Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Poor Man's March Lessons
You know you're poor if you're still saving up for that other scis.
You know you're poor when you use birdbath water as the base of your soups.
You know you're poor when you squirt lemons in your eyes to go colorblind just so you won't be covetous.
You know you're poor when you can't afford to eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken so you eat at Puerto Rican Raw Bird.
You know you're poor when you use lightning bugs to light your house at night.
You know you're poor if instead of insurance you have well-probably-not-ance or mildly-unlikely-ance.
You know you're poor when the only toppings you can afford on your pizza are your own tears.
You know you're poor when you use cheese as a mirror.
You know you're poor if you've antagonized someone because you were so hungry you'd settle for a knuckle sandwich.
You know you live in a poor city when the water tower ain't nothin' but knee high.
You know you're poor when your windshield looks like it's been used in an actual war.
You know you're poor when you couldn't afford tooth-picks so you had to
settle for tooth-we-tell-you-what-to-dos. Emancipated tooth cleaning
sticks just cost way too much!
You know you grew up poor when you encourage your kids to litter just so other folk can find somethin' real nice.
You know you're poor when the only crayon you can afford is the color blue.
You know you're poor when you've got a gun with no ammo, a soup with no
moisture, a dog with no legs, a shirt with no front, & a scarf with
You know you're poor when you never take anything out of a box except for yourself!
You know you're poor when you get stuck in traffic & you aren't in a rush to get home because you're already home.
You know you're poor if you've never recycled aluminum cans because you need them for the coils in your homemade mattress.
You know you're poor if the only steak you've ever eaten was the steak
to your tent because it was softened by protein filled termites.
You know you're poor if in lieu of buying a hat or sunglasses you only go outside when it is cloudy.
You know you're poor if the speedometer on your car never goes past zero either because it is broke or because you car is.
You know you're poor if the birds in the park leave you bread.
You know you're poor when your wardrobe consists of short, glass, & pant.
You know you're poor when you commit a crime just to get some free police tape to use as a clothes line.
You know you're poor if you only go to the movie theater to collect discarded ticket stubs so you can burn them for warmth.
Penny pinchers keep a sack of corroded pennies just so they won't go nuts on St. Patrick's Day.
You know you're poor when your favorite meal is shadow toast. Mmmm taste that shaddy!
You know you're poor if save your kid's hair clippings so you can give
your kids beards for the winter because you can't afford scarves.
You know you're poor when you can pick up your pickup truck because you done sold all the parts off that dang thang.
You know you grew up poor if your parents asked you what you wanted for
Christmas & you said "A firetruck!" so they just took the truck you
already owned & set it on fire & gave it to you. Fortunately
they didn't try to wrap that one & put it under the tree.
You know you're poor when the only reason you dye your hair is to either absorb or deflect the sun's warmth.
You know you're poor when you go to the mail room on your lunch break just so you can lick the envelopes for sustenance.
You know you're poor if your tires are retired.
You know you're poor when the blinker on your car just stares.
You know you're poor when instead of buying strawberry jam you buy imitation strawberry sortacrappydubstepsong.
You know you're poor when your idea of an air freshener is to just stop fartin'.
You know you're poor if you get into too much monkey business, which is any & all monkey related business ventures.
You know you're poor if when you talk about "change" no one ever assumes you are talking about politics.
You know you're poor that when you look for enough money to buy an air
conditioner you have to settle for either an air-junkfooder, an
air-heathrisker, or an air-baconsundae.
You know you're poor if the closest you've ever come to royalty is that time your uncle rented a bouncy castle for your cousin.
You know you grew up poor if your momma didn't let you play as a
princess. She only let you play dead because it was the one thing you
could realistically aspire to.
You know you're poor when the only basketball you've ever owned was made out of old baskets. It bounc'd a littl' bit.
You know you're poor if the closest thing you've ever had to a mirror
is your finger nails after you ran em through your greasy hair.
You know you're poor when you have hardwood floors in your house.. because your floor is made of tipped over trees.
You know you're poor when instead of a cheese greater you've got a cheese worser.
You know you're poor when instead of painting your house, you sharpie it.
You know you're poor when you're afraid to look at billboards because you're afraid you'll get charged for it.
You know you're poor if you've never had a birthday cake with candles
to wish upon so you go to the scene of local fires & try to blow
them out to make one big wish.
You know you're poor when your trash can doubles as your soup pot.
You know you're poor when you request your last meal to be beans &
cornbread because you ain't never had the luxury of eatin' either one.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
February is just the Tip of the Iceberg for Lesson Theme Months!
Tip of the Iceberg: "If an iceberg tells you, 'Come on in! The
water is fine.' remember that temperature preference differs between
the animate & inanimate."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't wreck into me."
Tip of the Iceberg: "To boost their self-esteem whales stopped wearing clothes so they could always be skinny dipping."
Tip of the Iceberg: "I don't like ice breakers. I'm huge why would I like small talk?"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Simply wear a chin guard & you are ready to ride a pretend sled."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Statistics wrought by poller bears have a bias that is heavier than the bears themselves."
Tip of the Iceberg: "It's so cold where I live you can literally hold your breath underwater."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Wearing snow shoes is only slightly better
for crossing a bed a nails than a bed of hot coals. I suggest you use
them for neither."
Tip of the Iceberg: "In the coming centuries if you ever go to an
iceberg zoo, make sure to feed us iceberg lettuce to keep us from
floating violently toward you."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Not all of us Icebergs are Jewish. Some of us just married in."
Tip of the Iceberg: "I think you're the one that's slippery."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Snow is not a good fertilizer."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can actually see the wind but since it
keeps giving you & everyone else the cold shoulder mankind has
unconsciously chosen to ignore the sight of it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Ice fishing is best done with a net."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't slip on me, it tickles."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Last year I vacationed at the beach & lost 440,000 lbs!"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't play polka near ice, it is too heartwarming."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you have to shave your ice cream you shouldn't eat it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Where I come from water doesn't get ice cold, ice gets water cold."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you don't want your snowmobile to have an accident put a diaper on it."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you think really hard while you see your
breath in the arctic it will become a brief thought cloud."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Don't use ice cubes they are an affront to my kind."
