# Unlucky Numbers (Wiki Article)

Never believe that your lucky numbers are unlucky. The only unlucky numbers are undee, terg, triff, faagool, jfiv, skix, spleven, estorch, ninook, & zercatch. They're unlucky because they didn't make the cut as numbers, despite their being infinite numbers!

SUPPOSEDLY UNLUCKY NUMBERS

• 13 — The number 13 being unlucky was contrived by cowards to scare children & make themselves feel big. The height of 13 paranoia was in the 1970s when calculators were introduced. The original run of calculators by Texas Instruments didn't have 1s or 3s because they didn't want anyone to do math with unlucky 13. They were afraid if they did it would collapse the consistency of mathematics itself & fill all row boats with goo. Unluckily, the mathematical formula that disproved the theory had the number 13 in it.
• 40 — This number is fabled to be unlucky as perpetuated by ageists & thermodynamics. But 40 is the new 20! And 20 is never unlucky unless you're playing blackjack & accidentally say, "Hit me."
• 1: The Loneliest Number — Scientists have determined that the true loneliest number is actually 19. Because when you're at a party with 19 people & have no one to pair off with & talk to you're far lonelier than when you're by yourself. However 19 is not an unlucky number because it is awesome to be 19 years old & to have 19 pieces of pizza.
• (Your Lottery Number) — The truth is your number suffers from conditional luckiness. Use it for something other than the lottery & see good fortune fly your way.

THE FUTURE OF UNLUCKY NUMBERS
Mathimagicians predict that the number 52 will become unlucky in 2019. And if you're reading this in 2019, for corndog sakes please update this article & tell us if it was true!

# Soon June III Lessons🎓

Soon ovens will prank us by screaming, "Ow! That's hot! Get me out of here! I'm trapped! Help!!"

Soon all newspapers will be oldspapers.

Soon all hoaxes will be revealed as truth and all truth as hoax, including that last thing.

Soon jellyfish will finally accept a sponsorship from Jello® & be called Jellofish®.

Soon tacos will come out of their shells when the earth's axis tilts further. Yeah yeah seasons would get messed up too, but our taco meat!

Soon broken elevators will have spiral escalators placed in their shafts.

Soon apes will fully evolve into humans & the only way to tell us & the genetically identical race of new humans apart is that they will continue to refuse to wear clothes.

Soon mops will vacation in chicken buckets.

Soon drones will deliver all mail, even email. It will be so financially wasteful that poor people will become furious & conquer the rich Ewok style.

Soon ghosts will throw awesome parties for themselves called FUNerals.

Soon trapezists will juggle flapjacks in mid-air & even more impressively juggle loose syrup.

Soon hashtagging will be called pounding.

Soon wills will become so powerful that you can legally leave things you don't own to people. The result, genocide.

Soon dancing will be outlawed & Prancing will be inlawed after his sister finally gets married. Also prancing will become the mandatory form of perambulation.

Soon an amazing caveman artist will travel to the present & say, "What? My work didn't survive? Just because I painted on the rocks outside the cave!?"

Soon many heptagons will announce that they are transshape making the jobs of triangle realtors nearly impossible.

Soon everyone will forget to wear green on St. Patrick's Day & all of that pinching will start World War III, which won't be nation against nation, but every man for himself in a world wide battle royale.

Soon aliens will come to earth.. to take our best parking spaces, & for absolutely no other reason.

Soon rich business guys will use their understudies for power point presentations. Because they don't know the material well, in place of laser pointers, they will use broader pointing objects like spot lights & red dwarf stars.

Soon the government will make speedometers embellish so more of us will unknowingly drive the speed limit.

Soon the world will become less peaceful when, in addition to squirt pistols, children begin to operate water tanks.

The pen is no longer mightier than the sword because you can type with a sword. And if you don't feel like typing you can hold someone at sword point & get them to type for you or even write something with a pen.

Soon everyone will let their hair down by getting stupid trendy hairdos that people will laugh at for decades.

Soon life will really begin at 40 when babies choose to unnecessarily gestate for 40 extra years. So hurry up & have your kids now.

Soon everybody will be like two peas in a pod as we are all forced, two by two, into living in pods together, pea pods in fact, because we'll also be shrunken, to pea size, & it will be really confusing to know how much toothpaste to use.

Soon crossing your fingers will be the only way left to pantomime hope because there won't be any wood left to knock on.

Soon people who say, "My bad" will say "My good" when accidentally doing something good.

Soon we'll all be on Easy Street after all streets are renamed Easy Street making things much harder. GPS, "Turn left on Easy Street, no not that one, the other one. Ugh, that's it, I don't need this. My husband is a satellite. I quit."

Soon love will spread the world over like never before.. when cupid upgrades to a machine gun. #ThanksGunLobby

Soon people will no longer seek to escape reality, because there will be no reality.

# June Selfesque Sundays📣

My height is 5'28. 5 foot 28 centimeters.

The word conscientious needs to be extradited from the English language for being too hard to spell, & so does extradited.
I once tried to use swype to type conscientious on my phone. The word is 13 letters long! And the result my phone gave me was just the word "No." It was like, "No, No" not even I'm going to try to spell that monstrosity of a word. And while we're at it let us pause & give thanks that it is easy to spell monstrosity.

I hate when I don't remember a memory enough to keep it a rememory so it becomes a dismemory.

I'm not gonna be victimized by the culture by assimilating into the slang-o-sphere. Nuh uh!

# June Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you windshield for protecting me from windswords.

Thank you corn dogs for not having corny jokes on your packaging, less competition for me.

Thank you balls for always being round.

Thank you bears for keeping your hands to yourself.

# June Weigh It Wednesdays💪

Optimistic View:  Toaster cords are always short so it will be easy for me to find the outlet!
Pessimistic View:  My wife left me because she thought I didn't pay the electric bill & I JUST NOW discovered this after the divorce was finalized! If only I had loved her more! If only I had loved toast more!

# June Think About it Thursdays👆

Why do people want someone to RIP so badly after they die? Is it autopsy slang?

Why do we have to call it a belly button? It's the only button on the body.

Why stop at chocolate fountains? Chocolate fire-hoses can turn anything chocolate!

# June Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like a brick wishing it could speak.

I feel like a blank price tag should work the same way as a blank check.

I feel like a marble in a tiny fur coat.

I feel like a giraffe trying to dive into a swimming pool.

I feel that hats without bills should be free.

# June R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Leave gold bars in mailboxes with instructions on how to mold the gold into a golden mail box.
2. Call your hats by their first name.
3. Leave life vests at wishing fountains.
4. Paint the eggs at the local grocery store.
5. Compliment a cook on their chopping skills.
6. Discard your old beanbag chairs at the bottom of the bridge or cliff that has the highest suicide rate.
7. Give roadkill a proper funeral, in the woods, with no humans around, inviting only scavengers.

# Survey Saturday☑

Do you hate it when musicians play by ear?
☑ Of course, that's too loud! Back up, get out of my bubble!
☒ If it's a drummer I'll stop my horse & listen for a bit.
❑ I hate music in general that's why my flamethrower auto-activates upon detecting monophony.

# iMay Lessons🎓

If your fan becomes famous you can become its fan.

If someone calls you from "private" call them back at 774-8283.

If you're ever stuck on a hill it probably isn't on the way down.

If your coats fall off your coat rack it is because they are escaping to kneel down & worship their god Coatacopia.

Sorry is safe if you need to apologize.

If you wear your hat to bed you can get an incidental feather in your cap.

If you wouldn't touch your dinner with a 10 foot pole that's good because long poles are riddled with germites.

Medically speaking if you're as cool as a cucumber, you're in a pickle.

If you practice your wolf-whistling in public no one will interpret it correctly.

If you ever get stuck in a "welll..." pour some motor oil in your mouth.

If someone hits you with a mug it would be a mug shot & they would have to get a mugshot if you press charges.

If you win the lottery buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner of the next lottery shares the money with you.

If you're ever lynched leave em laughing by saying, "The suspense is killing me!"

If you walk into a store make sure to have a gift-bag of shirt & shoes to give to the proprietor or you may be refused service.

If you hope to someday be famous for the whiteness of your skeleton that fame is better had after death.

If you think a bullet proof vest is a vest with extra pockets on the inside to keep your ammo receipts don't be gettin' shot.

If elephants ever disguise themselves as meteors it is because they love sleeping in craters.

If you want to know if a fountain will grant your wishes, make your first wish for your penny to float after you throw it in.

If a man finds a line he will cross it, unless he's writing an I or a l.

If your favorite color is bluegreen you like green to be sad. That's mean. Change your favorite color, whatarya yella?

If you walk into any other room than a bathroom & start unzipping your pants there better be someone who loves you in there or you're in trouble.

If someone asks you if you're superstitious say, "I'm afraid not."

If you want to buy a cactus to throw at hot air balloons & blimps don't use your shorts as a shopping bag.

If you use a zipper to cut hard boiled eggs make sure you aren't wearing the pants at the time. I said make sure! Double check! I won't have this happen again!

If your boss is a bee don't kiss his butt.

If you have a phobia of crows throw a never ending local production of The Wizard of Oz so you can dress like a scarecrow all the time.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.. if he's not very hungry. I mean this is America he's gonna need another fish!

The reasons you see road signs with bullet holes in them is because some people love shooting arrows. If you do it with a bow you can shoot an arrow².

If someone drops sprinkles at their party instead of balloons, they're going to eat you.

