Tuesday, July 11, 2017
believe that your lucky numbers are unlucky. The only unlucky numbers
are undee, terg, triff, faagool, jfiv, skix, spleven, estorch, ninook,
& zercatch. They're unlucky because they didn't make the cut as
numbers, despite their being infinite numbers!
SUPPOSEDLY UNLUCKY NUMBERS
— The number 13 being unlucky was contrived by cowards to scare
children & make themselves feel big. The height of 13 paranoia
in the 1970s when calculators were introduced. The original run of
calculators by Texas Instruments didn't have 1s or 3s because they
didn't want anyone to do math with unlucky 13. They were afraid if they
did it would collapse the consistency of mathematics itself &
all row boats with goo. Unluckily, the mathematical formula that
disproved the theory had the number 13 in it.
— This number is fabled to be unlucky as perpetuated by ageists
thermodynamics. But 40 is the new 20! And 20 is never unlucky unless
you're playing blackjack & accidentally say, "Hit me."
The Loneliest Number — Scientists have determined that the
loneliest number is actually 19. Because when you're at a party with 19
people & have no one to pair off with & talk to you're
lonelier than when you're by yourself. However 19 is not an unlucky
number because it is awesome to be 19 years old & to have 19
Lottery Number) —
your number suffers from conditional luckiness. Use it for something
other than the lottery & see good fortune fly your way.
THE FUTURE OF UNLUCKY NUMBERS
Mathimagicians predict that
the number 52 will become unlucky in 2019. And if you're reading this
in 2019, for corndog sakes please update this article & tell us
it was true!
Friday, June 30, 2017
Soon June III Lessons🎓
Soon ovens will prank us by screaming, "Ow!
That's hot! Get me out of here! I'm trapped! Help!!"
Soon all newspapers will be oldspapers.
Soon all hoaxes will be revealed as truth and all truth as hoax,
including that last thing.
Soon jellyfish will finally accept a sponsorship from Jello® &
be called Jellofish®.
tacos will come out of their shells when the earth's axis tilts
further. Yeah yeah seasons would get messed up too, but our taco meat!
Soon broken elevators will have spiral escalators placed in their
apes will fully evolve into humans & the only way to tell us
the genetically identical race of new humans apart is that they will
continue to refuse to wear clothes.
Soon mops will vacation in chicken buckets.
drones will deliver all mail, even email. It will be so financially
wasteful that poor people will become furious & conquer the
Soon ghosts will throw awesome parties for themselves called FUNerals.
Soon trapezists will juggle flapjacks in mid-air & even more
impressively juggle loose syrup.
Soon hashtagging will be called pounding.
Soon wills will become so powerful that you can legally leave things
you don't own to people. The result, genocide.
dancing will be outlawed & Prancing will be inlawed after his
sister finally gets married. Also prancing will become the mandatory
form of perambulation.
Soon an amazing caveman artist will
travel to the present & say, "What? My work didn't survive?
because I painted on the rocks outside the cave!?"
Soon many heptagons will announce that they are transshape making the
jobs of triangle realtors nearly impossible.
everyone will forget to wear green on St. Patrick's Day & all
that pinching will start World War III, which won't be nation against
nation, but every man for himself in a world wide battle royale.
Soon aliens will come to earth.. to take our best parking spaces,
& for absolutely no other reason.
rich business guys will use their understudies for power point
presentations. Because they don't know the material well, in place of
laser pointers, they will use broader pointing objects like spot lights
& red dwarf stars.
Soon the government will make speedometers embellish so more of us will
unknowingly drive the speed limit.
Soon the world will become less peaceful when, in addition to squirt
pistols, children begin to operate water tanks.
pen is no longer mightier than the sword because you can type with a
sword. And if you don't feel like typing you can hold someone at sword
point & get them to type for you or even write something with a
Soon everyone will let their hair down by getting stupid trendy hairdos
that people will laugh at for decades.
life will really begin at 40 when babies choose to unnecessarily
gestate for 40 extra years. So hurry up & have your kids now.
everybody will be like two peas in a pod as we are all forced, two by
two, into living in pods together, pea pods in fact, because we'll also
be shrunken, to pea size, & it will be really confusing to know
much toothpaste to use.
Soon crossing your fingers will be the only way left to pantomime hope
because there won't be any wood left to knock on.
Soon people who say, "My bad" will say "My good" when accidentally
doing something good.
we'll all be on Easy Street after all streets are renamed Easy Street
making things much harder. GPS, "Turn left on Easy Street, no not that
one, the other one. Ugh, that's it, I don't need this. My husband is a
satellite. I quit."
Soon love will spread the world over like never before.. when cupid
upgrades to a machine gun. #ThanksGunLobby
Soon people will no longer seek to escape reality, because there will
be no reality.
June Selfesque Sundays📣
My height is 5'28. 5 foot 28 centimeters.
The word conscientious needs to be extradited from the English language
for being too hard to spell, & so does extradited.
once tried to use swype to type conscientious on my phone. The word is
13 letters long! And the result my phone gave me was just the word
"No." It was like, "No, No" not even I'm going to try to spell that
monstrosity of a word. And while we're at it let us pause &
thanks that it is easy to spell monstrosity.
I hate when I don't remember a memory enough to keep it a rememory so
it becomes a dismemory.
I'm not gonna be victimized by the culture by assimilating into the
slang-o-sphere. Nuh uh!
June Tuesday Thanks🙏
Thank you windshield for protecting me from
Thank you corn dogs for not having corny jokes on your packaging, less
competition for me.
Thank you balls for always being round.
Thank you bears for keeping your hands to yourself.
June Weigh It Wednesdays💪
Your toaster is unplugged.
Optimistic View: Toaster cords are always short so it will be
easy for me to find the outlet!
View: My wife left me because she thought I didn't pay the
electric bill & I JUST NOW discovered this after the divorce
finalized! If only I had loved her more! If only I had loved toast more!
June Think About it Thursdays👆
Why do people want someone to RIP so badly
after they die? Is it autopsy slang?
Why do we have to call it a belly button? It's the only button on the
Why stop at chocolate fountains? Chocolate fire-hoses can turn anything
June Friday's Feelings💕
I feel like a brick wishing it could speak.
I feel like a blank price tag should work the same way as a blank check.
I feel like a marble in a tiny fur coat.
I feel like a giraffe trying to dive into a swimming pool.
I feel that hats without bills should be free.
Sunday, June 25, 2017
June R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃
1. Leave gold bars in mailboxes with
instructions on how to mold the gold into a golden mail box.
2. Call your hats by their first name.
3. Leave life vests at wishing fountains.
4. Paint the eggs at the local grocery store.
5. Compliment a cook on their chopping skills.
6. Discard your old beanbag chairs at the bottom of the bridge or cliff
that has the highest suicide rate.