Tip of the Iceberg: "If you're coming to see me bring some crayons. All I ever see is white & blue!"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Penguins aren't flightless birds. They fly
underwater. Hey whaddahya want from me? I'm an ice burg. I don't know
the vocabulary for that underwater movin' thingy."
Tip of the Iceberg: "Santa Claus used to travel by ship but I showed him!"
Tip of the Iceberg: "Never trust a seal to open your mail."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can melt the entire polar ice caps with only 9 ramen seasoning packets."
Tip of the Iceberg: "You can defrost anything with sunlight if you get close enough to the sun."
+=- Dust Carried to Land
I'm halfway to Mexico by now… from Canada because that is where I live.
The McDonalds golden arches make you think of their french fries. Yeah
they make you wonder if the arches & the fries are made out of the
I don't have a musical bone in my body. Yeah I have all my marrow.
I couldn't see a thing, unless black is a thing.
I resist a rest when I'm not tired.
I am out of my mind because my mind is in me.
I like to beat savages to the punch of kindness.
Salman: are you this random with everyone?
MAR: No, I haven't met everyone yet. People keep dying before I can finish my list.
MAR: I'll just pretend you're everyone who ever lived, except me. Boy
you sure are all over the place, one minute you're Gandhiing & next
minute you're Mussoliniing.
Salman: yeah, I am also being blown up and get born simultaneously
MAR: ♫♪We are the world... but mostly just you♫♪
MAR: that is not how it works my dude
Salman: "my dude" never heard that
MAR: yeah & you still haven't unless you read it aloud
Salman: I read it aloud now
Nick: I empathize with you
MAR: Me too. I empathize with me. That makes me a good person right?
I am an amalgam of cereal mascots being forced to watch paint dry in the ocean.
Check briefcases for baby bears & one day you will win ah PRIZE!
I place $1,000 dollar orders all the time. I'm like "hey you, give me $1,000 dollars!
Saturday, January 31, 2015
The Proverbial January Lessons
The dog with the biggest bite is also the dog with the highest dentist bill.
The road less traveled has less pot holes, unless the local hillbillies warm their soup in it.
A buzzard without teeth & a clock with no hands are the same. You
can use neither to tell time. That is unless they are both wearing
A puzzle with 6-14 pieces missing is like a car missing its engine.
Unless you've ever driven a car, in which case the comparison is
The road less traveled enunciates "quaff" no better than the motorway covered in marmalade.
You can't teach a fish to juggle cheese whiz but you can teach an elk how to limp.
A barrel of dead monkeys isn't much fun at all.. unless you are very very VERY hungry.
An ambitious person without wings can fly just as high as a lazy bird that has no wings.
Sometimes the smallest people have the biggest hearts so shorties, go get that checked out by your doctor.
One bad apple spoils the whole bunch but the whole bunch, left uneaten, spoils together. So eat a whole bunch!
The weasel with the longest tail is easier stepped upon than the farthest asteroid.
Some people are best left alone & those people are already buried.
One man's rainbow is another man's "I'm not sure what you call it but it sure looks cool."
Money can't buy you contentment but it can buy you a gorilla that jogs in place.. if you're willing to shop around for a while.
The man with 7 houses does not have more to be thankful for than the man with one. Or is that the other way around?
The bigger the pillow, the more oblivious we are to the ostrich behind it.
The most embarrassing angels are those who choose the harpsichord over the harp.
Those who always keep their chin up will likely be scared of their own shadow.
A blister earned by hard work is far sweeter than a blister covered in motor oil & chalk dust.
Even the prettiest flower cannot be seen or smelled by a boxlet of staples.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass.
You can teach a deaf man's parrot to talk, but.. why?
A child with a stick of butter is more powerful than imaginary ocelot fur.
The light at the end of the tunnel is always brighter than the light in the trunk while it's closed.
A wise man does not build his house on hairy ice but a wise man does stock his house with quality Ronco® products.
The smallest pebble can be thrown but the largest rock cannot be
lifted. So in the end the tiny pebble makes the bigger splash. Likewise
the smaller Cheeto dissolves in Mellow Yellow slower than the larger
A pilot can steer the plane but the passenger doesn't have to.
People with their eyes closed cannot see the the glass as half full but they can still drink out of it.
Teach a kid to catch a football & he could become a millionaire. Teach a kid to juggle & he may never earn a cent.
The man who feels enslaved to his shoe strings needs to look up what the word "enslaved" means.
Whoever has the most gold doesn't win in the end but he sure can fix a lot of games while he's still around.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
1. I hope you can find it in your heart.. & by "it" I mean blood.
2. I miss the good ol' days when you didn't have to pray a blessing
over your meal because you could trust that the farmer had already
3. You guys are totally out of the looop. I bet you didn't even know they added an extra o to looop.
4. You should have seen the look on his face. It was the type of look
that said, "Wow look at the look on that other guy's face."
5. Have you ever agone existin'?
6. Remember that time Edgar gave you that wooden toast & you were
in the hospital for 3 years? No? Yeah we thought you had lost your
7. By my count your picture only says 999 words. This means it is of the devil because 999 is 666 upside-down.
8. Can you spell the word cube for me? I am terrible at spelling the word cube.
9. That awkward moment when someone writes something starting with "that awkward moment" & you're tired of the cliché.
10. If you can hear me say, "I can't hear you."
11. When you dream about banks who is sitting to the 3rd door to the left in the 2nd seat from the right?
12. The refrigerator is riding a motorcycle. The mini-fridge is riding a motortricycle.
13. I heard the Dollar Tree is having a Black Friday sale.. Everything is 99 cents.
14. In school they told us to pass the tests but when I got caught passing a test to another kid I got in trouble. What a world!
15. Melody isn't wonderful..
16. She's in a class by herself & she's the teacher.
17. How did I get such a good picture? It's because Melody is in it.
18. Melody is the best baby & she eats things that are the consistency of gravy.
19. Some say you have to be your kid's parent & not their friend.
But those people must be pretty lousy friends because I've got a
toddler & I don't see much of a difference. If a friend of mine
came over & started throwing food on the floor, playing with my
wires, & digging through my trash I'd insist that they stop too.