# May Horoscopes📦

 Aquarius It's time to reveal your secret that you still wet the bed so people will have a little more sympathy for you & your smell. Pisces Don't sign any releases from local news organizations. They've been following your hobby of chicken drowning & you'll want to have your face blurred on tv so that your vegan significant other doesn't break up with you. Gamera After you knock down your record 10,000th building celebrate by watching your step. There are a lot of ambulances down there.
 Cancer Tonight a referee will appear in your bedroom & flag you for illegal blanket hogging. Leo You're gonna get cancer & by that we mean you're going to change your birth date identity to a Cancer. Congratulations on becoming transzodiac. Peter Pan Pinocchio will come to Neverland & weep about all his distant cousin trees that you killed to make your treehouses.
 Virgo There's someone in your bushes with a camera taking pictures of.. nightcrawlers. Libra Today you'll look forward to something that you won't get. Also you'll win a million dollars (& not sand dollars this time). Scooby Tonight you'll find out that your loving former owner wasn't dead & was just pretending to be a ghost to get rid of you.
 Scorpio You're getting a promotion & so is every other Scorpio in your building. The competition will be tough but the formula of luck + leadership - lethargy x lung capacity ÷ leechings³ will make you rise to the top as The Scorpio King. Sagittarius The movie you made in your basement with your cat will be beaten at the box office by Spider-Man: Homecoming. But the fact that you got that thing into 400 theatres is truly a testament to your.. father's bank account size. Pontiac Don't let strangers sit on your tailgate unless they bring a cooler of free drinks. And stop imagining driving off that cliff. The guardrail would stop you so you'd have all the pain & none of the thrill.
 Capricorn Never give up on your primary goal of breaking the world record for unassisted sleeping. Aries Meeting your true love is just around the coroner. Volunteer as an autopsy assistant & once you see how gently the coroner handles hearts you'll be wishing you were dead while never having felt so alive. Jamba Juice You're sweet & fun to be around. Don't lose your cool or you'll find yourself in the dumps.
 Taurus A W shaped letter will find its way into your last name. Don't worry, it's just a typo, don't get any lawyers involved. Gemini Today is a great day to stay in bed under 40 lead blankets to breed empathy for patients stuck in hospitals that still use medieval metallic sheets. Coleco Don't get angry at people who wear shirts with your name on them who've never known you. They just like how your name looks & they love referencing for the sake of referencing so much that to them the Bibliography is the most exciting part of a book.
 Aquarius Now is the time to get into identity theft. Stealing the identity of a waiter is best. All you have to do is wear the right outfit in the right place & people will just hand you their money & credit cards. Pisces Your talents of getting wasted are getting wasted at your sobercentric occupation. Quit your job or better yet go in drunk. Start the party early. Clydesdale Take the endorsement deal from Coca-Cola. They have Santa! You can meet Santa! He'll love your reindeer cosplay! We promise. & Watch out for CGI bears!
 Cancer As you travel abroad be on the lookout for a potential mate. The language barrier improves relationships because you get to play charades together like all the time. Leo Put your best foot forward, in a kicking motion, because kicking makes you feel cool. Lionel You'll never be the most famous Lionel, unless you're Lionel Richie. Hey wait you ARE Lionel Richie! WOW! We LOVE you! Could you sign our horoscope?
 Virgo There's someone in your bushes with a camera taking pictures of.. nightcrawlers. Libra Today you'll look forward to something that you won't get. Also you'll win a million dollars (& not sand dollars this time). She-Ra When you  pawn your Sword of Protection make sure to pick an upstanding pawn shoppe based on it's Yelp reviews.
 Scorpio It's time to forgive yourself for drowning that family of wasps with a tartar sauce hose. Take a tour of Seattle's best basements to calm your nerves. Sagittarius The position of the asteroid belt will affect your bowels. Loosen your own belt, or if you are not wearing a belt, retie the extension cord that is hold up your pantaloons. Akebono Use porkchopsticks to devour your athletic rice bowls. Soon you will be able to have a match against a VW Bug. Make sure to throw the fight so VW pays you well.
 Taurus Your new coworkers will finally stop making fun of you for showing up shirtless in trunks with a towel to your first carpool after you shame them for expecting you to sport gender normative beachwear like the rest of them. Gemini Your tawdry love story about a sentient pizza, "Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Somethin' from the Oven" will be rejected for the 346th time. Resist the urge to shop your manuscript around Germany because doing so will get you killed & even worse plagiarized. Megazord Your realization that the tiny voices inside of you are teens prejudice against size challenged monsters will make for a cathartic session with your therapist, Dr. Son of Godzilla.
 Aquarius Your pursuit of love & happiness will hit an offramp as you find that hate & happiness is a lot easier to obtain. The judgmental path you take will ruin the lives of everyone around you but you'll feel so smug you'll only notice as you are on your desolate adjacent death bed. Pisces "Follow your dreams with waking up, ya lazy gud fur nuthin' sponge!" is what your horoscope for today will say because of our guest writer, your step-dad. Jumbalaya No, no one else is ever gonna write another famous song about you. Now get in my mouth! I love you but I suck at writing songs.
 Cancer Today your life long dream will come true making it a half-life long dream. Sorry to break it to you but today is the exact midpoint of your life. Visit our auntie site TimeAndDate.com to find out how many days old you are today & just how few days you have left. TimeAndDate.com, "It's about time!" Leo You will find a magical pair of shoes, not cool magic, but like stage magic. So essentially the shoes have a secret compartment that can hold a dove. And to clean out the previous dove's bones you'll need supplies from our distant cousin site BirdCorpseCleaning.com. BirdCorpseCleaning.com, ♫"You'll no longer have to answer, 'What's that smell?'"♫ Noob Saibot Your new job, shilling to people to visit our great grandfather site MortalKombat.com will come to a euphoric end after you uppercut a camel & it viciously tramples you into Nirvana, the heaven for video game characters. MortalKombat.com, "They're not mortals if they're alive for the next match."
 Virgo The local bully will discover the terrible secret of your underwear drawer, that you always go commando. Repurpose your drawer as an indrawer rutabaga garden. Libra While you read this your car is being towed, look out your window now! If you read this again your car will be towed back free of charge (possibly only due to illegal haggling). Cobra Commander Branding is great for an evil empire. The Joe will try to break your graphic designer free to help their image. Put some Pop Rocks in Destro's mouth & play the sound over the loudspeaker to scare them off.
 Scorpio You will notice that in Spanish none of the days of the week start with a T and that Mexicans must be really sad because they can't have Taco Tuesday. You will then proceed to patron their dining establishments for Tamale Thursday to cheer them up. Sagittarius You are capable of handling anything bad that will come your way today except the poisoned lemonade that will end your ability to have a lineage. We told you last week you shouldn't fire your taste tester for budgetary purposes. Let that be a warning to the rest of you! Meowzie Your 10th birthday will be everyone's ideal birthday, a lot of sleeping, eating, & cuddling.

# May Selfesque Sundays📣

My dream car is a low rider Wienermobile.

I can spell "good." I wrote "the constitution." I am quoting "the Bible."

# Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day the only airports we had were our nostrils.

Back in my day we didn't have toasters. We had to toast our bread the old fashioned way, on the end of a clothes hanger over an open fire & it would always catch & fall in the fire. In other words, back in my day we didn't have toast!

Back in my day you wouldn't replace a space heater with an outer space heater, stars were too big & hot to bring into our homes in those days.

Back in my day we'd chalk-outline cats who were sleeping on the sidewalks.

# May Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you sun for brightening up my day.

Thank you nodding for never telling me no.

Thank you dinosaurs for making sure all your Pangean Idol audition tapes were destroyed along with you.

Thank you stomach for not turning on me.

Thank you broom for never sweeping me under the rug.

# May Weigh It Wednesdays💪

Optimistic View:  All Dogs Go to Heaven
Pessimistic View:  Watching All Dogs Go to Heaven will make you miss him more.

Optimistic View:  Cats have 9 lives!
Pessimistic View:  Their other 8 lives are spent in different circles of hell.

Optimistic View:  I just got new shoes!
Pessimistic View:  Now I have to research if it's ok for my snake to eat a dead hamster.

Optimistic View:  After I plug it back in it will resurrect & tell me about the afterlife again! In phone heaven there is no touching or talking or vibrating.
Pessimistic View:  I always thought my phone would die in a cool way so that I could tell all my friends, not of boring old natural causes.

Pessimistic View:  "All growth comes from death," the religious sucker will say, grasping at straws to teach an ignorant lesson that no one will benefit from.
Optimistic View:  Hair is cool because it can do both kinds of dying.

# May Think About it Thursdays👆

Can you stand on an illegible ledge?

Why does Scotch Tape keep befriending measuring tape when it hates to be judged?

# May Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like a pound of ducks. Ducks weigh more than one pound.

I feel like a gallon of liquid rope that cannot be climbed.

I feel like a human hybrid hybrid.

I feel like Private First Class Obvious.

# May Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember that time when freshly boiled sandwiches were the #1 food in the USA?

Does anyone else remember a time when being seen eating Frozen Cactuses was taboo?

# May R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Train your drone to give busy people surprise haircuts as they walk about.
2. Tape change to your ransom notes in case your victims can't break a \$100.
3. Wave back at people who wildly wave at you from the ocean.
4. Leave Easter eggs hidden in your yard year round.
5. Be a benchwarmer for the homeless.
6. Pray for someone’s dry cleaning
7. Mow your neighbor's lawn then burn the clippings to release the evil grasshopper spirits that cause your neighbor to be a jerk.

# Survey Saturday☑

How easy was it to take this survey?
❑ Easy
❑ Easier
❑ Easiest
❑ Easiest ever
❑ Easiest thing ever in life
☑ Easiest thing in the history of the world
☒ You're making it sound like this is easy for everyone else & I found it hard so now I am internally despondent.
❑ It was so hard I didn't finish reading it or anything else you've ever written thus my opinion doesn't count.

# Non-Phonetic Alphabet📜

A as in Aisle
B as in Bee
C as in Sea
D as in Dee dee dee-dee dee dee dee
E as in Effigy
F as in Effigy
G as in Gnome
H as in Hour
I as in Eyeball
J as in Blue jay
K as in Cayman Islands
L as in El
M as in Emily
N as in Enter
O as in Owe
P as in Psychology
Q as in Cue ball
R as in Are
S as in Especially
T as in Pterodactyl
U as in You
V as in Vehicle
W as in Rap
X as in Ex
Y as in Why
Z as in Xylophone

# +=- A Stas by Stas Stasis💖

The mightiest colors in the room
Sight saw through me
Multiple lights in reference
I can't be a sand which turns to glass in your eye
Moth rises under overhauled bridges

Camp flame fire night knight revolved two rivers
A uncrust uncut filleted solution revels in farce
Dumb months edge a ward off
Warding off old goers
Going off new windows
Based on steam clouds
A stas by stas stasis
Rumbling in an Ovelope
Escaping tires escape from car rims
Rim welded micro-marshstress
Famed overseen ovens folded blankets with a fan blade spinning
Dizzy spinning every inning after this inning we'll go on an outing
Everywhere is somewhere, wholewhere, another
Parking seldom settles bagging cabbage nights that pertrudes invisibly
A line is a lumbering shadow shelter
Shaking faces make lightning volunteers to burn in the sky beautifully
This is a world of pictures burrowing under sliding solaces
Addition buries subtraction in neutral fumes heralding sorrowful elbowlights

I rent vivistruction
No valid research to follow under eveningfalls of dry air

Illustration reconstructs events. I'm drawing bricks with bricks.
No clock in the yard. Dig up old excruciatingly long cases
Chattering lung flies by

# +=- Jagged cats file oatmeal receipts.💖

Math mop cleans up spilt letters. Toast flounders like untoast. Giant thermometer spaceship measures the temperature of space.