7. Give roadkill a proper funeral, in the woods, with no humans around,
inviting only scavengers.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Do you hate it when musicians play by ear?
☑ Of course, that's too loud! Back up, get out of my bubble!
☒ If it's a drummer I'll stop my horse & listen for a bit.
❑ I hate music in general that's why my flamethrower auto-activates
upon detecting monophony.
Friday, June 16, 2017
This Just in.. June📦
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
If your mind is blown get your skull checked.
If your fan becomes famous you can become its fan.
If someone calls you from "private" call them back at 774-8283.
If you're ever stuck on a hill it probably isn't on the way down.
If your coats fall off your coat rack it is because they are escaping
to kneel down & worship their god Coatacopia.
Sorry is safe if you need to apologize.
If you wear your hat to bed you can get an incidental feather in your
If you wouldn't touch your dinner with a 10 foot pole that's good
because long poles are riddled with germites.
Medically speaking if you're as cool as a cucumber, you're in a pickle.
If you practice your wolf-whistling in public no one will interpret it
If your armchair was made in America it has a free loaded gun hidden
If you ever get stuck in a "welll..." pour some motor oil in your mouth.
If someone hits you with a mug it would be a mug shot & they
would have to get a mugshot if you press charges.
If you win the lottery buy a million people lottery tickets &
hope the winner of the next lottery shares the money with you.
If you're ever lynched leave em laughing by saying, "The suspense is
you walk into a store make sure to have a gift-bag of shirt &
to give to the proprietor or you may be refused service.
If you hope to someday be famous for the whiteness of your skeleton
that fame is better had after death.
If you think a bullet proof vest is a vest with extra pockets on the
inside to keep your ammo receipts don't be gettin' shot.
If elephants ever disguise themselves as meteors it is because they
love sleeping in craters.
If you want to know if a fountain will grant your wishes, make your
first wish for your penny to float after you throw it in.
If a man finds a line he will cross it, unless he's writing an I or a l.
If your favorite color is bluegreen you like green to be sad. That's
mean. Change your favorite color, whatarya yella?
you walk into any other room than a bathroom & start unzipping
pants there better be someone who loves you in there or you're in
If someone asks you if you're superstitious say, "I'm afraid not."
If you want to buy a cactus to throw at hot air balloons &
blimps don't use your shorts as a shopping bag.
you use a zipper to cut hard boiled eggs make sure you aren't wearing
the pants at the time. I said make sure! Double check! I won't have
this happen again!
If your boss is a bee don't kiss his butt.
you have a phobia of crows throw a never ending local production of The
Wizard of Oz so you can dress like a scarecrow all the time.
a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.. if he's not very hungry.
I mean this is America he's gonna need another fish!
you see road signs with bullet holes in them is because some people
love shooting arrows. If you do it with a bow you can shoot an arrow².
If someone drops sprinkles at their party instead of balloons, they're
going to eat you.
time to reveal
your secret that you still wet the bed so
people will have a little
sympathy for you & your smell.
releases from local news organizations. They've
been following your
chicken drowning & you'll want to have your face blurred on tv
vegan significant other doesn't break up with you.
you knock down
your record 10,000th building celebrate
watching your step. There
are a lot
of ambulances down there.
will appear in your bedroom & flag you for illegal blanket
cancer & by that we mean you're going to change your birth date
a Cancer. Congratulations on becoming transzodiac.
to Neverland & weep about all his distant cousin trees that you
make your treehouses.
your bushes with a camera taking pictures of.. nightcrawlers.
forward to something that you won't get. Also you'll win a million
(& not sand dollars this time).
out that your loving former owner wasn't dead & was just
pretending to be a
ghost to get rid of you.
promotion & so is every other Scorpio in your building. The
will be tough but the formula of luck + leadership - lethargy x lung
leechings³ will make you rise to the top as The Scorpio King.
movie you made
in your basement with your cat will be beaten at the box office by
Homecoming. But the fact that you got that thing into 400 theatres is
testament to your.. father's bank account size.
sit on your tailgate unless they bring a cooler of free drinks. And
imagining driving off that cliff. The guardrail would stop you so you'd
all the pain & none of the thrill.
give up on
your primary goal of breaking the world record for unassisted sleeping.
love is just around the coroner. Volunteer as an autopsy assistant
you see how gently the coroner handles hearts you'll be wishing you
while never having felt so alive.
fun to be around. Don't lose your cool or you'll find yourself in the
W shaped letter
will find its way into your last name. Don't worry, it's just a typo,
any lawyers involved.
is a great day
to stay in bed under 40 lead blankets to breed empathy for patients
hospitals that still use medieval metallic sheets.
get angry at
people who wear shirts with your name on them who've never known you.
like how your name looks & they love referencing for the sake
referencing so much that to them the Bibliography is the most exciting
is the time to
get into identity theft. Stealing the identity of a waiter is best. All
have to do is wear the right outfit in the right place & people
hand you their money & credit cards.
getting wasted are getting wasted at your sobercentric occupation. Quit
job or better yet go in drunk. Start the party early.
deal from Coca-Cola. They have Santa! You can meet Santa! He'll love
reindeer cosplay! We promise. & Watch out for CGI bears!
you travel abroad
be on the lookout for a potential mate. The language barrier improves
relationships because you get to play charades together like all the
your best foot
forward, in a kicking motion, because kicking makes you feel cool.
never be the
most famous Lionel, unless you're Lionel Richie. Hey wait you ARE
Richie! WOW! We LOVE you! Could you sign our horoscope?
your bushes with a camera taking pictures of.. nightcrawlers.
forward to something that you won't get. Also you'll win a million
(& not sand dollars this time).
When you pawn your
Sword of Protection make sure to pick an upstanding pawn shoppe based
on it's Yelp reviews.
time to forgive yourself for drowning that family of wasps with a
tartar sauce hose. Take a tour of Seattle's best basements to calm your
position of the asteroid belt will affect your bowels. Loosen your own
belt, or if you are not wearing a belt, retie the extension cord that
is hold up your pantaloons.
porkchopsticks to devour your athletic rice bowls. Soon you will be
able to have a match against a VW Bug. Make sure to throw the fight so
VW pays you well.
you will face an inconvenience regarding health or finance or
relationships or the moistness of a hand-towel. Hang in there &
diligent to keep your cool & not freak out & stab out
of the neighbor kid's bike. His parents won't have the money to replace
those tires for weeks. There's no use in stabbing a flat tire.
rhythms of Jupiter's beat-boxing will disrupt your test run of picnic
brunch at the lake. Try again next week as Jupiter will be into
classical Spanish guitar by then. It's accompaniment will heartfeltly
make your six kinds of melon balls taste sweeter than honey slathered
on a sunbeam.