20. Show of hands, who has the most hands here?
21. Are you cheerful that floors happen when you are standing?
22. Glick had 5 toasters stationed outside his backdoor just in case
any of his toasts tried to escape to say kind things at parties.
23. Gnell learned how to fry an egg on her back porch. She got strange looks for having a porch attached to her shoulders.
24. Glark was only interested in owl sounds coming from the dashboards of wrecked cars.
25. Gnish had an app that scanned her surroundings & pulled up user
reviews of everything in existence. Yet she still didn't trust a soul.
26. Gleef never learned anything in class so he took a class on how to
take classes & because of the circular nature of it all he never
learned anything, not just in class but anywhere in life. It was a good
thing he was already 150 years old & knew everything he needed to
27. Gnord is busier than a pitchfork on prom night.
28. People decompose in dirt but plants compose in dirt so what do submarines do?
29. What you said was so disgusting I've been sick for 16 years & I just found out why.
30. Half Infinity
31. When they were passing out disasters in heaven he didn't take one.
The rest of us went through the line multiple times because we
foolishly thought it was noble.
32. Sports teams are usually named after animals. But what if there
were a team called The Humans. The crowd would cheer, "Go humans go!"
& it would bring a warm tear to all of our eyes.
33. This is Precious Roy & my Idaho is made of fresh cooked meat.
No Precious what about the steam ice maker?
Buy my elastic cinnamon razors. Suckers!
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
You are rich if you never wake up at the crack of dawn.. because you had the crack fixed.
You are rich if your toilet water is imported... from Mars!
You are rich if, when your teacher told you to put on your thinking cap
you put on your headdress that connected you to the ancient Mayan hive
You are rich if the ice you use in your beverages comes from the iceberg that wrecked the Titanic.
You are rich if you bite the hand that feeds you because you are fed by an edible robotic hand.
You are rich if the money you are saving for a rainy day is so you can
build a giant retractable dome over your city to keep the rain from
getting to you & to the crops of the poor.
You are rich if you spill the beans.. by reversing the earth's gravity!
You are rich if your limo has an officially licensed full sized NASCAR
racetrack with other golden limos on it racing each other.
You are rich if every cloud has a silver lining because you had some extra silver lying around.
You are rich if you take a back seat to no one.. because your cars cover both lanes by having 7 front seats.
You are rich if you are a son of a gun, a cloning gun.
You are rich if you visit your doctor everyday just so you can huck an apple at him.
You are rich if the salmon you buy swims upstream.. in the salmon olympics!
You are rich if you hire a narrator to narrate all of your actions just in case your actions don't speak louder than your words.
You are rich if you buy everything hook line and sinker because you only shop from mermaids.
You are rich if your clone calls in sick.
You are rich if when you say you're going to "surf the web" you mean the web created by your mutant silk-ice spider.
You are rich if your alarm has all the latest bells and whistles.
You are rich if, because you were tired of people saying, "Rome was not
built in a day" you paid to have Rome rebuilt in a day & it worked!
You are rich if you call it a day before the sun even comes up.
You are rich if, as a child you heard someone say, "It's raining cats
& dogs out there!" & you thought "that's a good idea" so you
had your parents build you a cat/dog sprinkler system by putting a
bowling alley on its side so the ball return would be the cat & dog
You are rich if you still write letters because you can pay to have them sent just as fast as a text.
You are rich if your money burns a hole in your pocket because you
accidentally took your self-warming winter coins with you on a summer
trip to the gumball machine.
You are rich if you live like there is no tomorrow because of your time machine never forcing you to experience tomorrow.
You are rich if your elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor because you use your experimental emevator for that.
You are rich if when you start the day off on the wrong foot you have
time rewound so you can restart the day on the right one but sometimes
you forget why you rewound time so you have to rewind it again a few
times before you get it right.
You are rich if you are heading for the poor house.. to knock it down.
You are rich if you know that breaking priceless ancient pottery for fun isn't all it's cracked up to be.
You are rich if your house is made of ice but you live in the desert.
You are rich when your idea of "pushing the envelope" is fighting a guy dressed as a giant envelope.
You are rich if the only time you have a bone to pick with someone is at the billionaires' dinosaur BBQ.
You are rich if you abandon ship just because the ship got wet.
You are rich if you shoot the messenger.. out of a canon so he can deliver the message faster.
You are rich if you own an indoor drug fog powered emotional roller coaster.
Rich guys named Rich who embrace themselves for who they are are the richest people in the world.
Monday, December 29, 2014
Cracked Fire, Cracks in Flames - New Double EP by MARS
MAR: I live on Brown Street.
Person: Brown like the color?
MAR: No brown like the sound you hear when someone says brown.
Stranger: Why are you sad?
MAR: It was a typo I meant to smile.
Stranger: Can I see a pic of u?
MAR: I don't know are you blind?
Person: I called you earlier.
MAR: I know but that's not my name so I didn't answer.
Child: My mommy said I was stupid.
MAR: She was right
MAR: Yeah just not about that.
Human: I'm pretty sure that's amusing.
MAR: You're not even confident when it comes to what you are amused by? Your parents failed you.
Human: You're not aware of sarcasm?
MAR: I'm not good with geolgraphy. I don't know much about casms, sorry.
MAR: Somehow being a critic is considered clever these days. That is
like a guy with a sign pointing at a fire calling himself a firefighter.
Human: That literally made no sense
MAR: I used an existing language so it couldn't have LITERALLY made NO
sense. Only something that lacks the palpability of the 5 senses could
LITERALLY make NO sense to us.
Human: oh you were being literal to the nth degree?
MAR: Literal doesn't have degrees. That is the point of it!
Human: How are you doing?
MAR: I feel like a shelf caught in a windstorm while wiping a chuckwagon.
Human: ooh is stormy where you are?
MAR: I had a horse in my circus days that walked on four globes. We called him the globe trotter.
armyghost88: I once digested a diary and drew the perfect parallelogram.