5 Oceans made of cheese flavored jello

Donate your houseboat to evolved swimming koalas. Tours leave popcorn & tomatoes on the ground. Hacksaw your cold drinks open. Memories for miles, this space has weight.

Stepping-stone has intentions to disrupt the universal sundial. Undisclosed thankfulness recovers. Wool cabinet lounges. Flytrap spouts solutions to fried lawnmowers. And it spread. Nightly ape dog walkers. Fall finds feathers in fountains, all unnatural ingredients. Down all night. Gramophone abyss. Sullen octagonal rescue singing.

Jagged cats file oatmeal receipts. You must kick the right mug for education to appear. Adjoining stays. Second-hand ban. Mountain range collar. Woozy floor has nowhere to fall. Wax umbrella with an overt sound.

# It's Alike April Lessons🎓

Science is a lot like butter, it proves that butter exists.

A blanket is a lot like a bus on fire. If one lays on you you'll get warm & sleepy.

Plastic is a lot like the Web, it's a better alternative to paper.

Software is a lot like tableware, neither are used as insults.

Leaves are a lot like candied yams, they're both terrible to use as forks.

A shadow is a lot like a teacup, if the shadow is the shadow of a teacup.

Squirrels are a lot like mops, you can use both to dent mailboxes.

Mist is a lot like fog but misty eyed & foggy eyed are very different.

Nails are a lot like lettuce, they both have heads that don't wear hats.

Santa is a lot like furniture. If you're the one sitting everything is fine. If you're the one being sat on, there's a problem.

Pine needles are a lot like marbles, they aren't good salad ingredients.

Advice is a lot like a flier, it's amazing if you can get someone to take yours.

Oranges are a lot like sinks, neither rhyme with rail.

Rolls are a lot like everything, they taste better in soup.

Blood is a lot like water, it's better to use a filter before you drink it out of a tap.

A bucket of water is a lot like a man holding a glass of Easter eggnog, if you juggle them, they'll both spill.

Roosters are a lot like crows, they both crow in the morning.

Gymnasts are a lot like fugitives. It's particularly exciting when they jump off of something.

Doctors are a lot like lunch meat, they can both fit between properly sized slices of bread.

Eyeballs are a lot like cue balls. They are both alphabet based balls which do not contain the letter they sound like.

Windows are a lot like whips, if you crack them you'll feel a breeze.

Fingers are a lot like missiles, if you point 'em at the wrong place people could blow up.

Zippers are a lot like alligator mouths, they're scariest when opened.

Outer space is a lot like a negotiation, both are a lot more exciting in movies.

Scarves are a lot like cosplaying pythons, soft.

A camera is a lot like a bank vault. If you touch your eye to one you'll soon have a picture taken.

Drawers are a lot like mouths, if you shut 'em people can't see the clothes. So, shut yo mouth! Or people will know you've been eating clothes.

Typewriters are a lot like mailmen, they both bring you letters.

Flowers are a lot like corpses, they don't move much when a bee lands on 'em.

A pet turtle is a lot like a taco, it has a hard shell & it upsets you when it spills your cheese.

# April Appreciation📦

You're like a speck of dust, when there are thousands of you it makes me uncomfortable.

Are you a fortune teller? Because I can see my future with you.

You're like a desk, you're a good place to keep a laptop.

You're like a button but not the kind you push, that would be bad, I don't want to push you. I mean the kind on my shirt, close to my heart.

You're like a plastic bag, you make a lot of noise when crumbled up.

I could talk to you until the cows come home. They get off work at 6.

You're like a catapult, I want you to throw some crap away.

You're like my sternum because you keep my heart warm.

You're like a bestseller, I want to leave you at the store.

You're like a scarf in the cold I want you around my neck.

You're like a poster. I look at you if you're hanging on my wall.

You're like an eyelash, I want to blow you away.

You're like a smell, I can tell you're around.

You're like a birthday, you make me celebrate.

You're like wool, I don't want you on a sheep.

You're like a tooth, you're always a part of my smile.

You're like a machine, I don't like it when you smoke.

You're like a horse because I'm betting on you.

You're like a fork, you're good at stabbing.

You're like a nail in a doorway, I'm stuck on you.

You're like a skateboard, you won't fit in my cereal bowl.

You're like a crown because you make me feel like a king.

You're like a minus sign, you shouldn't be crossed.

You're like a moat. I want you around my castle.

You're like a pie, you need to cool off.

You're like cash, if I find you on the ground I'm gonna pick you up.

You're like an onion, when you get cut I cry.

You're like a crayon you won't stay in the box.

You're like a P.O. box because you're full of letters (after you eat alphabet soup).

You're like a marshmallow. I've never seen you in a hot air balloon, but I'd like to.

# April R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Break into your neighbor's house & cook them a meal with all of their food that is about to expire.
2. Give someone a hug coupon that is valid at any person's arms.
3. Order beach towels in bulk & throw them into the ocean to try to help the beach finally dry off.
4. Make "Stay Well" cards for people who already feel great.
5. Secretly tape a family's treasured moments for a future gift.
6. Clean up a kid's room & do his homework.
7. Say goodbye to everyone you pass.

# April Selfesque Sundays📣

I don't see races, I only see fun runs.

I wouldn't sell out for all the tea in China because that would be really mean to all the Chinese people who love to drink tea.

I'm colorblind, I don't see race or religion or traffic lights.

..No, I'm not a fan but I'm still really cool.

I'm on illegal drugs, I mean illegal for other people if they don't have a prescription for it.

# April Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day calculators didn't have 1s or 3s because they didn't want anyone to do math with unlucky 13. They were afraid if they did it would collapse the consistency of mathematics itself & fill all the row boats with goo. And unlucky for us the mathematical formula that disproved the theory had the number 13 in it.

Back in my day even the ghosts wore togas!

Back in my day lab mice never had to make their own sandwiches.

Back in my day we could skewer ice cubes & let them melt to create holy water.

# April Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you shirt for having my back.

Thank you keys for getting my motor runnin'.

Thank you nigh quill for being close to me.

Thank you preserves for being my jam.

# April Weigh It Wednesdays💪

You went bald after drinking a truth serum
Pessimistic View:  I can't lie about being ok with this.
Optimistic View:  I've discovered a hidden prejudice against bald people & will hire a bald therapist to help me work through it over the coming millennia.

Optimistic View:  My delicious blood sandwich is just very rich in iron.
Pessimistic View:  Now I have to buy a mood ring too to detect the mood of the person who put the metal in my sandwich.

Truckers keep trying to sell me families of koalas
Optimistic View:  I could make a killing as a koala photographer!
Pessimistic View:  Those aren't real families, I don't see a ring on her finger!

You're so boring that when tumbleweed sees you it blows the other way
Pessimistic View:  You're too boring to have views.
Optimistic View:  That tumbleweed is gonna make it to Canada!

# April Think About it Thursdays👆

What's your true wish, world peace or a piece of the world?

What is your favorite brand toothbrush to demeaningly clean a toilet with?

If you could bury one thing with yourself what would it be? Mine would be a Wi-Fi hotspot that helps funeral goers disrespect the dead as a rib on the newbies.

Don't you hate shaved ice? It's so hard to get the shaving cream taste out.

# April Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like an educational French fry, the only kind of clean French fry people don't like.

I feel like a kitten party bus broke down in front of my house for life!

I feel like sending chainmail chain letters but can't afford the increased postage.

I feel like a space chimp that would've rather rode in a hot air balloon.

# April Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember that day baseball was replaced with basesandwich & all the balls were sandwiches & it was nothin' but inside-the-park home runs because the sandwich had to be reassembled before anyone could be thrown out?

Does anyone else remember that time when reverse mermaid sharks made us jello candles with wicks of Pixy Stix, then everyone protested Wonka for bioengineering human shark hybrids? Then Wonka was like, "Dude, here's some free candy" & that's how Trick or Treating was invented.

Does anyone else remember that time when those trapezists snuck into our hand pile huddle & yelled "Whoa Trapezery!" & swung up & away out of sight?

Does anyone else remember that time when the floor was made of lava & lava was made of floors so rolls of linoleum spewed out of Mt. St. Flora?

Does anyone else remember that time when the phone was possessed by dead telemarketers? That's why we'd always hang up on them.

# Survey Saturday☑

❑ April 29, 2017
❑ Barmundah 21, 1733
❑ Sha'ban 2, 1438
❑ Iyar 3, 5777
❑ April 16, 2017
☑ That new calendar we'll use after the apocalypse later today.

# But the cage has feed✎

Sighing collage
Ages away from anything that matters
Listen to the unlit matches
Scramble to be not one of the catches
May the light without burning my heart?
May I might find the end & think not of the start?