12 possum stew will receive accolades (yee-haws) at your cousin's dog's
funeral. Don't get a big head about it because the only way to combat
the tooth rotting result of using Fruit Gushers instead of beans in the
stew is to have your ma brush yer teeth with a hammer.
new coworkers will finally stop making fun of you for showing up
shirtless in trunks with a towel to your first carpool after you shame
them for expecting you to sport gender normative beachwear like the
rest of them.
tawdry love story about a sentient pizza, "Nothin' Says Lovin' Like
Somethin' from the Oven" will be rejected for the 346th time. Resist
the urge to shop your manuscript around Germany because doing so will
get you killed & even worse plagiarized.
realization that the tiny voices inside of you are teens prejudice
against size challenged monsters will make for a cathartic session with
your therapist, Dr. Son of Godzilla.
pursuit of love & happiness will hit an offramp as you find
hate & happiness is a lot easier to obtain. The judgmental path
take will ruin the lives of everyone around you but you'll feel so smug
you'll only notice as you are on your desolate adjacent death bed.
your dreams with waking up, ya lazy gud fur nuthin' sponge!"
what your horoscope for today will say because of our guest writer,
no one else is ever gonna write another famous song about you. Now get
in my mouth! I love you but I suck at writing songs.
your life long dream will come true making it a half-life long dream.
Sorry to break it to you but today is the exact midpoint of your life.
Visit our auntie site TimeAndDate.com to find out how many days old you
are today & just how few days you have left. TimeAndDate.com,
will find a magical pair of shoes, not cool magic, but like stage
magic. So essentially the shoes have a secret compartment that can hold
a dove. And to clean out the previous dove's bones you'll need supplies
from our distant cousin site BirdCorpseCleaning.com.
BirdCorpseCleaning.com, ♫"You'll no longer have to answer, 'What's that
new job, shilling to people to visit our great grandfather site
MortalKombat.com will come to a euphoric end after you uppercut a camel
& it viciously tramples you into Nirvana, the heaven for video
characters. MortalKombat.com, "They're not mortals if they're alive for
the next match."
local bully will discover the terrible secret of your underwear drawer,
that you always go commando. Repurpose your drawer as an indrawer
you read this your car is being towed, look out your window now! If you
read this again your car will be towed back free of charge (possibly
only due to illegal haggling).
is great for an evil empire. The Joe will try to break your graphic
designer free to help their image. Put some Pop Rocks in Destro's mouth
& play the sound over the loudspeaker to scare them off.
will notice that in Spanish none of the days of the week start with a T
and that Mexicans must be really sad because they can't have Taco
Tuesday. You will then proceed to patron their dining establishments
for Tamale Thursday to cheer them up.
are capable of handling anything bad that will come your way today
except the poisoned lemonade that will end your ability to have a
lineage. We told you last week you shouldn't fire your taste tester for
budgetary purposes. Let that be a warning to the rest of you!
10th birthday will be everyone's ideal birthday, a lot of sleeping,
eating, & cuddling.
May Selfesque Sundays📣
My dream car is a low rider Wienermobile.
I can spell "good." I wrote "the constitution." I am quoting "the
Monday Night Memories📻
Back in my day the only airports we had were
in my day we didn't have toasters. We had to toast our bread the old
fashioned way, on the end of a clothes hanger over an open fire
it would always catch & fall in the fire. In other words, back
my day we didn't have toast!
Back in my day you wouldn't replace
a space heater with an outer space heater, stars were too big &
to bring into our homes in those days.
Back in my day we'd chalk-outline cats who were sleeping on the
May Tuesday Thanks🙏
Thank you sun for brightening up my day.
Thank you nodding for never telling me no.
Thank you dinosaurs for making sure all your Pangean Idol audition
tapes were destroyed along with you.
Thank you stomach for not turning on me.
Thank you broom for never sweeping me under the rug.
May Weigh It Wednesdays💪
Your dog died.
Optimistic View: All Dogs Go to Heaven
Pessimistic View: Watching All Dogs Go to Heaven will make
you miss him more.
Your cat died.
Optimistic View: Cats have 9 lives!
Pessimistic View: Their other 8 lives are spent in different
circles of hell.
Your hamster died.
Optimistic View: I just got new shoes!
Pessimistic View: Now I have to research if it's ok for my
snake to eat a dead hamster.
Your phone died.
View: After I plug it back in it will resurrect &
about the afterlife again! In phone heaven there is no touching or
talking or vibrating.
Pessimistic View: I always thought my
phone would die in a cool way so that I could tell all my friends, not
of boring old natural causes.
Your hair died.
View: "All growth comes from death," the religious sucker
say, grasping at straws to teach an ignorant lesson that no one will
Optimistic View: Hair is cool because it can do both kinds of
May Think About it Thursdays👆
Can you stand on an illegible ledge?
Why does Scotch Tape keep befriending measuring tape when it hates to
May Friday's Feelings💕
I feel like a pound of ducks. Ducks weigh more
than one pound.
I feel like a gallon of liquid rope that cannot be climbed.
I feel like a human hybrid hybrid.
I feel like Private First Class Obvious.
May Memba Whens🐘
Does anyone else remember that time when
freshly boiled sandwiches were the #1 food in the USA?
Does anyone else remember a time when being seen eating Frozen Cactuses
Sunday, May 28, 2017
May R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃
1. Train your drone to give busy people
surprise haircuts as they walk about.
2. Tape change to your ransom notes in case your victims can't break a
3. Wave back at people who wildly wave at you from the ocean.
4. Leave Easter eggs hidden in your yard year round.
5. Be a benchwarmer for the homeless.
6. Pray for someone’s dry cleaning
Mow your neighbor's lawn then burn the clippings to release the evil
grasshopper spirits that cause your neighbor to be a jerk.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
How easy was it to take this survey?
❑ Easiest ever
❑ Easiest thing ever in life
☑ Easiest thing in the history of the world
☒ You're making it sound like this is easy for everyone else &
I found it hard so now I am internally despondent.
❑ It was so hard I didn't finish reading it or anything else you've
ever written thus my opinion doesn't count.