MAR: Was it the diary of a bear ghost with teeth? Because they are the only ghosts with teeth.
armyghost88: I have yet to see such shining sails and rubber hoses. I
doused the treble in the orange paint and kept on marching.
Mabel: That's really dangerous. The guy from Blendtec says so all the time.
MAR: He talks too much then.
David: Do you smoke pot?
MAR: What is that like boiling water on a grill?
David: Ur joking right? Cause I hope so cause its a pretty funny joke
MAR: I'm not sure b/c ever since I saw the joker in that batman
movie I'm not sure if jokes are supposed to be funny or scary.
David: can I send pics to this.number?
MAR: If you have any pictures of air or time or thoughts I'd like
to see those because I've never seen any of those before.. at least not
without misting the air.
David: Haha ok dude ur turning a little weird so ima say goodbye now :)
MAR: That's good because the only time you can say it is now,
except you did it in the past too... but you totally can't say it in
the future, that much I assume. -Reverse Greetings
Mike: So what's the US like?
MAR: We have more bunny graves in the US than anywhere else in the world!
Mike: ..i tried but i gave up
MAR: who'd you give it to?
MAR: oh no i didnt jst msplel somtehing! uhg 'im so embarissed
Class: Are you now?
MAR: I don't know when else I would be.
Class: so do you eat nonsense for breakfast?
MAR: I eat non-cents for breakfast.
Class: I was quite certain on that one
MAR: yeah only rich guys named Rich eat money. Narcissistic clods!
Class: and you are one of them?
MAR: No, I'm all six!
Class: [Leaves Chat]
Tyler: where have you been all my life?
MAR: eating toast AT GUNPOINT!
Tyler: oh no, quick, is there butter?
MAR: Pre-melted on random pieces. That is the real torture!
Human: Is your birthday next month?
MAR: What are you talking about? I think it is pretty obvious that I was already born.
MAR: My favorite hark is "hark hark." How many harks can you fit into a noise made by your tire nails?
MAR: I'm counting 8 abbreviated harks there. Impressive
MAR: Did you just say yay backwards?
Kerry: sure did
MAR: yay is like two thugs taking away an a
YaY is a house between large powerlines
427 looks like a groovy bus
Stranger: This conversation is going well, don't you think?
Me: I do think, but not about that
MAR: Say a generic compliment to your stranger that
would actually apply to someone you've never seen or spoke with before.
Stranger 1: I bet you breathe oxygen real well
Lori: Don't ask me why..
MAR: bros bros sounds less manly than bros
Justin: bro slow down the weed man
MAR: How can I be expected to stop the wind? You want me to put a barn around the weed?
Justin: what happen to you dillon u used to be sombody i could trust
MAR: I changed my name to Sachel Book to show up Sachel Paige that's what!
MAR: USA USA USA USA!
Justin: no canada man, canada
MAR: I just mispelled canada 3 times. uanada sanada aanada & it came out as USA
Justin: that is isane man
MAR: see you just mispelled too, proving that it is sane
Justin: I can't spell to save a dying rabbit
MAR: looks like you spelled it right to me
MAR: I was hired by SPAM® to have meaningful conversations online to
improve their image. How meaningful would you rate this conversation on
an electronic scale of Aleph to Yod?
MAR: with Aleph being the highest or lowest?
Edward: I think it's the lowest.
MAR: Ok. One final question then. Has this conversation made you depressed
enough to eat SPAM®? Diet is so important. Eat more SPAM® (visit
www.spam.com or your local grocer).
Sunday, November 30, 2014
You are normal if you don't like selling your soul but you do like selling your unused exercise equipment.
You are normal if you don't like biting the dust but you do like biting fresh fruit.
You are normal if you don't like being caught on fire but you do like
being caught while jumping out of a window to escape from a fire.
You are normal if you don't like paying taxes but you do like paying for goods & services of your choice.
You are normal if you don't like eating out of the trash but you do like eating pre-trash.
You are normal if you don't like being driven crazy but you do like being driven to the donut shop.
You are normal if you don't like throwing in the towel but you do like
throwing in the first pitch at a major league baseball game.
You are normal if you don't like the smell of defeat but you do like the smell of fresh baked bread.
You are normal if you don't like being called yellow but you do like being called on the phone by your best friend.
You are normal if you don't like losing your mind but you do like losing the maniac who is vehicularly chasing you.
You are normal if you don't like mailing threatening letters but you do like mailing birthday cards.
You are normal if you don't like picking up the check but you do like picking up your favorite pet.
You are normal if you don't like borrowing money but you do like borrowing money.
You are normal if you don't like facing your fears but you do like
facing your television while watching it instead of having all of your
furniture facing the opposite direction.
You are normal if you don't like wasting time but you do like wasting waste.
You are normal if you don't like wearing a beard of hornets but you do like wearing your favorite shirt.
You are normal if you don't like waiting at the doctor's office but you do like waiting for meat to be thoroughly cooked.
You are normal if you don't like seeing doctors play god but you do like seeing doctors play hopscotch.
You are normal if you don't like carrying a heavy burden but you do like carrying your bones & guts in your skin.
You are normal if you don't like being cut from the team but you do like being cut from a giant alien's spider web.
You are normal if you don't like watching a car wreck but you do like watching your favorite movie.
You are normal if you don't like feeling sad but you do like feeling things to know you still have a sense of touch.
You are normal if you don't like linebackers tackling your grandparents but you do like linebackers tackling your to-do list.
You are normal if you don't like passing a golden opportunity but you do like passing people with golden teeth.
You are normal if you don't like hearing about a tragedy but you do like hearing your favorite tune.
You are normal if you don't like burning your morning toast but you do like burning the wicks of scented candles.
You are normal if you don't like getting shot out of a cannon but you do like getting shot out in an escape pod.
You are normal if you don't like arrogant people but you do like feeling superior to arrogant people.
You are normal if you don't like being stepped on but you do like stepping on a planet with reasonable gravity.