Shins don't drown they just feel cool
Rather feel the flow than the still of a pool
The sky ripples on the ground
The sound of a beating that isn't a heart

But the cage has feed
And that's what we need
The cage has feed

Thank those lucky stars that burned out long ago
Live thanks, sleep, grow
Convenient collapse
I want to land & stay
Can't move another day

Are these signs repeating or am I driving in circles?
Ain't no use in running unless you bazooka the hurdles
Thank you teeth for keeping us honest
No thank you feet, you're never lasting

But the cage has feed
Can't farm or grow a seed
The cage has feed
Which house is mine
The slaughter house or the daughter house?
Both have my blood
Only one needs it spilt
Cozy cube or cozy quilt
But the cage has feed
But the cage has feed

Alive & alone
Sleepy not honed
Don't keep this in the picture when you paint my life
I choose the colors, I choose the photos, memories alive
And the love that makes you live..
And the lights that makes you dry..
I have it all but nothing to give
I live the wonder but still wonder why

# Piemerica's Prank Ideas for April Fools Day📜

• Swap the signs on the shallow & deep ends of the pool.
• Leave a tiny ransom note for the single grape you abducted from the grocery.
• Serve someone with papers for a fake law suit
• Tie together the shoelaces of non-matching shoes
• Put fake fruit in the fruit drawer & fake milk in the milk carton
• Scrape the letters off of a contemporary's keyboard
• Baby turtles & a bent envelope filled with green ooze in the storm drain
• Leave a phone in the toilet that matches their model
• 3 way call your friend & a doctor's office & stay silent.
• Landmines in their garden, finding a fake one would be good but if you want to kill them leave live ones in there. There's a special club in heaven for people who died from April Fool's pranks.
• Into a toaster drop an item that will result in stinkerization if heated.
• Pepper in the pillowcase
• Pee your pants & pretend it was an April Fool's prank because you've always wanted to pee in public.
• Send a rocket into low orbit at night to masquerade as a shooting star so the chumps you prank make a wishes that won't come true. #BillionDollarPrank
• Put "Free Candy" signs in people's yards then on their front door put signs that say, "Candy 'round back. --►"
• Have all your family learn Mandarin to prank your uncle into thinking we've been taken over by the Chinese.

# March is When Lessons🎓

When you visit a hunter's house & they have a bunch of empty wall mounts it's because they're a ghost hunter & those are the ghosts they've killed.

When you want to do something heroic, speak in a heroic tone.

When you draw water from a well using an orange it confuses things. Use blue & draw the well too.

When something cost an arm & a leg make sure to use exact change unless you're lucky enough to get the 5 finger discount.

When you build a staircase with just one stair it's a stair case.

When life gives you lemonade, take the day off.

When you're budgeting for a trip it's better not to take the trip. It doesn't matter if you can afford it. The pain of the injuries aren't worth it.

When The Going gets Tough, The Tough gets Going & soon wedding bells are ringing.

Be careful when considering the purchase of farmland. Most people I've heard of who bought a farm died right around the same time.

Back in the tube days, a man could choose to sit on a tv to be on TV.

When your psychiatrist gives you a milk blot test instead of an ink blot test he's trying to see if you cry over spilt milk.

When it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.

It's easy to tell when you're close but yes cigar because you can smell the cigar.

When you wear a dirty shirt you look like a lazy slob unless the shirt also has paint on it, that makes you look like a hard worker.

Beware the Ides of March because they make you google what ides are & the result is very disappointing.

When your favorite movie is Credits II: The Discrediting, you should probably become an avid reader of bibliographies.

A bad way to say you eat a lot is, "I always love satin'."

Now throw your hands in the air & wave em like you just don't care & if you are seen by a bear he won't come ova here, not ova here!

You know you grew up poor when your watch had a second hand second hand.

Be careful who you ask for change for a quarter. Ask the wrong person & you could end up hospitalized for 3 months.

You must learn to crawl before you can learn.. to work your way up the adult/baby racing circuit.

There's no time like the present except every moment of time ever because all of the past used to be the present & all of the future will be the present.

Before you can change the world, you must first.. find a fluffy pirate shirt big enough to fit it.

After all these years it's time to give up on creating a Furby/duckling cyborg.

When you spill food one morsel travels to another dimension before it hits the ground & lands in a bowl to feed their poor.

Every time you upgrade your KFC order a chicken loses its wings.

When your favorite color is red but favorite Popsicle® flavor is purple you're making the rainbow cry.

When your bowling ball is heavier than your bawling bowl hydrate the bowl by putting soup in it then have it speak to a licensed bowl therapist to discover the root of its sorrows.

Before you borrow a monkey's socks remember, they're not socks they're gloves. Don't be swindled by sock monkeys, unless you have an appointment, they will respect your punctuality & give you human socks at fair market price.

Sometimes now is whenever.

# Days of March📦

It's a tightly hugging loaves of bread at the supermarket kinda day.

It's a 3D printing inedible licorice replicas kinda day.

It's a squash buckling, crash testing kinda day.

It's a lampshade funnel kinda day.

It's a pillow grilling kinda day.

It's a mailing toast to old Facebook friends kinda day. Go check your mail now!

It's a juggling toothpicks with your eyelashes kinda day.

It's a squeegeing the ocean kinda day.

It's a using an Irish snake as a stomach pump kinda day.

It's a beandip bleaching kinda day.

It's a tuba shadow appreciation kinda day.

It's an orca bowling kinda day.

It's a burying an oral thermometer kinda day.

It's a mourning marshmallows that melted of natural causes kinda day.

It's an order a 2nd dresser to use as a hamper kinda day.

# March Selfesque Sundays📣

…No, I wasn't talking to myself, I could sense you were going to enter the room.

I bet you a thousand dollars I wouldn't be able to pay you a thousand dollars if I lost this bet.

The thing I hate the most about the DMV is that they make you do eye tests instead of taste tests.

I'm more sedentary than a wallet.

# March Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day we had to syphon bowling balls from the ball return, it wasn't automatic.

Back in my day we didn't have Emotions, cheerleaders hadn't perfected the vowels yet.

Back in my day we only had 2 oceans, but of course my day was on a different planet.

Back in my day everyone lost their marbles that's why kids don't play with marbles anymore.

# March Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you cheese for not cutting yourself.

Thank you sweets for never ruining my appetite.. for more sweets.

Thank you spine for helping me stand up for myself.

Thank you jellyfish for never breathing down my neck.

# March Weigh It Wednesdays💪

You have ants in your pants.
Pessimistic View:  Eww, no! Ahhh! Hehehe. Ecch!
Optimistic View:  So THAT'S where I put my pic•i•nic basket!.

Optimistic View:  YES! It finally happened!
Pessimistic View:  Sucks that I'm [insert your seasoned adult age here] before this finally happened.

The snow melted & revealed your yard is filled with sponges
Pessimistic View:  It feels very weird to walk in my yard now, worse than walking in mud barefoot.
Optimistic View:  This will make my compulsive egg juggling habit less messy.

You're parents are getting a divorce
Optimistic View:  It's not a broken home, it was just a home built from incompatible materials.
Pessimistic View:  Time travelling great great grandma & grandpa aren't gonna be happy.

Pessimistic View:  I'm stranded! What a horrible day!
Optimistic View:  Maybe they'll hear the guy in the trunk &, unlike me, be able to figure out how to free him.

# March Think About it Thursdays👆

Pineapple, what are you pining for at your core?

What other kind of preference is there other than a personal preference? One imposed by the state?

Hey! Watch it pal! What's the moderately-sized idea?

Would you rather be in jail or a pail? Pails don't get much work these days, it's all milk & beaches. Pretty sweet gigs.

Do you know the difference between you & me? I mean besides the spelling, pronunciation, & definition?

# March Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like a marble in a maze, a corn maze.

I feel like punching a monitor lizard's 11th slot on its 12th sno-cone is free card.

I feel like food packaging should be self-microwaving.

I feel like pinecone is the worst ice-cream flavour unless you have really bad breath.

I feel like a battery powered toaster hiding in a mailbox trying to heroically burn junk mail.

# March Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember that time when scientists found out Kryptonite was real but Superman still wasn't so they didn't bother to add it to the periodic table?

Does anyone else remember that time when a mustard tanker wrecked off the coast of Darfur & we all swam around & got yellow bellies?

Does anyone else remember that time when New Year's Day came early because everyone thought it was a leap year when it wasn't & no one was ready to celebrate because they were asleep?

Does anyone else remember that time when we went to the taco bar & we got beat up by drunken tacos?

# March R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Hang out with your friends as often as possible so they can maintain alibis.
2. Paste pictures of you smiling all over the neighborhood to cheer people up.
3. Shave "Wash Me" into a hairy man's back.
4. Set up a fake grave to bury treasure in.
5. Run your noisy bubble machine incessantly at the park.
6. Tell people why you refuse to speak to them.
7. Carry a bell around with you to notify establishments of their fine service.

# Survey Saturday☑

Which organ is your favorite to donate weekly?
☑ Heart (metaphorically)
❑ Skin (it's the biggest organ so that makes me the biggest hero!)
☒ Pancreas (because you love unnecessary surgery)

# Spring Cleaning Checklist (So can you?)📜

❑ Alphabetize peanuts based on shape
❑ Sandblast television
❑ Find missing giant banana that was in the tuba
❑ Pluck cactus leash
❑ Dust inside of milk cartons
❑ Wash soap with better soap
❑ Paint fake tunnels around nail holes to fool insects
❑ Polish closet floors
❑ Shake out pitted olives
❑ Water light bulbs so they'll become light flowers
❑ Replace battery in Power Wheels get-away tractor
❑ Put wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man on top of chimney
❑ Use garbage disposal to get rid of excess sand
❑ Chronologize Cheerios™ based on tint
❑ Waterproof Hi-C® cellar
❑ Flatten bowls to use as plates
❑ Sharpen cheeses
❑ Deep clean unused copy paper
❑ Disinfect collection of rare, incurable diseases
❑ Knock out exterior bathroom wall to air out shower & tub.
❑ Donate used toilet brush
❑ Mop paintings
❑ Unclog main electrical line
❑ Throw out expired Kevlar®
❑ Ride in the dryer on high heat to remove that stubborn belly button lint
❑ Moisturize baguette bench
❑ Shine life-sized Cerebro replica
❑ Delouse coconuts with coconut oil
❑ Binge on expired vitamins & medications
❑ Destroy spider habitats
❑ Dehinge rinds
❑ Remove grill marks from grill
❑ Luge the gutters
❑ Trim the squirrels
❑ Kool-Aid the sprinklers
❑ Uproot talons
❑ Fold the straitjackets to make them sound oxymoronic
❑ Reseal the ice cubes & ice rhombohedrons

# I'm gonna take my life✎

Now I am walking away from the falsehoods that made me stay
In a broken mind in a broken world in broken humanity
But I know the healer
I know the cure
& I will never witness again the thoughts that made me poor

Lies took everything from me
All the wrong signs still had the right name
And I will never feel the same shame & anti-bliss
Because I am gonna take my life
Yes I am gonna take my life
It's my life the gift is mine
Thank you God, my heart always shines
I wanna take my life
Yes I am gonna take my life

No more fights no more wars
No more blight no more sores
No more pain, only love
No more double minded torture with a false flag from above

Forget the walk, I'll rest with you
Nevermind the talk, Blue is not true
unless it is the sky
Oh my.. life!
I wanna take my life!
I'm gonna take my life!
To keep & share
I know where
Here & now
No more "How?"
No more "How?"
Here & now forever

I am free
I took the life He put inside of me
Not bereft, not a mind of death
I took my life & His life takes me

The only darkness brings rest at night
& I am gonna take my life
Yes I'm gonna take my life
I'll shout it twice!
I want to take my life!
Yes I AM gonna take my LIFE!
Life is glory

# Heaven is Here, Better than Wings✎

I cannot fall
This is better than wings
Better than wings
A whole new world
A whole new sky
Everything
Heaven is here

I wanna raise Hell
To throw it into the sun
From all the feelings of life I can choose fun
Inside this well I cannot drown
I drink it in & wear my crown NOW

Heaven is here
This is better than wings
I get so high that I can't be seen
Heaven is here
This is better than wings

An atmosphere without fear where everything is clear
Everything is seen & everything is clean
Blowing beautifully in the wind
Love is my best friend

Heaven is here
This is better than wings
I can do anything
No pressure high or low
Everywhere I can go

Heaven is here
This is better than dreams
Literally better than I ever could have dream
The prison is gone
Only the truth sings
& it rocks!