Friday, May 19, 2017
A as in Aisle
B as in Bee
C as in Sea
D as in Dee dee dee-dee dee dee dee
E as in Effigy
F as in Effigy
G as in Gnome
H as in Hour
I as in Eyeball
J as in Blue jay
K as in Cayman Islands
L as in El
M as in Emily
N as in Enter
O as in Owe
P as in Psychology
Q as in Cue ball
R as in Are
S as in Especially
T as in Pterodactyl
U as in You
V as in Vehicle
W as in Rap
X as in Ex
Y as in Why
Z as in Xylophone
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
+=- A Stas by Stas Stasis💖
I reload refresh
The mightiest colors in the room
Sight saw through me
Multiple lights in reference
I can't be a sand which turns to glass in your eye
Moth rises under overhauled bridges
Camp flame fire night knight revolved two rivers
A uncrust uncut filleted solution revels in farce
Dumb months edge a ward off
Warding off old goers
Going off new windows
Based on steam clouds
A stas by stas stasis
Rumbling in an Ovelope
Escaping tires escape from car rims
Rim welded micro-marshstress
Famed overseen ovens folded blankets with a fan blade spinning
Dizzy spinning every inning after this inning we'll go on an outing
Everywhere is somewhere, wholewhere, another
Parking seldom settles bagging cabbage nights that pertrudes invisibly
A line is a lumbering shadow shelter
Ice volume, clink clink
Shaking faces make lightning volunteers to burn in the sky beautifully
This is a world of pictures burrowing under sliding solaces
Addition buries subtraction in neutral fumes heralding sorrowful
I rent vivistruction
No valid research to follow under eveningfalls of dry air
Illustration reconstructs events. I'm drawing bricks with bricks.
No clock in the yard. Dig up old excruciatingly long cases
Chattering lung flies by
+=- Jagged cats file oatmeal receipts.💖
Math mop cleans up spilt letters. Toast
flounders like untoast. Giant thermometer spaceship measures the
temperature of space.
5 Oceans made of cheese flavored jello
your houseboat to evolved swimming koalas. Tours leave popcorn
tomatoes on the ground. Hacksaw your cold drinks open. Memories for
miles, this space has weight.
Stepping-stone has intentions to
disrupt the universal sundial. Undisclosed thankfulness recovers. Wool
cabinet lounges. Flytrap spouts solutions to fried lawnmowers. And it
spread. Nightly ape dog walkers. Fall finds feathers in fountains, all
unnatural ingredients. Down all night. Gramophone abyss. Sullen
octagonal rescue singing.
Jagged cats file oatmeal receipts. You
must kick the right mug for education to appear. Adjoining stays.
Second-hand ban. Mountain range collar. Woozy floor has nowhere to
fall. Wax umbrella with an overt sound.
Sunday, April 30, 2017
It's Alike April Lessons🎓
Science is a lot like butter, it proves that
A blanket is a lot like a bus on fire. If one lays on you you'll get
warm & sleepy.
Plastic is a lot like the Web, it's a better alternative to paper.
Software is a lot like tableware, neither are used as insults.
Leaves are a lot like candied yams, they're both terrible to use as
A shadow is a lot like a teacup, if the shadow is the shadow of a
Squirrels are a lot like mops, you can use both to dent mailboxes.
Mist is a lot like fog but misty eyed & foggy eyed are very
Nails are a lot like lettuce, they both have heads that don't wear hats.
Santa is a lot like furniture. If you're the one sitting everything is
fine. If you're the one being sat on, there's a problem.
Pine needles are a lot like marbles, they aren't good salad ingredients.
Advice is a lot like a flier, it's amazing if you can get someone to
Oranges are a lot like sinks, neither rhyme with rail.
Rolls are a lot like everything, they taste better in soup.
Blood is a lot like water, it's better to use a filter before you drink
it out of a tap.
A bucket of water is a lot like a man holding a glass of Easter eggnog,
if you juggle them, they'll both spill.
Roosters are a lot like crows, they both crow in the morning.
Gymnasts are a lot like fugitives. It's particularly exciting when they
jump off of something.
Doctors are a lot like lunch meat, they can both fit between properly
sized slices of bread.
Eyeballs are a lot like cue balls. They are both alphabet based balls
which do not contain the letter they sound like.
Windows are a lot like whips, if you crack them you'll feel a breeze.
Fingers are a lot like missiles, if you point 'em at the wrong place
people could blow up.
Zippers are a lot like alligator mouths, they're scariest when opened.
Outer space is a lot like a negotiation, both are a lot more exciting
Scarves are a lot like cosplaying pythons, soft.
A camera is a lot like a bank vault. If you touch your eye to one
you'll soon have a picture taken.
are a lot like mouths, if you shut 'em people can't see the clothes.
So, shut yo mouth! Or people will know you've been eating clothes.
Typewriters are a lot like mailmen, they both bring you letters.
Flowers are a lot like corpses, they don't move much when a bee lands
A pet turtle is a lot like a taco, it has a hard shell & it
upsets you when it spills your cheese.
You're like a speck of dust, when there are
thousands of you it makes me uncomfortable.
Are you a fortune teller? Because I can see my future with you.
You're like a desk, you're a good place to keep a laptop.
You're like a button but not the kind you push, that would be bad, I
don't want to push you. I mean the kind on my shirt, close to my heart.
You're like a plastic bag, you make a lot of noise when crumbled up.
I could talk to you until the cows come home. They get off work at 6.
You're like a catapult, I want you to throw some crap away.
You're like my sternum because you keep my heart warm.
You're like a bestseller, I want to leave you at the store.
You're like a scarf in the cold I want you around my neck.
You're like a poster. I look at you if you're hanging on my wall.
You're like an eyelash, I want to blow you away.
You're like a smell, I can tell you're around.
You're like a birthday, you make me celebrate.
You're like wool, I don't want you on a sheep.
You're like a tooth, you're always a part of my smile.
You're like a machine, I don't like it when you smoke.
You're like a horse because I'm betting on you.
You're like a fork, you're good at stabbing.
You're like a nail in a doorway, I'm stuck on you.
You're like a skateboard, you won't fit in my cereal bowl.
You're like a crown because you make me feel like a king.
You're like a minus sign, you shouldn't be crossed.
You're like a moat. I want you around my castle.
You're like a pie, you need to cool off.
You're like cash, if I find you on the ground I'm gonna pick you up.
You're like an onion, when you get cut I cry.
You're like a crayon you won't stay in the box.
You're like a P.O. box because you're full of letters (after you eat
You're like a marshmallow. I've never seen you in a hot air balloon,
but I'd like to.
April R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃
1. Break into your neighbor's house &
cook them a meal with all
of their food that is about to expire.
2. Give someone a hug coupon that is valid at any person's arms.
3. Order beach towels in bulk & throw them into the ocean to
try to help the beach finally dry off.
4. Make "Stay Well" cards for people who already feel great.
5. Secretly tape a family's treasured moments for a future gift.
6. Clean up a kid's room & do his homework.
7. Say goodbye to everyone you pass.
April Selfesque Sundays📣
I don't see races, I only see fun runs.
I wouldn't sell out for all the tea in China because that would be
really mean to all the Chinese people who love to drink tea.
I'm colorblind, I don't see race or religion or traffic lights.
..No, I'm not a fan but I'm still really cool.