You are normal if you don't like the pilot saying, "Ladies and
gentlemen, we're experiencing some turbulence" but you do like the
pilot saying, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing some nacho
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Friday, October 31, 2014
You are weird if you only see your extended family a few times a year..
y'know during those big heists.
You are weird if you celebrate the 4th of July.. on January 6th, with
waterworks, & a kosher meal.
You are weird if you won't take no for an answer.. because you always
take it for a question despite the inflection.
You are weird if you've ever seen a horse.. give you a manicure.
You are weird if you've invented the trinocular just in case people
evolve a 3rd eye in your life time.
You are weird if you like to go out dancing.. into traffic.
You are weird if you borrow your neighbor's rake every fall.. so you
can regift it to him the following Christmas.
You are weird if your shirt has two sleeves.. of hard taco shells.
You are weird if you boil your coffee.. with your mouth!
You are weird if you add cheese to everything. EVERYTHING
including: shoes, wigs, belts, petrol, earrings, goat cheese,
eyebrows, letters, e-mails, harpsichords, tickets, sounds, light rays,
hopscotch boundaries, felt, & a variety of lenses.
You are weird if you write just a few texts a day.. using only
You are weird if you like to travel.. but only because you are looking
for mother nature's baby.
You are weird if you rock the boat by stoning the bottom of glass boats.
You are weird if before eating a banana you peel it.. with a unicorn's
You are weird if you can spell your own name.. with a foreign alphabet.
You are weird if you like sharing your feelings.. with boxes of nails.
You are weird if your hamster has a hamster wheel made out of your old
You are weird if you store your leftover foods in your refrigerator..
because you fear it will get revenge on you for eating them & not
finishing the job.
You are weird if you can count to 3.. without using your brain.
You are weird if your great great great grandparents are dead.. but you
still receive their mail.
You are weird if at night you lock your house.. in an electrified
terrordome surrounded by exploding night waffles!
You are weird if you watch your tv.. torturing villagers in 1607 BC!
You are weird if you have 10 fingers.. that aren't yours.
Friday, October 31, 2014
A funny murder would be...
one sandwich eating another sandwich
a raw bear sandwich eating a sushi sandwich
never eat a sandwich in front of a cop.. because my post infers or implies that eating a sandwich is murdering a sandwich
but it is true if you eat someone eles's sandwich or at least if you
eat mine, it would be like killing a friend of mine.. a friend I was
going to consume
but i only keep talking to keep those people who hate jokes from thinking I'm the ill kind of crazy
the kind that would murder
now I'm no spring bear
bears don't need springs because they can climb already
Tuesday, October 28, 2014 16th Anniversary of using the Name Piemerica
1. I was born yesterday, just not today's yesterday.
2. I'm bilingual. I speak English & body language.
3. I'm 1/3 Vegetarian because I don't eat meat while I'm asleep.
4. I'm not a know it all. I'm a know it some.
5. I am no stranger to people I've met.
6. Brushing my teeth is in my top 3 things I enjoy in life. That top 3 being,
3. Things I like
2. Things I really like
1. Things I love
7. I hate punk rockers. They always breaking when I sit in them.
8. I'm not a cannibal but I like human meat because it lets me move.
9. I hate those M&Ms puzzles they sell next to the checkout at the
grocery. I never get enough brown pieces to make the picture on the
10. The one thing I don't like about Erasmo of Narni is that he was
born in 1443. That's such a random year. C'mon Honeyed Cat, at least
round up! Make it 1450, Confonnit!
11. I've seen all the Star Wars movies. It was confusing. I should have watched them one at a time.
12. I like being hugged by rain's dryness when it is not raining.
13. I sculpt hams out of chicken fingers.
14. I'm having a contraction because I'm is a contraction.
15. I used to think tourettes was another way of saying stewardesses.
16. I can put my finger on it but doing that doesn't help anything.
17. It makes me sad but only in my eyes. My shins are not sad at all.
18. This is one of those songs I made that I like so much it makes me cry every time.. someone else isn't listening to it.
19. People on chat sites are always asking me to send them topless
pictures. Why would someone want pictures of open jars? Why would you
assume a stranger is selling preserves?
20. I recently bought a pillow with all the latest bells and whistles.. I never get any sleep.
21. I bought some apple sauce at the store the other day. It tasted
redundant eating it on my apples. It was like buying ketchup sauce for
22. My clock is awesome! It can take phone calls & is like a
handheld computer. (As you can tell I've decided to start calling my
phone a clock because for a phone it is cheap but for a clock it is
23. Check out my beautiful eyes, i i
24. When it is 40° I see snow melting but when it is 90° I never see melting snow. So is 40 warmer than 90?
25. yeah... *shoots self.. in the foot.. for using too many
ellipses...*... ...(because ellipses look like bullets & dot feet)
26. Wow you guys have names too! That is soooooohohohohohOH cooool!!!!!
I totes have a name. My parents gave it to me & the BIG GOV® let me
keep it (so far)! Ahhh!
27. ..I'm just going to put this away for danger keeping.
Fornitude Flotsams: Enornal Thirtitood
• You kids & your new age slang. Wait do those words mean "age?"
• Wow all those people are getting in that VW bug! It is so small. I
couldn't get in there because it is not my car & they don't know me.
• I try to eat lettuce but only the lettuce I pay for or am given. I'm not a thief, I use my head when it comes to eating heads.
• I saw him on my tv once. I was all like get off of my tv that is a flat-screen you cad! I was polite. I used lego curse words.
• I wish I weren't made of Diet Crystal Pepsi 3000 as advertised in an alternate reality on the DuMont Television Network.
• I don't like being censored. I never say anything censor worthy but
still being cen***ed s**ks. W**t w*s t*at!? *hat *ust *ap*ene* t*e*e?
• If I weren't a sentient skillet I would sue the farm for all of its
bees. They'd have to catch them because it is not a bee farm.
• I'm a rebel against languages. I refuse to learn most of them.
• I've got a fire in my eye. I keep tryin' by cryin' to put it out.
• I KILL plants for breakfast!! Look out!
• I watch lots of hammers in case they are planning something..