# Taste Enemies✎

Wild waves, wild waves
I'm never in the water
I'm never in the sand
I'm always thinking harder
Hard thoughts but no plans

Can I shoe you away?
Keep your feet clean & cut free
Going through the wild waves
I'm never in the water

I hope my secrets will not manifest as a contest.
I hope my skewers will not make me a vent.
Blowing through me, blowing through me, the waves
Waves of air

Oh I want to follow me down hill
No one tends to trust my songs
Soapy toast makes taste buds halt!
Now they are my taste enemies!

# Scrambled Eggs & Scrambled Channels✎

I want to stay true
While kidding around
I want to be a gopher's friend in a corn maze, a maze maze!
I feel like dirt is a prefectly acceptable travel route
& I feel like a cabbage crying its googly eyes out
Cause those are the hardest eyes to cry from but the easiest to cry out

I feel like walking through the spillage from a tipped over barrel of tiny novelty couches
The kind that open up your scissors to cut for them a tent

Scrambled eggs & scrambled channels for both you have to pay
Scrambled brains & scrambled cameras both make you look away, make you want to play

Night time disco movie, projector on the floor
Everyone is coming to see you because their blindfolds all tore

I'm not just one
I am a winner of the truth
Not compensating for anything
I just know that life can be a groove
And feel so smooth
Speed bumps with goosebumps loving their job

I want to be your cereal mascot & add sweets to milk
Grab my bunny ears & hold on
I'll make a noise you cannot hear
I'll be the wheel you hold & steer
Let's ride the road that is wet
Again & again & again! So we don't forget.

# Fooduary Lessons🎓

If the zoo catches fire hope next day for an exotic buffet.

Hammond Eggs have the most vitamin B3.

Cloud servers always be dropping food.

Throw out your futon if aliens come to earth because futons make it far too easy for the aliens to eat us as tacos.

They should change the word bonus to donus because it sounds like doughnuts & thinking of doughnuts makes you feel even better.

They stopped selling milk in the yellow jug because your milk would sneakily drink your orange juice while your fridge door was closed.

If your flying cup keeps escaping, fill it with rocks & sand & water & Fruity Pebbles.

Moonshiner = Man of Still

Get out of the mouthless cerebellum catering business.

Apple marionettes allow for apple core·e·ography.

Everybody eats poo because poo is made out of food. Food is just pre-poo.

If you use a butcher knife made of petrified meat you can pork chop a pork chop.

A mass toaster shaking would solve world hunger. Although 17 minutes later world hunger would resume.

Sentient hamburgers shouldn't visit America or they'll be eaten! And they should never befriend a sentient mustard. Mustards are racist against salsa & horsey sauce & thought balloons.

Use a watering can to strain foods.

Live snakes shouldn't be eaten tail first.

You can feel like you've viciously drowned a fish if you strangle the fish underwater while covering its gills.

Don't propose a toast to butter when it's on a roll.

So you've got carbon dating, well if a soda's flat that's carbonation dating. Oh!

Ice melts if you tickle it.

Tap water is running water, bottled water is jogging water, bath water is sitting water, birdbath water is standing water, pool water is laying water, pond water is ducking water, spilt water is bending over water, holy water is bowing water, digested water is squatting water.

Chips & dips aren’t friends. They get each other eaten.

When tossing someone a fork always aim for the eye that way they see it coming.

If you eat mannequins as a substitute for eating humans you're a mannecannebal.

To get free toppings at a frozen yogurt shoppe say something really mean so they start throwing toppings at you.

If someone gives you a sash made of butter they're planning on cooking you.

Drinking gasoline makes you the ultimate foodie because you're dining on dinosaurs.

# February Frustrations📦

Don't you hate it when you visit a haunted house & you find out it's your ghost that's haunting it & that ghosts are time travelers who aren't  allowed to occupy the time-frame after they died?

Don't you hate it when you buy a bunch of yarn thinking your cat will play with it but it doesn't so you sit the open boxes of yarn outside on the curb & you have problem with stray cats now?

Don't you hate it when racists throw away toast because it gets too dark?

Don't you hate it when your favorite book gets turned into a movie but the adaptation is so faithful that it's just the text from the book shown on the screen & it doesn't stay on a page long enough for you to finish reading it?

Don't you hate it when someone asks if they can borrow your garden hose.. or did they say garden hoes?

Don't you hate it when everyone laughs at you after you tell a killer joke? People who laugh at jokes about killers have no class!

Don't you hate it when your coat won't unzip & you wonder aloud, "Why did I have to see if this still fits during the summer!?" then you have to turn the A/C way up to compensate until your mom comes over to get your zipper unstuck?

Don't you hate it when your milk man shows up late, 60 years late?

Don't you hate to lose your permanent marker when you thought "IT WAS THE ONE THING IN LIFE I COULD COUNT ON!" & now you weep openly day & night?

Don't you hate it when The Sandwich Tickler sneaks in & gets crumbs all over your plate? That's what happened. That's why there's crumbs there. It doesn't matter if you stood next to the sandwich the whole time. The Sandwich Tickler is tiny.. a..and invisible!

Don't you hate it when you accidentally bring in the trash instead of the groceries because you use Hefty bags as your reusable shopping totes?

Don't you hate it when your yard becomes sentient & orders an NBA Jam arcade machine because your yard's voice sounds just like the announcer's voice in the game & you keep hearing, "He's on fire!" making you wonder if someone is actually on fire or if your yard is just better at you at performing sick slam dunks in the game? And don't you hate it that you sorta wish someone were actually on fire for once? That game is stupid anyway. I think it's time to mow the lawn!

Don't you hate it when a comet is going to crash into the earth & humanity has to be like, "Dude, stop texting & cometing!"

Don't you hate it when people never finish reading what you write? Hey come back here! I'm not finished with you yet! You just made a powerful ene... rgy pulse through my being wishing, "Golly, I'd like if you'd finish reading this." Oh! You came back! Well this is uncomfortable. Bu..bu..bu..but thanks! Ok you can keep scrolling now. Th.th..ats all I have to say for today. Um, you, your kindness will not be forgotten.. by me. Other people, they, they may forget it but, uh, not me. Ok c'mon, this is too much. I did't mean for it to be like this! Stop! Just stoppp.... An unregarded, confuddled obese man who never got a break. Now he has what he's wanted - and he's going to have to live with it for eternity, forever awkwardly typing to an audience, in the Twilight Zone.

# February Selfesque Sundays📣

I'm 31 years sober. I was addicted to placenta for nine months.

Next on my bucket list, to scold all the buckets used in the ice bucket challenge because they only helped charity once.

I wasn't born yesterday but if I was this would be the best day of my life.

I don't trust my phone to read the phone book without calling someone from it.

# February Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day if you saw a donkey wearing pants it would mean there's a thunderstorm approaching & you've gone deaf.

Back in my day we didn't talk about the weather unless the weather talked about us. "And the wind cries.."

Back in my day carhops at drive-in restaurants were also mechanics because they needed to drum up business for the declining industry.

Back in my day omg stood for One Man Gang.

# February Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you wrist splint for always being straight with me.

Thank you loud snoring for giving me an alibi every night.

Thank you red light for never letting me go.

Thank you darkness for never outshining me.

# February Weigh It Wednesdays💪

A car ran over your foot
Pessimistic View:  Oh no! My foot! AAAA!
Optimistic View:  I love being a land owner! Next year I'm gonna buy a second square foot of land, non-adjacent of course. Oh were I to afford square foot adjacency I would spend my money on finer things.

You found a snake in your bed
Pessimistic View:  I'll never be able to go to sleep again!
Optimistic View:  Aha! Memory foam is made of snakes! I'll blackmail the mattress industry for millions!

A helicopter chopped off your hand
Optimistic View:  I can be airlifted quickly to the nearest hospital.
Pessimistic View:  My helicopter is a lousy chef.

There's a shark in your pool!
Pessimistic View:  Unfavorably there are no tributaries for him to exit forthwith under his own accord.
Optimistic View:  I must have some really powerful enemies for this to happen. My death is gonna make the papers! And not just the obituary this time! I'm talking tragically bold mega-headings!

# February Think About it Thursdays👆

Who wore Worcestershire wings to be eaten? Was it West-Angel Willie?

Are you deeper than a mountain top?

You ever try to color fire with your blood because the fire is too orange?

Ow my third foot! Where'd my third foot go?

# February Friday's Feelings💕

I feel sorry for old clowns who think cement mixers are gimmicked circus cannons.

I feel like a duck in a tree trying to swim in a bird’s nest.

I feel like an windbag airbag.

I feel like nails wishing they could be the nails across the chalkboard to dominate the entire scope of nail loudness with the hammereding AND the scratching.

# February Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember a time when cleaning your plate simply meant eating a lot rather than washing a plate?

Does anyone else remember when we found that carrier pigeon in the mailbox because he didn't feel like flying down our long driveway?

Does anyone else remember that time when we met that whale that could play guitar & we were like, "Wow! You rock! Here try this electric guitar!" & the whale said "Great! I've never played one of these before!" & he took it & got electrocuted to death & we all ate whale that night & all the nights for the rest of our lives?