I'm on illegal drugs, I mean illegal for other people if they don't
have a prescription for it.
April Monday Night Memories📻
Back in my day calculators didn't have 1s or
3s because they
didn't want anyone to do math with unlucky 13. They were afraid if they
did it would collapse the consistency of mathematics itself &
all the row boats with goo. And unlucky for us the mathematical formula
that disproved the theory had the number 13 in it.
Back in my day even the ghosts wore togas!
Back in my day lab mice never had to make their own sandwiches.
Back in my day we could skewer ice cubes & let them melt to
create holy water.
April Tuesday Thanks🙏
Thank you shirt for having my back.
Thank you keys for getting my motor runnin'.
Thank you nigh quill for being close to me.
Thank you preserves for being my jam.
April Weigh It Wednesdays💪
You went bald after drinking a truth serum
Pessimistic View: I can't lie about being ok with this.
View: I've discovered a hidden prejudice against bald people
& will hire a bald therapist to help me work through it over
Your metal detector ring keeps detecting metal in your sandwiches
Optimistic View: My delicious blood sandwich is just very
rich in iron.
Pessimistic View: Now I have to buy a mood ring too to detect
the mood of the person who put the metal in my sandwich.
Truckers keep trying to sell me families of koalas
Optimistic View: I could make a killing as a koala
Pessimistic View: Those aren't real families, I don't see a
ring on her finger!
You're so boring that when tumbleweed sees you it blows the other way
Pessimistic View: You're too boring to have views.
Optimistic View: That tumbleweed is gonna make it to Canada!
April Think About it Thursdays👆
What's your true wish, world peace or a piece
of the world?
What is your favorite brand toothbrush to demeaningly clean a toilet
you could bury one thing with yourself what would it be? Mine would be
a Wi-Fi hotspot that helps funeral goers disrespect the dead as a rib
on the newbies.
Don't you hate shaved ice? It's so hard to get the shaving cream taste
April Friday's Feelings💕
I feel like an educational French fry, the
only kind of clean French fry people don't like.
I feel like a kitten party bus broke down in front of my house for life!
I feel like sending chainmail chain letters but can't afford the
I feel like a space chimp that would've rather rode in a hot air
April Memba Whens🐘
Does anyone else remember that day baseball
was replaced with
basesandwich & all the balls were sandwiches & it was
but inside-the-park home runs because the sandwich had to be
reassembled before anyone could be thrown out?
Does anyone else
remember that time when reverse mermaid sharks made us jello candles
with wicks of Pixy Stix, then everyone protested Wonka for
bioengineering human shark hybrids? Then Wonka was like, "Dude, here's
some free candy" & that's how Trick or Treating was invented.
anyone else remember that time when those trapezists snuck into our
hand pile huddle & yelled "Whoa Trapezery!" & swung up
away out of sight?
Does anyone else remember that time when the
floor was made of lava & lava was made of floors so rolls of
linoleum spewed out of Mt. St. Flora?
Does anyone else remember that time when the phone was possessed by
dead telemarketers? That's why we'd always hang up on them.
Saturday, April 29, 2017
What is your ideal date?
❑ April 29, 2017
❑ Barmundah 21, 1733
❑ Sha'ban 2, 1438
❑ Iyar 3, 5777
❑ April 16, 2017
☑ That new calendar we'll use after the apocalypse later today.
Sunday, April 2, 2017
But the cage has feed✎
Ages away from anything that matters
Listen to the unlit matches
Scramble to be not one of the catches
May the light without burning my heart?
May I might find the end & think not of the start?
Shins don't drown they just feel cool
Rather feel the flow than the still of a pool
The sky ripples on the ground
The sound of a beating that isn't a heart
But the cage has feed
And that's what we need
The cage has feed
Thank those lucky stars that burned out long ago
Live thanks, sleep, grow
I want to land & stay
Can't move another day
Are these signs repeating or am I driving in circles?
Ain't no use in running unless you bazooka the hurdles
Thank you teeth for keeping us honest
No thank you feet, you're never lasting
But the cage has feed
Can't farm or grow a seed
The cage has feed
Which house is mine
The slaughter house or the daughter house?
Both have my blood
Only one needs it spilt
Cozy cube or cozy quilt
But the cage has feed
But the cage has feed
Alive & alone
Sleepy not honed
Don't keep this in the picture when you paint my life
I choose the colors, I choose the photos, memories alive
And the love that makes you live..
And the lights that makes you dry..
I have it all but nothing to give
I live the wonder but still wonder why
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Piemerica's Prank Ideas for April Fools
• Swap the signs on the shallow & deep
ends of the pool.
• Leave a tiny ransom note for the single grape you abducted from the
• Serve someone with papers for a fake law suit
• Tie together the shoelaces of non-matching shoes
• Put fake fruit in the fruit drawer & fake milk in the milk
• Scrape the letters off of a contemporary's keyboard
• Baby turtles & a bent envelope filled with green ooze in the
• Leave a phone in the toilet that matches their model
• 3 way call your friend & a doctor's office & stay
Landmines in their garden, finding a fake one would be good but if you
want to kill them leave live ones in there. There's a special club in
heaven for people who died from April Fool's pranks.
• Into a toaster drop an item that will result in stinkerization if
• Pepper in the pillowcase
• Pee your pants & pretend it was an April Fool's prank because
you've always wanted to pee in public.
Send a rocket into low orbit at night to masquerade as a shooting star
so the chumps you prank make a wishes that won't come true.
• Put "Free Candy" signs in people's yards then on their front door put
signs that say, "Candy 'round back. --►"
• Have all your family learn Mandarin to prank your uncle into thinking
we've been taken over by the Chinese.
Friday, March 31, 2017
March is When Lessons🎓
you visit a hunter's house & they have a bunch of empty wall
it's because they're a ghost hunter & those are the ghosts
When you want to do something heroic, speak in a heroic tone.
When you draw water from a well using an orange it confuses things. Use
blue & draw the well too.
When something cost an arm & a leg make sure to use exact
change unless you're lucky enough to get the 5 finger discount.
When you build a staircase with just one stair it's a stair case.
When life gives you lemonade, take the day off.
you're budgeting for a trip it's better not to take the trip. It
doesn't matter if you can afford it. The pain of the injuries aren't
When The Going gets Tough, The Tough gets Going & soon wedding
bells are ringing.
careful when considering the purchase of farmland. Most people I've
heard of who bought a farm died right around the same time.
Back in the tube days, a man could choose to sit on a tv to be on TV.
When your psychiatrist gives you a milk blot test instead of an ink
blot test he's trying to see if you cry over spilt milk.
When it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside that counts.
It's easy to tell when you're close but yes cigar because you can smell
you wear a dirty shirt you look like a lazy slob unless the shirt also
has paint on it, that makes you look like a hard worker.