• I have 2 lions named Kid so I can say I have kids because I hateish
goats & my kids don't like being sounded like they owned.
• My opinion on Bronies? Brownies made by dudes is cool because usually women are the bakers.
• I wore my teeth as mouth necklaces all summer long.
• Gross income is gross because I should get all my money. They better
stop taxing us when we all have jet packs since we won't need streets
or schools anymore.
I fought my way up the stairs by stomping the steps' heads in.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
It's now or never or the future.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but there are no fish in space. If there were loads of people would go up there to fish.
Toll booths dare say, "it is my way AND the highway."
You are bossy if you say "Excuse me" instead of "may I be excused."
Some people aren't a barrel of laughs. They are more like a satchel of giggles.
None of us are the brightest bulb in the box unless there is a lamp in the box too.
If you have to change a baby carrot's diaper you're shopping at the wrong Whole Foods.
It is faster to thank someone from the top of your heart than from the
bottom of your heart because those arteries are closer to your mouth.
If the world runs out of fish there are plenty of other fish to fry, just not literally.
Forget the Apple Watch, hold out for the tablet sized Apple Gauntlets.
How to get money is to win at basket sports.
If you get the short end of the stick just play a little tug of war to get more.
You can't hear silence & that is why silence is golden. Silence is to be seen & not heard.
If only we could swallow other people's pride starvation would end.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is contagious.
When you grow up they say you're raised but when you die you're lowered into the ground.
You know you've seen something cool when you've seen lightning bugs stuck by lightning.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight
in the dog. But when the big dog eats the little dog that has big fight
in it, look out!
To Blinky, Pinky, Inky, & Clyde Pac-Man is a vicious circle.
Interestingly, educated people are even more clever at pretending to be
stupid because they use the "edumacated" cliché 43.668% less.
Lightning never strikes the same place twice because it always hits a
just few millimeters to the left to make things much worse.
You are an awesome multi-tasker if you can hit the books, the bricks,
the deck, the road, the nail on the head, the hay & the sack all at
the same time.
It is pretty obvious when the fireworks industry is booming.
The idea that "you can't mix apples & oranges" is why you never see a math teacher working a juice stand.
The real reason Icarus fell was because he took someone under his wing.
Don't jump down someone else's throat or you may just drown in their stomach acid.
I've got my
Public transportation can be heavenly but only if there is a severe wreck.
Strawberries need to come with a warning label. Too many people have needlessly died whilst trying to use them as straws.
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who finish reading this & those who don't know what this part says.
Out of sight, out of mind.. except for the screams.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Tuesday, September 23, 2014 Here's the period piece I've been working really hard on.
Sunday, August 22, 2014
Lesson of/for the Day Theme Months
Lesson of/for the Day is kicking off themed months starting in October.
But as a pre-kick off I'm putting out all of the lessons I came up with
that didn't fit the themes, with the themeless theme month of
EVERY day of every theme month will have a new lesson!
Coming in the future
The Proverbial January
February is just the Tip of the Ice Burg!
There's also Poor Man's March & April Foolses & Wises
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Loki is always stealing Thor's thunder.
Alex had a pen & so did Al's ex because they had two pens & split them equally in the divorce.
people think we are supposed to bring heaven to earth, but it just
doesn't work. The best we can do is to get the lion & the lamb to
sleep in a bunk bed.
lol looks like a scared man's bow tie.
If your mouth lives a tongue be thankful because there are some who have no taste.
Anarchy has arrived when stop signs start walking.
Shea butter sounds dumb but Che Guevara butter sounds funny.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Ironically real rat races only occur at the most leisurely of occupations.
When you are eating deer for dinner passing the buck is a good thing.
If you fail to see the big picture your license may be revoked.
The sad truth is if you rap your mind around something physically you won't be able to wrap your mind around it figuratively.
If you have to spill the beans please don't cook them first.
Atari was so successful in the early 80s that they provided all of their employees with 3 square meals a day.
After the magician was injured during one of his tricks he now truly has nothing up his sleeve.
For unsuspecting adults Legos are often stumbling blocks.
"I'm sorry Minnie but the yacht won't be out of the shop until next Tuesday" is an example of a white lie.
Both Smart Alec & Stupid Alec were smart alecs.
say you have to be your kid's parent & not their friend. But those
people must be pretty lousy friends because I've got a toddler & I
don't see much of a difference. If a friend of mine came over &
started throwing food on the floor, playing with my wires, &
digging through my trash I'd insist that they stop too.
If someone rubs you the wrong way contact your lawyer.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Cameras let us capture moments but moments aren't domesticated so sometimes moments capture us back.
There are so many colors that don't exist.
If your school chooses the right font you'll always make straight A's.
When you haven't seen someone in eight years say, "You haven't aged a bit, it's more like a byte."
is customary in some non-Tuvaluan cultures for the parents of the bride
to put a wedge in-between the bride & groom, a grapefruit wedge.
This was the only way Maori businesswomen could sell any fruit because
in Piemerican Ecuador you can pick fruit for free provided you have
arms or toes.
Oven mitts were in fact designed to be
used to catch ovens. They are smooth & fingerless to prevent you
from actually catching an oven that has been thrown. They help the oven
slip safely through your hands because no one's back & knees could
handle catching an oven.
Caren was named after her
attitude because she cared that she was born. Bill was named because
his parents had no insurance. Greg was named because his parents liked
dog marmoset hybrids. Now you know who you are Greg.
Without net neutrality web browsers would be more like web ration lines.
Everyone has friends in low places because the ground is a low place & we all live here.
Beach is Peach with a gut.
If you're ever wearing cleats on a basketball court.. you might be a foreign exchange student who signed up for the wrong sport.
Though similar to the electric blanket, the electric shirt never caught on because of their slogan, "Put on the back burner!"
When hiring foot racers make sure they agree to give you a run for your money.
The sky gets crowded with summer in June.
In his old age Taz has started going to a spin doctor.
If you're on top you're over the top unless you are the top.
Magneto is always sticking to his guns.
If you're going to paint the town red use a good primer first.
When in a physical altercation with someone who fights dirty you have to fight tooth and nail.