Does anyone else remember a time when burning candles was barbaric & people wondered aloud all day in Yiddish accents, "What's the deal with candles? Why do they make em if we can't burn 'em? What's the difference between em & 'em?"

# February R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Enter a talent contest to show off your talent of judging talent.
2. Help someone to speed up & be on time by flashing them a creepy smile.
3. Carry someone's groceries into their house using your army of slave turtles.
4. Lay flowers on the chests of people who are about to die.
5. Leave a web QR code inside of your library book that links to your review of the book.
6. Feed birds.. the truth.
7. Cure homelessness by giving away your unused stock of Barbie's Dreamhouses.

# Survey Saturday☑

Where is the best place to keep an extra umbrella?
❑ In a 1970s science book.
☒ In science
☑ Outside of the realm of science

# Catching up with Michael Reyes, Emperor of Piemerica

1. Can or Do you still play twister?
No, my feet are colorblind
2. What's your favourite pizza topping?
Several other supreme pizzas
3. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Shoes come in pairs now?
4. Do you have any pets?
Yes all peeves
5. What would your hero name be?
Graffie Zeppie
6. What would your hero outfit be?
A clear plastic portable closet
7. What would you do if you won the lottery?
Buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner shares the money with me
8. Which form of public transport do you prefer?
tribunal cycle
9. Are you psychic in any way?
I knew you were going to ask me that.
10. Are you a good dancer?
Yeah I donate my dances to the homeless to help them busk
11. Have you ever been bungee jumping?
I used a bungee cord as a jump rope and that counts!
12. Where would your dream holiday be?
One where teleportation is the travel method.
13. Can you tap dance?
Sure what do you want me to tell it after I get its attention?
Soup
15. What's your favourite alcoholic drink?
Mixed drinks are the only drinks that drink alcohol.. and just because a drink gets drunk doesn't mean it's an alcoholic.
Cummerbund
17. If you could go back in time to change one thing what would it be?
I would make it so time machines would be invented earlier
18. How many hats do you own?
None. I believe in the inherent autonomy of cranial accessories
19. Are you any good at pool?
I can barely swim
20. Have you ever been admitted to hospital?
21. Have you ever had any brushes with the law?
What is that? A new way of doing coke?
22. Have you ever been on TV?
Back in the tube days, when a man could choose to sit on a tv.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
Can you meet yourself?
24. Have you ever been to Legoland?
If you count the crappy empty square replica I made myself, yes.
25. Have you ever done something heroic?
I've spoken in a heroic tone.
26. Have you ever played a practical joke on anyone?
All jokes are practical because laughter is the best medicine.
27. Do you prefer baths or showers?
For babies I like both
28. What colour socks are you wearing?
Underwear color is private
29. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Of course, I'd hate to lose weight just to become famous
30. Would you ever go on Big Brother?
No, but maybe while I was a baby when he changed my diaper I went on him
31. How big is your TV?
Pends on how big I write it.
32. What type of music do you like?
The outgoing type, shy music is not easy to hear.
33. How big is your house?
It's AS BIG AS A HOUSE!
34. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
There's a difference?
35. What do you typically have for breakfast?
The usual
36. Do you like scary movies?
I hate the smell of burning celluloid.
37. How long can you balance on one foot?
Depends on how long the person's foot can handle the pain of me standing on it.
38. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yeah, the poor guy, it was two days before his retirement
39. What's your favourite clean word?
spick (without span because spickets bring you water)
40. What's your favourite swear word?
pact
41. What's your least favourite word?
less, & surprisingly (to you) least is my second least favorite word
42. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
30+ hours but I plan on breaking that record after I die
43. What's the tallest building you've ever been up?
Not sure, maybe I've been in buildings that have 90 stories buried deep below, like a library that buries its old books.
44. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
The clothes, because I change those anyway
45. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence?
Whose?
46. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes?
No I can't get any dye out of my tie, stupid thing!
47. Are you reliable?
If I have to procrastinate before answering that means no right?
48. Are you proud of yourself?
Yes, yourself is a wonderful word.
Secret is in the name, How would I know? HOW would I know?
50. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be?
What is the answer to that question about what question I would ask you? I can't think of one… yet. Crud you still haven't thought of one? It's been forty years!
51. Do you hold grudges?
Depends on how much you pay me.
52. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature what new animal would you create?
I'd rather do it in a lab than have them make whoopee.
53. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas?
No, I've learned that when it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.
54. Are you much of a gambler?
I bet I'm not.
55. Are you much of a daredevil?
I'm more of a truthdevil.
56. Are you a good liar?
That's an oxymoron
57. Are you any good at charades?
Permit me to demonstrate my answer..
58. How long could you go without talking?
….
59. Have you ever sleepwalked?
No. I only sleep luge.
60. Can you play poker?
Only the fireplace kind.
Space
62. Can you impersonate anyone famous?
Not without lawyers getting involved.
Is umlaut an accent?
64. What do you like on your toast?
Not crackers that's for soiten
65. Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap?
I like prison bars of soap
66. How do you have your eggs?
I don't produce eggs.
"I can't say."
68. Can you stand on your hands unassisted?
Yeah I can bend over that far
69. What do you have on your fridge door?
Edible magnets
70. Do you love or hate Myspace?
I think everyone is entitled to their own space
71. What's your most expensive piece of clothing?
The torso part?
72. Have you ever bought anything from ebay?
That's a unique accent you have!
73. Can you blow bubbles with bubblegum?
Yeah & non-bubble gum too, OOOH
74. Can you curl your tongue?
I don't know enough about the sport of curling to know if that requires me to have my tongue cut out or not. With the ice I think no.
75. Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?
I've never heard it speak so it must be an introvert.
76. Have you ever owned a yo-yo?
Yo
77. Have you ever been on a pogo stick?
No go on the pogo
78. Have you ever accidentally injured anyone?
No but I made it look like an accident.
79. Have you ever been banned from a public place?
Yeah but because of me it's not public anymore.
80. How much spam email do you tend to get a week?
Amazingly SPAM® has never sent me an email. I hear their knewsletter comes out an absurd amount of times per week.
81. As a kid were you ever frighted of a monster under the bed or in the cupboard?
No, my monster slept in the top bunk.
82. Are you a clean or messy person?
…….mes…sy…… (the dots are crumbs)
83. What's your preferred playing piece in monopoly?
I like the car because it can run over the dog then we can barter to close the lawsuit.
84. Have you ever entered a talent contest?
As a surprise judge. The non-surprise judges didn't like my talent of being judgmental.
85. Are you a bad loser?
Aren't all losers bad, that's why they lose right?
86. What's your favourite type of Pie?
That preference is proximity based.
87. What's your favourite board game?
Whittling
88. Do you have much of an ego?
Yeah but I'm borrowing it
89. What's your favourite supermarket chain?
The one that keeps the carts from rolling into the street
90. What's your favourite fast-food chain?
I wish sandwiches came with locks
91. What's your favourite type of tree?
The one that made my floor. I love that my floor happens while I'm standing.
92. If you could bankrupt one person or company who would it be?
Parker Brothers because they have a monopoly on the game Monopoly®.
93. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Wouldn't you like to know?
94. Would you ever want to learn to fly?
I'd like to ply a flain
95. Have you ever milked a cow?
Only through blackmail.
96. What's the cleverest word you know?
Smarty because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your dangling lower case g.
97. Have you ever wielded a sword?
I tried but the sword was so big it was unwielding (aka I was too weak).
98. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building named after you?
A building shaped like a statue.
99. Which do you prefer pony tails or pig tails?
On the animals themselves, for comedy, pig tails, for decency, pony tails
100. What's the ultimate cake topping?
Pie that dissolves the cake under it
101. Have you ever used the yellow pages?
I've used white pages as tp creating yellow pages
102. If you have an mp3 player what size is it?
13 Wide
103. Do you talk to yourself?
No since the incident
104. Do you know any identical twins?
Maybe if the world is mostly twins & they're all pranking me by only showing up one at a time.
105. Could you ever be a medical Guinea pig?
No, medical people would figure out real quick that I'm human
106. What's your favourite letter of the Alphabet?
ZZZZZZ.. sorry fell asleep there. What was the question?
107. What are cooler? Dinosaurs or Dragons?
Dinosaurs because they don't breathe fire fool
108. Do you know CPR?
No. What is that a CCR cover band?
109. Have you ever cheated at a test?
Yeah my driver's test. I used a stunt butt.
110. Are you a gossip?
I don't know, what have you heard!?
111. Do you always wear identical socks?
Yeah & they're bitter about it
112. Do you like the sound of music?
I prefer to taste it. I have great musical taste.
Does tang count? It's orange.
114. Do you like long or short hair?
In my soup, short.
115. Have you ever walked into a wall?
If doorways count
116. What's your favourite precious stone?
I don't know, the necklace she wore?
117. Could you ever hunt your own meal?
If I was eating a gunless robot filled with candy.
118. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes?
Diagonal stripes, it’s the best of both!
119. Can you name all 50 American states?
Yes, if by name you mean rename. North Vigoda here I come!
120. Have you ever owned a goldfish?
Nope just silverfish for me :(
121. Have you ever passed wind in an embarrassing situation?
You can't pass wind, wind passes you.
122. Have you ever played the bongos?
Yes that time bongos were bogo.
123. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?
Yeah, I lead a million Ottoman march on Fantasia
124. Do you have a favourite mug?
I did but it was shot.
125. Do you know any self-defense or martial arts?
I've got plenty of defense mechanisms. I'm like a self-defense machine in that regard.
126. Do you collect anything?
No just certain things.
127. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?
Fashion not mattering
128. Do you stick to conventional fashions or like to try and be original?
Conventional? You mean like cosplay or you are you talking like a yarn convention or something?
129. Have you ever given someone a handmade present?
Does a rabbit's foot count?
130. Are you introvert or extrovert?
I'm more introhoriz than introvert.
131. If you could have any feature from an animal what would you want?
Lucky rabbit's feet of course
132. Have you ever had a disastrous interview?
Yeah interviewing that dancing bear was a terrible idea.
133. Have you ever warn clothing with the labels/tags still attached?
Yeah those chumps are really clingy
134. If you saw someone drop a \$10 note, would you claim it for your own or try to return it to them?
I'd ask for half & provide exact change.
135. Have you ever helped someone across the road?
Yes, by "nudging" them repeatedly with my bumper.
136. Have you ever been horse-riding?
Yes, if you mean the horse riding me.
137. Have you ever walked a tightrope?
I walked a looserope, it is much more danerouser.
138. Do you have any family heirlooms?
This isn't 'ot 6 people don't use looms anymore!
139. Do you throw bread for ducks?
Yeah but no one ever throws me ducks back.
140. Are you any good at egg and spoon races?
Yeah I always win unless the egg is hatched down a chute
141. Are you tired of answering questions yet?
From this list no, from life in general, yes
142. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails?
I would if I met a talking chain mail
143. Do you often have a tune in your head you can't name?
Yeah, legally they won't let me rename it, even though I had nothing to do with it. Thanks a lot Warner/Chappell!
144. What do you do to keep fit?
Throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.
145. Are you the sort to step in and try to break up a fight?
Yep, it's the one way I can shove people without them getting mad at me.
146. Have you ever started a rumor?
No, I've never been popular enough to do that.
147. Have you ever been in or had a food fight?
I fight food all the time, it's called Kung Food.
148. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol?
Yeah but I failed & my wound ended up being fatal.
149. If you invented a monster what would you call it?
The Semi-Annual Sordaspookster.
150. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals?
Maybe in some beachern countries
151. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it?
Captain Ship, The Sentient Boat that winces in pain when you walk on its deck.
152. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be?
Emergency Party Hats
153. If you were to join one of the armed forces which would it be?
The one where they give you 4 roboarms.
154. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would you choose to study?
The tastes of foods
155. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change it?
I hate most modern movie endings because the copyright years at the end of the credits don't use Roman Numerals anymore!!
156. If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
Toxic gas or Walking Non-Sequitur
157. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone?
No I keep my sweet revenge in a thermos, I never spill it.
158. Have you ever been to a live concert?
No, all the concerts I've been to were prerecorded.
159. Have you ever needed stitches?
Yeah, clothes ARE a need.
160. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything?
I wish they'd tell me to get more sleep.
161. What's the best way to your heart?
Vena cavas
162. Do you know your own mobile phone number by heart?
No, it's my brain that knows it.
163. Have you ever been in a submarine?
I've been in a submarine sandwich, rookie cannibals need to stop trying to eat so fresh.
164. What's your favourite nursery rhyme?
Cursory
There haven't been any leaders that lasted through all time.
166. What's your favourite farmyard animal?
If I like armadillo milk does that make it a farmyard animal?
167. How high can you jump?
13,000 feet because I'm counting jumping OUT of a plane.
168. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere?
No, I don't know anyone named Majorly.
169. How fast can you say the alphabet?
A fifth of a second, it's just two words.
170. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z?
This whole time I thought it was inaudible!
171. What was the last thing to make you feel happy?
The guy who made me feel the texture of his inspirational woodcarvings.
172. What was the last thing to make you feel angry?
This question because it reminded me that anger exists.
173. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself?
Of course, that is why I think.
174. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just too scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about?
175. Can you roll your R's?
"Joke" about rolling physical R's somewhere
176. Do you know any magic tricks?
Silly rabbit, it's Lucky Charms that are magically delicious.
177. What's the largest amount of money you've ever won?
I won 3,000 in a robbery… because I stopped it, yeah that's it.
178. Do you prefer Honey or Jam?
Jam, because, I mean, honey is totally sweet, but jam rocks!
179. How fast can you get changed?
I'm not sure what my cell regeneration rate is, you nerd!
180. How fast do you type?
90WPM but I stereotype even faster
181. Which is better, Mario or Sonic?
As a child's name.. Sonic.
182. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a broken arm?
A broken leg because it would mean I did good at showbiz.
183. Have you ever had anything published?
I got my obituary published when I faked my death! Yeah!
184. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Babies probably love their mommas when they first see them.
185. How many remote controls do you have in your house?
That's oxymoronic. My house is not remote thus all the controls in it are near controls.
186. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna?
I'm not microwaved leftovers why would I ever be in a hot tub?
187. Have you ever had chicken pox?
No, those pox were brave & very social because they spread to everyone I've ever known & ever will meet.
188. What words do you always struggle to spell correctly?
Oh you want me to type them? You're sick!
189. If you discovered a new species of dinosaur what would you call it?
Impostorsaurus
190. If you could have any celebrity's hair who's would it be?
The baldies because that's yuck I don't want to collect hair.
191. Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
A snowman because he'd keep me cool.. Aww crap he melted. Solarpoweredrefidgeratorman, or whatever boat is alive that could take me home.
192. If you could change your name to anything what would your new name be?
Anything. You gave me no other choice!
193. Have you ever planted a tree?
No but I planted a kiss on one. Tree huggers aren't dedicated enough!
194. What's the heaviest thing you can lift?
My ego
195. What was the last present you received?
This moment
196. What was your first alcoholic drink?
I've never brewed anything.
197. Have you ever carved a pumpkin?
No, whittling sticks aren't thick enough to approximate a pumpkin.
198. If you were a giant mega monster what city would you rampage?
Whichever one has the tastiest people.
199. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid?
I mean one of the building materials was wood, so I guess so. Like, I wasn't living in a bunker.
200. If you could replace one body part with a super bionic replacement what body part and what features would the new bionic replacement have?
Wisk fingers
201. Teenage parents, good bad or indifferent?
Of course they're indifferent, they're teenagers.
202. What's the most expensive thing you've ever broken?
A heart
They've gotta get it on their boat somehow
204. Do you have to wear glasses?
No, I have hands for carrying my drinks.
205. Would you rather be the world's greatest football player or lover?
Lover because I'll never have to retire from it.
206. Do you have a list of things to do before you're 'x' years old?
I'm past 10 bud.
207. What are better, violins or pianos?
Pianos because they are better at storing strong cheeses
208. If you could see any band, which would you like to see?
I'd rather hear them but whatever.
209. What would you say is your favourite album of all time?
The one with my kids' pictures in it
My plutonic love is always for rent.
Yeah, that's why they have names.
212. Have you ever been fishing?
For compliments
213. What makes you nostalgic?
214. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
Bugabuga!   Gotcha! There it was!
215. If you had to describe yourself as a flavour, what would it be?
The sponge that cleaned the soft serve machine.
216. Do you wear sunglasses indoors to look cool or stylish?
They have outdoors now?
217. Do you have any superstitions?
"I'm afraid not."