Beware the Ides of March because they make you google what ides are
& the result is very disappointing.
When your favorite movie is Credits II: The Discrediting, you should
probably become an avid reader of bibliographies.
A bad way to say you eat a lot is, "I always love satin'."
throw your hands in the air & wave em like you just don't care
& if you are seen by a bear he won't come ova here, not ova
You know you grew up poor when your watch had a second hand second hand.
Be careful who you ask for change for a quarter. Ask the wrong person
& you could end up hospitalized for 3 months.
You must learn to crawl before you can learn.. to work your way up the
adult/baby racing circuit.
no time like the present except every moment of time ever because all
of the past used to be the present & all of the future will be
Before you can change the world, you must first.. find a fluffy pirate
shirt big enough to fit it.
After all these years it's time to give up on creating a Furby/duckling
For a better start to your day have your alarm use your favorite TV
When you spill food one morsel travels to another dimension before it
hits the ground & lands in a bowl to feed their poor.
Every time you upgrade your KFC order a chicken loses its wings.
When your favorite color is red but favorite Popsicle® flavor is purple
you're making the rainbow cry.
your bowling ball is heavier than your bawling bowl hydrate the bowl by
putting soup in it then have it speak to a licensed bowl therapist to
discover the root of its sorrows.
Before you borrow a monkey's
socks remember, they're not socks they're gloves. Don't be swindled by
sock monkeys, unless you have an appointment, they will respect your
punctuality & give you human socks at fair market price.
Sometimes now is whenever.
Days of March📦
It's a tightly hugging loaves of bread at the
supermarket kinda day.
It's a 3D printing inedible licorice replicas kinda day.
It's a squash buckling, crash testing kinda day.
It's a lampshade funnel kinda day.
It's a pillow grilling kinda day.
It's a mailing toast to old Facebook friends kinda day. Go check your
It's a juggling toothpicks with your eyelashes kinda day.
It's a squeegeing the ocean kinda day.
It's a using an Irish snake as a stomach pump kinda day.
It's a beandip bleaching kinda day.
It's a tuba shadow appreciation kinda day.
It's an orca bowling kinda day.
It's a burying an oral thermometer kinda day.
It's a mourning marshmallows that melted of natural causes kinda day.
It's an order a 2nd dresser to use as a hamper kinda day.
March Selfesque Sundays📣
…No, I wasn't talking to myself, I could sense
you were going to enter the room.
I bet you a thousand dollars I wouldn't be able to pay you a thousand
dollars if I lost this bet.
The thing I hate the most about the DMV is that they make you do eye
tests instead of taste tests.
I'm more sedentary than a wallet.
March Monday Night Memories📻
Back in my day we had to syphon bowling balls
from the ball return, it wasn't automatic.
Back in my day we didn't have Emotions, cheerleaders hadn't perfected
the vowels yet.
Back in my day we only had 2 oceans, but of course my day was on a
Back in my day everyone lost their marbles that's why kids don't play
with marbles anymore.
March Tuesday Thanks🙏
Thank you cheese for not cutting yourself.
Thank you sweets for never ruining my appetite.. for more sweets.
Thank you spine for helping me stand up for myself.
Thank you jellyfish for never breathing down my neck.
March Weigh It Wednesdays💪
You have ants in your pants.
Pessimistic View: Eww, no! Ahhh! Hehehe. Ecch!
Optimistic View: So THAT'S where I put my pic•i•nic basket!.
The dog ate your homework
Optimistic View: YES! It finally happened!
Pessimistic View: Sucks that I'm [insert your seasoned adult
age here] before this finally happened.
The snow melted & revealed your yard is filled with sponges
Pessimistic View: It feels very weird to walk in my yard now,
worse than walking in mud barefoot.
Optimistic View: This will make my compulsive egg juggling
habit less messy.
You're parents are getting a divorce
Optimistic View: It's not a broken home, it was just a home
built from incompatible materials.
Pessimistic View: Time travelling great great grandma
& grandpa aren't gonna be happy.
Your car was stolen.
Pessimistic View: I'm stranded! What a horrible day!
Optimistic View: Maybe they'll hear the guy in the trunk
&, unlike me, be able to figure out how to free him.
March Think About it Thursdays👆
Pineapple, what are you pining for at your
What other kind of preference is there other than a personal
preference? One imposed by the state?
Hey! Watch it pal! What's the moderately-sized idea?
Would you rather be in jail or a pail? Pails don't get much work these
days, it's all milk & beaches. Pretty sweet gigs.
Do you know the difference between you & me? I mean besides the
spelling, pronunciation, & definition?
March Friday's Feelings💕
I feel like a marble in a maze, a corn maze.
I feel like punching a monitor lizard's 11th slot on its 12th sno-cone
is free card.
I feel like food packaging should be self-microwaving.
I feel like pinecone is the worst ice-cream flavour unless you have
really bad breath.
I feel like a battery powered toaster hiding in a mailbox trying to
heroically burn junk mail.
March Memba Whens🐘
anyone else remember that time when scientists found out Kryptonite was
real but Superman still wasn't so they didn't bother to add it to the
Does anyone else remember that time when a
mustard tanker wrecked off the coast of Darfur & we all swam
& got yellow bellies?
Does anyone else remember that time
when New Year's Day came early because everyone thought it was a leap
year when it wasn't & no one was ready to celebrate because
Does anyone else remember that time when we went to the taco bar
& we got beat up by drunken tacos?
Sunday, March 26, 2017
March R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃
1. Hang out with your friends as often as
possible so they can maintain alibis.
2. Paste pictures of you smiling all over the neighborhood to cheer
3. Shave "Wash Me" into a hairy man's back.
4. Set up a fake grave to bury treasure in.
5. Run your noisy bubble machine incessantly at the park.
6. Tell people why you refuse to speak to them.
7. Carry a bell around with you to notify establishments of their fine
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Which organ is your favorite to donate weekly?
☑ Heart (metaphorically)
❑ Skin (it's the biggest organ so that makes me the biggest hero!)
☒ Pancreas (because you love unnecessary surgery)
Monday, March 20, 2017
Spring Cleaning Checklist (So can you?)📜
❑ Alphabetize peanuts based on shape
❑ Sandblast television
❑ Find missing giant banana that was in the tuba
❑ Pluck cactus leash
❑ Dust inside of milk cartons
❑ Wash soap with better soap
❑ Paint fake tunnels around nail holes to fool insects
❑ Polish closet floors
❑ Shake out pitted olives
❑ Water light bulbs so they'll become light flowers
❑ Replace battery in Power Wheels get-away tractor
❑ Put wacky waving inflatable arm flailing tube man on top of chimney
❑ Use garbage disposal to get rid of excess sand
❑ Chronologize Cheerios™ based on tint
❑ Waterproof Hi-C® cellar
❑ Flatten bowls to use as plates
❑ Sharpen cheeses
❑ Deep clean unused copy paper
❑ Disinfect collection of rare, incurable diseases
❑ Knock out exterior bathroom wall to air out shower & tub.