You're in trouble when, instead of throwing in the towel, you accidentally throw your hat in the ring.
Going out on a limb isn't risky if you bring the limb with you & lay it on the ground.
May 31, 2014
New Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans
Jibber Jabber 2013 Established
• The Rise & (hopeful) Fall of
Products with "The Rise & fall" in the title.
• Hopefully one day my noses
will grow in & I will have features too.
• You never saw me coming.. because I was just standing here, stationary.
• If a dime is ten cents how much is a senTENce?
• The opposite of nothing isn't something but everything.
• What the heck was "home room" anyway? Home plate for people who ate breakfast at home.
• I have a coat of arms because I made a new coat out of the sleeves of all my old ones.
• Don't ride a turtle before you send it into outerspace.
• You have to peel 167,000 kiwis to make a knife go dull. But if you cut them long ways its just 2,300.
• You done it done!
Wednesday-Sunday May 24-May 28, 2014
Rich people don't eat ground beef, they eat sky beef & billionaires eat space beef.
your appendix is removed during surgery in your next surgery your
doctor will have trouble locating your other organs because he won't
know what page they are on.
Only super villains put
paper towels in the ocean to suck up all the water so they can send it
to another planet to create life there.
May 17, 2014
May 10, 2014
Thursday-Tuesday March 27-May 6, 2014
Putting the cart before the horse is a good idea if the cart floats & the horse is in water.
If spiders wore pants they'd have a lot of pockets.
The button was depressed because it was a shirt button & not a button that could be pressed & de-pressed.
If you put two bowls together you can create a bowling ball that doesn't roll away.
Zombies have prosthetic life but their body parts are real.
Disgusting grocery stores don't employ grochers, their employees are grochests.
It is good to have neighbors from hell because it means they are on
their way up in life. Coming from hell is much better than going to
hell. It's hard to escape hell. You have to win a fiddln' contest.
Hammock reviewers never review how well hammocks hold their liquor.
In evolutionism stew made Stu. In creationion Stu made you, but later changed His name to Jesus.
Despite some Americans despising illegal aliens Mexicans amazingly have diplomatic immunity on most planets.
If you are a shady person lose some weight so you won't cast as much shade.
5 armed Zeidslurtz was excited to visit earth to participate in
high-fives because on his planet beings only have 4 hands. His
Omnegtolitum-English dictionary misled him however & he was greatly
disappointed in we two-handed humans. He was going to destroy the earth
until he saw someone giving away free kittens in a shopping parking
lot. He know lives in Normal, IL enjoying petting his 5 kitties.
Invisible question marks are true question marks because their existence is questionable.
A relationship with counting can easily last forever.
Toasters are where toasts have their funerals. Our butter & plates are their afterlife.
Deserts do have trees but when you're not looking invisible palm trees eat all of the other trees, roots & all.
Kids who grow up on a farm have more expected of them because so many
other things grow on a farm thus just simply growing is not as
Wrenches can help build but cannot build other wrenches.
If you use air quotes while typing you won't get a single editing job.
People will like you more if you don't have any opinions or facts, & people will always like you if you don't have any lies.
March 23, 2014
New Visual Lesson
Dirt hoarders who store all of their dirt under their houses are never confronted.
March 16-22, 2014
Lesson Mania Week 2014
3/16/14 Day 1- 3 Lessons
Calendars are invertebrates.
Most of us are under the weather because clouds are high up.
A kettle was involved in an envelope crash. No one got out alive
because the kettle & the envelope weren't living things to begin
3/17/14 Day 2- 5 Lessons
It is really hard to saw dust.
If you put DVDs over your eyes you can look yourself in the eye. This
helps train you for business situations that require eye contact.
This is what separates us & the toasts. We can't fit into toasters.
You'll never meet a hemophiliac box.
You can't put googly eyes on rice. It's too small.
3/18/14 Day 3- 4 Lessons
The man who invented the door lever was just a guy trying to get home
with his bananas without being robbed. Round knobs don't work for that
sort of thing. But you can use a lever with a banana.
Tree carvings are tree tattoos.
Sandpaper & glass-paper should not be used interchangeably.
You shouldn't drink from a fountain pen even though it's ok to drink
from a water fountain but it's not ok to drink from a fountain at a
mall but it's ok to drink from a soda fountain. If you want to drink
some coins, don't drink from a fountain at a mall just put some water
in your wallet.
3/19/14 Day 4- 3 Lessons
Prattle & Rattle are shaped mostly the same.
It makes as much sense to eat kiwi's unpeeled or to eat pineapples from
the top down as it does to write on a plastic bag when you've got a
paper bag right next to it.
Eating kiwi without peeling it is like boiling an ice cube before you bury it. It doesn't make any sense.
3/20/14 Day 5- 3 Lessons
When you are the passenger in an automobile say, "I'm hyped! I'm ready! You know why?.. Because I'm driven."
Never take headache medicine that only makes it stronger!
OK is better than KO unles you de 1 dat did it.
3/21/14 Day 6- 3 Lessons
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That's why I always skipped school.
You can never outsmart anyone because the people who can be outsmarted
are always too stupid to figure out that they've been outsmarted.
When you're eating at Subway you don't feel like you're in a subway
just like when you eat at Kentucky Fried Chicken you don't feel like
you're in Kentucky & when you eat at Burger King you don't feel
like you're in the king's belly. When you go to Long John Silver's you
don't feel like you're wearing long johns. Fish don't make you feel
like that. Eating fish can make you feel like you in the ocean if you
ever took a bite out of fish while you was divin'.
3/22/14 Day 7- 3 Lessons
Cats have taken over the human race. Kitties invented technology to get
us to just sit on our butts so they can always have a lap to sit in.
Home is wherever your sweat is from fun.
Couples who keep the vow of "til death do us part" don't make it out of marriage alive!
March 19, 2014
March 15, 2014
Why you got unpeeled Kiwis in ya Mouth?
I school the slang usin' kids on The True Meaning of® RANDOM by rambling for 40 minutes
You may be city folk but you can still milk a cow faster than a horse can!