# No 1/17 Lessons🎓

No one wants to walk on egg shells, except a proud mother hen.

No one likes to be told "You're A Coward," except little Johnny who has just been adopted into the Coward family.

No one wants to break the rules, except the people who know the rules exist.

No one wants their pants to fall down in public unless they're racing their pants.

No one wants to be left out, except pies that are cooling.

No one wants a tree to fall on them, except a tree hugger that wants to take it to the next level.

No one wants to put mustard on a peanut butter & jelly sandwich except mustard salesmen.

No one wants to be looked over, except dog show dogs.

No one likes to take the blame, except anonymous hackers.

No one wants a cop to shoot em unless the cop is also a photographer.

No one wants a thumb tack in their sock unless it’s hanging it from a mantel.

No one wants a cobra in their soup unless it’s cobra soup.

No one wants to get stuck in a rut except stickers. Because stickers aren't picky they're sticky.

No one wants to throw their Life away, unless they left the box open & it's stale.

No one wants to be insecure, except slutty Wi-Fi.

No one wants to go through life afraid, except stylish bath rugs that think I said, "afrayed."

No one wants their wife  to disappear, except magicians.

No one likes to be made to feel less than, except <.

No one wants a toilet full of candy unless it’s post digested.

No one likes to be told to shut up, except cartoon wardrobes eager to show off their door flapping skills.

No one wants a burger made of wax unless it’s a candle.

No one likes to be told "You're no good," except students at the Super-Villain Academy.

No one wants to see that.. except people reading the word that.

No-one ever wastes money, suckers just pay non-suckers.

No one ever wants to run away from home. They want to run to a new home.

No one wants an orange filled with blood, unless you're a vampire that likes oranges.

No one likes to feel judged, except actors on trial in their first courtroom scene.

No one wants a knife in their back, unless they’re having surgery, voluntary surgery.

No one likes to have egg on their face, except freaky-deek chickens.

No one wants to drop the chainsaws they're juggling except treasure hunters trying to discretely saw through the floor so they can discover the lost golden anvils of El Rey.

No one likes to be told "Your best friend has just died," except people in heaven.

# New Year's Resolutions📦

This year I resolve to watch less TV, by only watching 2 TVs at a time.

This year I resolve to stop biting my nails. Instead I'll finally buy that claw hammer & use it to remove my nails. I'll use a claw to remove nails.

This year I resolve to eat less.. while holding my breath underwater.

This year I resolve to travel more because I hate dribbling.

This year I resolve to cross one thing off my bucket list by killing Mr. Bucket.

This year I resolve to think before I go online & type.. jokes without a punchline.

This year I resolve to learn how to be a better dog owner so I can obnoxiously overgive people advice about it despite not having a dog myself.

This year I resolve to save money by disinfecting take-a-penny leave-a-penny trays, the #1 cause of Abeitis.

resolve to become I year This organized. more

This year I resolve to summit a mountain, after making a mountain out of a mole hill.

This year I resolve to start a sole proprietorship & anytime someone asks me about it I'll say, "It's none of your business."

This year I resolve to do more laughing.. maniacally in public.

This year I resolve to help more people cross the road, especially the ones chasing a chicken.

This year I resolve to spend less time on social media by hiring a retired helper monkey to give me the jist of it.

This year I resolve to exercise more... self-control... when it comes to overusing... ellipses... starting tomorrow... ...

This year I resolve to quit the bad habit of.. making resolutions I'll surely break.

# January Selfesque Sundays📣

Fun? You want fun? Well, Mr. Fun is my middle name!

People used to think my beard was fake (because I used to use glue as a moisturizer on my face).

My abs are so strong there's no space between the muscles.

I don't take NOtes, I take YEStes because I believe in myself.

I like that they give us chairs at work it really boosts my morale, it makes me feel like I'm the chairman.

# January Monday Night Memories📻

Back in my day we had all our ducks in a row. Then we hurled rocks at them & that's how we bowled.