❑ Donate used toilet brush
❑ Mop paintings
❑ Unclog main electrical line
❑ Throw out expired Kevlar®
❑ Ride in the dryer on high heat to remove that stubborn belly button
❑ Rotate your drains
❑ Moisturize baguette bench
❑ Shine life-sized Cerebro replica
❑ Delouse coconuts with coconut oil
❑ Binge on expired vitamins & medications
❑ Destroy spider habitats
❑ Dehinge rinds
❑ Remove grill marks from grill
❑ Luge the gutters
❑ Trim the squirrels
❑ Kool-Aid the sprinklers
❑ Uproot talons
❑ Fold the straitjackets to make them sound oxymoronic
❑ Reseal the ice cubes & ice rhombohedrons
Tuesday, March 7, 2017
Thursday, March 2, 2017
I'm gonna take my life✎
Now I am walking away from the falsehoods that
made me stay
In a broken mind in a broken world in broken humanity
But I know the healer
I know the cure
& I will never witness again the thoughts that made me poor
Lies took everything from me
All the wrong signs still had the right name
And I will never feel the same shame & anti-bliss
Because I am gonna take my life
Yes I am gonna take my life
It's my life the gift is mine
Thank you God, my heart always shines
I wanna take my life
Yes I am gonna take my life
No more fights no more wars
No more blight no more sores
No more pain, only love
No more double minded torture with a false flag from above
Forget the walk, I'll rest with you
Nevermind the talk, Blue is not true
unless it is the sky
Oh my.. life!
I wanna take my life!
I'm gonna take my life!
To keep & share
I know where
Here & now
No more "How?"
No more "How?"
Here & now forever
I am free
I took the life He put inside of me
Not bereft, not a mind of death
I took my life & His life takes me
The only darkness brings rest at night
& I am gonna take my life
Yes I'm gonna take my life
I'll shout it twice!
I want to take my life!
Yes I AM gonna take my LIFE!
Life is glory
Heaven is Here, Better than Wings✎
I cannot fall
This is better than wings
Better than wings
A whole new world
A whole new sky
Heaven is here
I wanna raise Hell
To throw it into the sun
From all the feelings of life I can choose fun
Inside this well I cannot drown
I drink it in & wear my crown NOW
Heaven is here
This is better than wings
I get so high that I can't be seen
Heaven is here
This is better than wings
An atmosphere without fear where everything is clear
Everything is seen & everything is clean
Blowing beautifully in the wind
Love is my best friend
Heaven is here
This is better than wings
I can do anything
No pressure high or low
Everywhere I can go
Heaven is here
This is better than dreams
Literally better than I ever could have dream
The prison is gone
Only the truth sings
& it rocks!
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Wild waves, wild waves
I'm never in the water
I'm never in the sand
I'm always thinking harder
Hard thoughts but no plans
Can I shoe you away?
Keep your feet clean & cut free
Going through the wild waves
I'm never in the water
I hope my secrets will not manifest as a contest.
I hope my skewers will not make me a vent.
Blowing through me, blowing through me, the waves
Waves of air
Oh I want to follow me down hill
No one tends to trust my songs
Soapy toast makes taste buds halt!
Now they are my taste enemies!
Scrambled Eggs & Scrambled Channels✎
I want to stay true
While kidding around
I want to be a gopher's friend in a corn maze, a maze maze!
I feel like dirt is a prefectly acceptable travel route
& I feel like a cabbage crying its googly eyes out
Cause those are the hardest eyes to cry from but the easiest to cry out
I feel like walking through the spillage from a tipped over barrel of
tiny novelty couches
The kind that open up your scissors to cut for them a tent
Scrambled eggs & scrambled channels for both you have to pay
Scrambled brains & scrambled cameras both make you look away,
make you want to play
Night time disco movie, projector on the floor
Everyone is coming to see you because their blindfolds all tore
I'm not just one
I am a winner of the truth
Not compensating for anything
I just know that life can be a groove
And feel so smooth
Speed bumps with goosebumps loving their job
I want to be your cereal mascot & add sweets to milk
I'll help you forget the havoc
Grab my bunny ears & hold on
I'll make a noise you cannot hear
I'll be the wheel you hold & steer
Let's ride the road that is wet
Again & again & again! So we don't forget.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
If the zoo catches fire hope next day for an
Hammond Eggs have the most vitamin B3.
Cloud servers always be dropping food.
Throw out your futon if aliens come to earth because futons make it far
too easy for the aliens to eat us as tacos.
should change the word bonus to donus because it sounds like doughnuts
& thinking of doughnuts makes you feel even better.
stopped selling milk in the yellow jug because your milk would sneakily
drink your orange juice while your fridge door was closed.
If your flying cup keeps escaping, fill it with rocks & sand
& water & Fruity Pebbles.
Moonshiner = Man of Still
Get out of the mouthless cerebellum catering business.
Putting lettuce under your bacon to keep your plate from getting greasy
doesn't count as salad.
Apple marionettes allow for apple core·e·ography.
Everybody eats poo because poo is made out of food. Food is just
If you use a butcher knife made of petrified meat you can pork chop a
A mass toaster shaking would solve world hunger. Although 17 minutes
later world hunger would resume.
hamburgers shouldn't visit America or they'll be eaten! And they should
never befriend a sentient mustard. Mustards are racist against salsa
& horsey sauce & thought balloons.
Use a watering can to strain foods.
Live snakes shouldn't be eaten tail first.
You can feel like you've viciously drowned a fish if you strangle the
fish underwater while covering its gills.
Don't propose a toast to butter when it's on a roll.
So you've got carbon dating, well if a soda's flat that's carbonation
Ice melts if you tickle it.
water is running water, bottled water is jogging water, bath water is
sitting water, birdbath water is standing water, pool water is laying
water, pond water is ducking water, spilt water is bending over water,
holy water is bowing water, digested water is squatting water.
Chips & dips aren’t friends. They get each other eaten.
When tossing someone a fork always aim for the eye that way they see it
If you eat mannequins as a substitute for eating humans you're a
To get free toppings at a frozen yogurt shoppe say something really
mean so they start throwing toppings at you.
If someone gives you a sash made of butter they're planning on cooking
Drinking gasoline makes you the ultimate foodie because you're dining
Don't you hate it when you visit a haunted
house & you find out it's your ghost that's haunting it
& that ghosts are time travelers who aren't allowed
to occupy the time-frame after they died?