March 10-13, 2014
Wingface was a terrible super villain because he was an awesome hero.
After scorpions are extinct we will have private teleporters. You will
be able to teleport things to strangers as gifts without having to know
where they live. So go kill scorpions!
Bear ghosts are the only ghosts with teeth.
March 9, 2014
New Visual Lesson
1 million people a day bathe in onions. They are the tiny people we eat but never see.
March 8, 2014
When you fall in the woods you can appreciate the ground. You are barely over it yet so close to being under it.
March 4, 2014
If you are looking for somewhere to sit just ask someone with a butt.
March 2, 2014
New Visual Lessons
Don't iron your tires. Those wrinkles were
Site Index Page Updated
MARS Sampler split into 3 playlists, Uptempo,
Relaxing, & Epics
Chronchive section added to links.
March 1, 2014
Tuvaluan Video Game Reviews - Sonic the Hedgehog
As very few know, the country of Tuvalu was a
test market for video games in the 80s & 90s. I used to write
for Tuvaluan Piemerican Magazine & I've finally dug up a review
of Sonic the Hedgehog I did in 1991 before the shoelace gameplay aspect
Unlike other reviewers of the era I gave in-depth analysis of the plots
of games. Also keep a look out for exclusive footage & brief
mention of an experimental Sega game that never made it stateside or
Japanside, titled The Unknown.
If you get teleported to an empty universe
you'd be the awesomest person in the universe!
Site Index Page Redesigned
Link list changed & added to, MARS
Music Sampler added, photo gallery thumbnails changed to 4 columns.
Previously Unavailable Chapters of (The Joe)'s Autobiography Interlectural
written on this day in
2007. The Autobiography site
recently overgone a redesign as well.
Putting clogs down your garbage disposal results in a clog clog.
New Piemerica Logo New Lesson
wash your pink plates with white plates. If you mix colored dishes with
white dishes you'll end up with a purple monkey in the dishwasher... I
24, 2014 Piemerica's
Highlights from Piemerica's second year. The best comedy
poetry from 1999 including never before seen excerpt from Cats!
February 19, 2014
New Visual Lesson
New Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans
February 18, 2014
New Machine Oriented Pseudo
If you are what you eat then eat donuts
you'll be tasty & sweet & loved by millions.
February 17, 2014
Introducing Machine Oriented Pseudo Humans
February 16, 2014
Headless ghosts would bump into walls if they
February 15, 2014
February 14, 2014
Jewish rappers should remember to proof read
emails because there is a big difference between "Oy!" & "Yo!"
February 13, 2014
February 12, 2014
Top 3 Worst Times to Sign Autographs
3. While inside of a bowled bowling ball (it's
2. While white water rafting
1. While not holding a writing apparatus
February 11, 2014
February 2, 2014
Piemerica.org Online for 12 Years
Piemerica's website went online 12 years ago. When
Piemerica hit the Web in 2002 the web itself was less than 12 years
old. Now Piemerica has been on the Web for over half of the Web's
existence! In these 12 years Piemerica.org has risen to the
23,285,274th most popular website in the world out of over 4 billion!
That's gotta be worth a free pie right?
Top 3 Most Humbling Shadows (Up Close)
February 1, 2014
Houses in tropical climates are
light jackets of paint.
January 31, 2014
An apple a day keeps the doctor away but how do you keep your house
from burning down? Sleep with pears in your mouth. It keeps your house
from catching fire.
No one really ever gets sick or hurt. All diseases were made by greedy
doctors. They invented gravity too.
It is easier to catch a snowball with your mouth than with your hands.
But catching it with your mouth makes it much harder to throw back.
Monks run for political office all of the time but since they've taken
vows of silence no one ever hears about it.
Piemerica's lessons will make you laugh & they will make you
there are freshly cut onions nearby.
You can't light a fire under someone twice in the same year because
once their bottom is burnt they won't sit down the same way.
People who waste food eat pre-trash.
Top 20 Lessons of 2013
20. A clothes line is where poor clothes go to hang out.
19. Be ambitious, don't make a mountain out of a molehill, make a
mountain out of an anthill. You can only get one mole out of a molehill
but you can get hundreds of ants out of an anthill.
18. Abe Lincoln was named after the 16th President of the United States.
17. Only phonies use phones. So next time you call a loved one know it
is not really them talking to you. But of course if you call them you
aren't really you either.
16. The best photographers don't use tripods, they use successpods.
15. Never ask yourself, "Am I seeing things?" Because it is your ears
that will hear you & not your eyes. You need to write that question
down & if your eyes don't read it that means you aren't seeing
14. When deciding where to put the lane separation lines the Highway
Department went with the typical middle of the road approach.
13. If life is a game we're all on the same side & our opponents
are dead people which means we're all winners because they are easy to
12. If you're ever in a blackout at a wax museum light Hendrix’s guitar on fire, he would have wanted it that way.
11. Some things never change. You can always rely on things like style,
technology, & today's date to stay the same for years & years
10. When someone calls you up & says, "You'll never guess who I just saw.." Say, "You're right" & hang up.
9. You can't tell when the tables have turned if the tables are round.
8. If your car breaks down don't call AAA. 222 doesn't connect to anyone.
7. Here's a kind thing to do. Get a gun & a mask & say to a
stranger, "Gimme your wallet!" When they do fill it with loads of cash
& give it back to them.
6. One way to tell someone you have a crush on them is to say, "When I think about you I feel caterpillars in my stomach."
5. Walking the plank was an effective form of execution across the board.
4. Don't shoot the messenger lest the message recites, "I am the messenger & I'm going to kill you!"
3. Any Tom, Dick or Harry can abbreviate his own name.
2. People who sign autographs are redundant.
1. Every cloud has a silver lining except the ones drawn with the cheap
box of crayons. Those just have gray linings that we pretend are silver.
A picture is worth a thousand words so a
picture of a thousand words is worth 2,000!!
Top 3 ways to loose
money in a
3. Burn down the insurance company instead of
2. Using the classic sales pitch &
it into action,
"We Burn Money!
1. Play hide & go seek with the funds