Back in my day we didn't have cubes. The best we had was a sqacirtrispir. It was a square on top, a circle on the side, a triangle on the other side & an Archimedean spiral on the bottom. We didn't have no time for high highfalutin 6 sided shapes. I never even saw a heptagon until I was 30 years old!

Back in my day we didn't get participation trophies, we didn't get any trophies. Graven images were not kosher.

Back in my day the only showers we could afford to take were when we snuck our heads under people's watering cans. And doing that meant the flowers didn't get watered properly & thus we robbed beauty from the world.

Back in my day nobody had Underscore as a middle name.

# January Tuesday Thanks🙏

Thank you mirror for always seeing eye to eye with me.

Thank comforter for not being hard on me.

Thank you Tri-Leg Dutch Oven for standing up for other oven minorities.

Thank you Irish tailor for cutting me slack.

Thank you non-archeologists for not digging up the past.

# January Weigh It Wednesdays💪

Optimistic View:  You can feed it goat figurines telling it that they are shrunken goats.
Pessimistic View:  I don't think the breeding is going to go well.

Pessimistic View:  That's not sanitary.
Optimistic View:  I trust him more because he knows better than any doctor that it sucks to be dead.

Optimistic View:  Wow look at him go! All that training paid off! Who's regretting that \$10 I spent on his wheel now?
Pessimistic View:  If he falls through the crack in the floor there'll finally be a downside to that sinkhole under the house.

Your pet fruit fly died young
Pessimistic View:  Now what am I going to do with all this rotten fruit I bought for his month day?
Optimistic View:  They'll put me on tv for being crazy enough to keep track of my infestations' lifespans!

# January Think About it Thursdays👆

Is there anything toast can’t do? I mean, except beg to not be eaten.

Why haven’t they invented a language where every word rhymes with another? Brother, souther, mother, smother, grandmother, grandbrother. Oh.. it's because only 6 words rhyme with another.

Would you wear a quality napkin coat?

# January Friday's Feelings💕

I feel like a centipede with 2 feet.

I feel like cheese cubes rolling down the hilly street of my childhood home.

I feel like a 4 leaf clover wishing it could participate in autumn.

I feel like wearing a coat made of wax.

# January Memba Whens🐘

Does anyone else remember that time when a cactus fell off a truck into the middle of the street & everyone obeyed it as a crossing guard?

Does anyone else remember that time when the mayor cracked down on birdhouse slumlords?

Does anyone else remember that time when the electricity went out & all the candles instantly lit up?

Does anyone else remember that time we found out the house down the street had 2 rooves when the roof fell off the roof because some kid put a second roof on his house so he could boss his dad around?

# January R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃

1. Dress up like a boss & go around telling people they're fired at a place you don't work so they can be relieved later that they still have a job or relieved that they no longer have to work because they went home mid-shift after a stranger dubiously terminated them.
2. Take the your new pet killer whale to the circus to laugh & enjoy its freedom. The big top has the only entrance that you can fit its giant water tank through.
3. Discover twins' need for a dual rocking horses toy & invent Rocken Oxen, "Extra yoked!"
4. Install mini-saunas into neighbors' mailboxes so their mail can already be opened for them.
5. Found a Benny Hannas style ice-cream shop & employ down on their luck clowns to juggle scoops.
6. Out of respect Legally rename your dog with the name of your sibling's dead childhood cat, Mewy Purrmurrs III.
7. Rob a grave, resell the casket to a poor family, give the paltry sum of money you made on the sale to the deceased's family.

# Survey Saturday☑

How many silk hacksaws I can put you down for?
❑ 1
⊡ 2
⧉ 6.12 (7th one is damaged, you get the 1/8 at a discount).
▣ I'm not sure how many silk hacksaws it would take to kill me. As a saw I'd die of old age before it could kill me. Oh? It's frozen silk? Ech, I don't want to think about this right now!

# +=- Raincoat odometer avalanche disguise.💖

I've made a bacon comb, this was my dream. It has all the features a bacon comb needs. A felony prevention kit, a presence indicator, a bacon strip ridger, & a wad of wool to soak up the extra grease.

I've got a canopy to prevent clams from falling on my head. I'm the director of excitement! Goodbye. Ravioli filled with pudding, come nigh. I ruffle spirit feathers like a gastropod. These holes must be from jumbo gophers so with my lute I will laud.

I've got a badge showing that I have a beak in case you look at my chest instead of my face because I keep my branch shaped candy close to my heart. I drive an Uber but just for couples who need booster seats when they sit on thrones.

I like to pitch softballs at birds who wear carnations to control the poet spiders' incantations. I like billboards with butchers on em chopping eight steamrollers on the streets of autumn.

Criminal with a portfolio surprise sculptures a shelf into a nanoparticle. Pentagon stamp fights with lemonade thermometer. Conga line during soccer game ends with bloodied limbs.

Leopard pineapple interior. Towel throws a temper, temper throws in the towel. I knock over waiters & steal the shattered glasses to use as pillow stuffing for my guest room where my enemies stay.

Unfortunately meteors don't have a double edge criteria for slamming into the earth. Please tornadoes don't pilgrimage! Weekend utensils depart like toothbrushes protesting a soda bar. I'm shooting sausage at a ladybug & it's darting like a disco surname.

If concrete falls on you your wrist will become a windshield, it will be cracked like a lonely shark's mirror. Surprise bathtub. Nylon leafs on fire. I'm a charlatan backbone. I deliver stew emulation. I am the sultan of inviting typewriters to debufont balls.

My bicycle made of kleenex weighs an ounce. I hate that I can't name a cat Misses Claws without it sounding Christmassy. We are money flying out of a jet's wallet. Platinum sundial. Carrot drumsticks need salt tonight. Father-figures by the pound.

Blowgun in a salon cleans your hair of leaves & bones. Swan carcass pillow. How feathers feel aftershocks. A tank as a postbox. You row me away through mounds of water. Story-telling catsup booster megaphone station during riot.

Aliens eat foam they are not alone that's why they're called alien\$. Recording a zebra's thoughts for its children. If you fall asleep somewhere weird you make a fluke bedroom. Ovals aren't laughing at migrating switchboards in 20ths century part B. Cardboard shorts make you feel special while crying. Gemsbok rams poison in my hands. In my hands sphere watch breaks deals it made with Pavlov Pavilions.

Hobby confusion, entertained by aluminum glands. Quasi-limit existence or we won't be stable. I hate the tablecloth sized page. It makes me allergic to the non-numeric timeline.

Dogsled hats in industries of neologism randomize one shade of a color. Pocket-watch headlights play chess with dragon mothers. Radio decongestant isn't good for your ears.
Watering ripples flood your dresser with piranha prose recruits.
They call them fireflies because fire doesn't swim.

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#### MARS Up-tempo Music Sampler

Every Second Worry Impowers Fits 1:08
Those of us on the ledge in the wind. 2:29
Don't Hush Now :30
The night the fire gave no light. :54
Amidst rope 1:18
Ages in Bloom :29
Nothing is Similar :48
Shining darkness...... :56
Spreading out a quilt on grass that looks like a quilt :48
Style us 2:17
Life Shell :23
Dizzy Bay 1:28
At first I thought it was my mind... 1:14
dr. stoop pays his lite bill 2:04
Still Not Today :17
Safari Rhino Tracks :56
Those of us who say "We..." 4:51
Those of us with our head in the sea. 2:22
Desert Saw Name Window 1:25
Stars on a Clothes Line :28
The Ship Leaks from Above 1:03
Time Traveller :56
Master Working :43
I've both fostered sake nealing seat 1:05
Dedicated harnesses waiting for crumbs. :43
Towers again. 1:03
I have no identity so how can this be a crisis? 1:20
Tagline :51
Holld :58
EveryThing was Personally hand Washed by me 1:35
Sickle of fire...Loudest Silence, :51
HAUT 1:17
Rock drick garden 1:08
Fogless Sight 1:08
Text-tile :25
Label + (Hold) :40
Incompliable :40
Today or something like it 1:14
when is the fortuen made to rivers? 1:17
It started today 1:08
aspiring stoop exited a hole in the veranda's mind 2:01
Far too late in the early morning. :29
Expelious Sea 1:50
I run the mill like a hamster at its wheel. :30
You are not trapped 1:42
Eyce :59
It was Ok. 1:23
Ponector Kin :41
:Oyas todo nias phel elpi doh yahnah tais: 1:52
The MARk :27
Volts into you :45
Dairy Harvest 1:42
One Color Rainbow 1:18
Sound without Effect 2:14
Remake :32
Best of II :55

#### MARS Relaxing Music Sampler

The Real Iceberg 4:31
inq. :45
Those of us on the curb watching traffic. 2:51
Greatest Sequels II 2:13
Don't Hush Now :30
new dew 2:26
I'm Tired of Whispering AND Shouting 1:17
Has-been Run has been run 4:17
Prime Flower 2:41
Mind Without Affect 1:22
& the bubble took the rain dog :55
I Caught You Throwing 3:03
Fiveground 1:13
I Blew Blue 1:04
The Living Water Surface 1:00
Messiah Waits 1:08
Mister Wonderful 3:45
vlain :49
Im sent on lot 2:22
keet-vlot 3:36
Affection stand contribution upon raise touch 1:45
My sky is tight. 1:18
Sake hardened. 1:39
Ninja O' Meter (Brain) :56
If it was anywhere but here... 2:20
Softly witnessed tributaries 1:14
What we have in store for you. 1:13
No Key available. 2:06
Froj 1:32
Pen lock a cord. :51
Plow Seige People :57
Leasing any lacer 1:27
Chances no longer exist 2:05
!question of intelliline? 3:09
pineapple shotting reel in your mirror 1:37
The moon is a crust of letters 1:25
is/t that it/s? :56
I was looking through the window 1:57
Mathetactics 1:32
Play in the field until nightfall 2:01
Am I here? Am I here too soon? 1:15
Today & The Years Gone Bye 2:52
off tin :33
Have you ever seen a longer longer? 2:05
Sliding Moderation 1:14
Fickle Illusion 1:02
A building lake 1:11
Candle whipped battle axe 1:28
Satellites Zooming In 1:11
Settlers camping in noman's land 1:58
grow wind. grow 1:45
ccxol 2:20
ond & offd 1:41
More Sound Without Effect 2:55
egdrib 1:43
Return 1:57
depositCE 1:14
Catching Up in Perfection 2:00
Greatest Sequels 1:28
None the Same 2:50

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