Don't you hate it when you buy a bunch of yarn thinking your cat will
play with it but it doesn't so you sit the open boxes of yarn outside
on the curb & you have problem with stray cats now?
Don't you hate it when racists throw away toast because it gets too
Don't you hate it when your favorite book gets turned into a movie but
the adaptation is so faithful that it's just the text from the book
shown on the screen & it doesn't stay on a page long enough for
you to finish reading it?
Don't you hate it when someone asks if they can borrow your garden
hose.. or did they say garden hoes?
Don't you hate it when everyone laughs at you after you tell a killer
joke? People who laugh at jokes about killers have no class!
Don't you hate it when your coat won't unzip & you wonder
aloud, "Why did I have to see if this still fits during the summer!?"
then you have to turn the A/C way up to compensate until your mom comes
over to get your zipper unstuck?
Don't you hate it when your milk man shows up late, 60 years late?
Don't you hate to lose your permanent marker when you thought "IT WAS
THE ONE THING IN LIFE I COULD COUNT ON!" & now you weep openly
day & night?
Don't you hate it when The Sandwich Tickler sneaks in & gets
crumbs all over your plate? That's what happened. That's why there's
crumbs there. It doesn't matter if you stood next to the sandwich the
whole time. The Sandwich Tickler is tiny.. a..and invisible!
Don't you hate it when you accidentally bring in the trash instead of
the groceries because you use Hefty bags as your reusable shopping
Don't you hate it when your yard becomes sentient & orders an
NBA Jam arcade machine because your yard's voice sounds just like the
announcer's voice in the game & you keep hearing, "He's on
fire!" making you wonder if someone is actually on fire or if your yard
is just better at you at performing sick slam dunks in the game? And
don't you hate it that you sorta wish someone were actually on fire for
once? That game is stupid anyway. I think it's time to mow the lawn!
Don't you hate it when a comet is going to crash into the earth
& humanity has to be like, "Dude, stop texting &
Don't you hate it when people never finish reading what you write? Hey
come back here! I'm not finished with you yet! You just made a powerful
ene... rgy pulse through my being wishing, "Golly, I'd like if you'd
finish reading this." Oh! You came back! Well this is uncomfortable.
Bu..bu..bu..but thanks! Ok you can keep scrolling now. Th.th..ats all I
have to say for today. Um, you, your kindness will not be forgotten..
by me. Other people, they, they may forget it but, uh, not me. Ok
c'mon, this is too much. I did't mean for it to be like this! Stop!
Just stoppp.... An unregarded, confuddled obese man who never got a
break. Now he has what he's wanted - and he's going to have to live
with it for eternity, forever awkwardly typing to an audience, in the
February Selfesque Sundays📣
I'm 31 years sober. I was addicted to placenta
for nine months.
Next on my bucket list, to scold all the buckets used in the ice bucket
challenge because they only helped charity once.
I wasn't born yesterday but if I was this would be the best day of my
I don't trust my phone to read the phone book without calling someone
February Monday Night Memories📻
Back in my day if you saw a donkey wearing
pants it would mean there's a thunderstorm approaching & you've
Back in my day we didn't talk about the weather unless the weather
talked about us. "And the wind cries.."
in my day carhops at drive-in restaurants were also mechanics because
they needed to drum up business for the declining industry.
Back in my day omg stood for One Man Gang.
February Tuesday Thanks🙏
Thank you wrist splint for always being
straight with me.
Thank you loud snoring for giving me an alibi every night.
Thank you red light for never letting me go.
Thank you darkness for never outshining me.
February Weigh It Wednesdays💪
A car ran over your foot
Pessimistic View: Oh no! My foot! AAAA!
View: I love being a land owner! Next year I'm gonna buy a
square foot of land, non-adjacent of course. Oh were I to afford square
foot adjacency I would spend my money on finer things.
You found a snake in your bed
Pessimistic View: I'll never be able to go to sleep again!
Optimistic View: Aha! Memory foam is made of snakes! I'll
blackmail the mattress industry for millions!
A helicopter chopped off your hand
Optimistic View: I can be airlifted quickly to the nearest
Pessimistic View: My helicopter is a lousy chef.
There's a shark in your pool!
Pessimistic View: Unfavorably there are no tributaries for
him to exit forthwith under his own accord.
View: I must have some really powerful enemies for this to
happen. My death is gonna make the papers! And not just the obituary
this time! I'm talking tragically bold mega-headings!
February Think About it Thursdays👆
Who wore Worcestershire wings to be eaten? Was
it West-Angel Willie?
Are you deeper than a mountain top?
You ever try to color fire with your blood because the fire is too
Ow my third foot! Where'd my third foot go?
February Friday's Feelings💕
I feel sorry for old clowns who think cement
mixers are gimmicked circus cannons.
I feel like a duck in a tree trying to swim in a bird’s nest.
I feel like an windbag airbag.
feel like nails wishing they could be the nails across the chalkboard
to dominate the entire scope of nail loudness with the hammereding AND
February Memba Whens🐘
Does anyone else remember a time when cleaning
your plate simply meant eating a lot rather than washing a plate?
anyone else remember when we found that carrier pigeon in the mailbox
because he didn't feel like flying down our long driveway?
anyone else remember that time when we met that whale that could play
guitar & we were like, "Wow! You rock! Here try this electric
guitar!" & the whale said "Great! I've never played one of
before!" & he took it & got electrocuted to death
& we all
ate whale that night & all the nights for the rest of our lives?
anyone else remember a time when burning candles was barbaric &
people wondered aloud all day in Yiddish accents, "What's the deal with
candles? Why do they make em if we can't burn 'em? What's the
difference between em & 'em?"
Sunday, February 26, 2017
February R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃
1. Enter a talent contest to show off your
talent of judging talent.
2. Help someone to speed up & be on time by flashing them a
3. Carry someone's groceries into their house using your army of slave
4. Lay flowers on the chests of people who are about to die.
5. Leave a web QR code inside of your library book that links to your
review of the book.
6. Feed birds.. the truth.
7. Cure homelessness by giving away your unused stock of Barbie's
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Where is the best place to keep an extra
❑ In a 1970s science book.
☒ In science
☑ Outside of the realm of science
Monday, February 20, 2017
Catching up with Michael Reyes, Emperor of
217 Answers for 2017📜
1. Can or Do you still play twister?
No, my feet are colorblind
2. What's your favourite pizza topping?
Several other supreme pizzas
3. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Shoes come in pairs now?
4. Do you have any pets?
Yes all peeves
5. What would your hero name be?
6. What would your hero outfit be?
A clear plastic portable closet
7. What would you do if you won the lottery?
Buy a million people lottery tickets & hope the winner shares
the money with me
8. Which form of public transport do you prefer?
9. Are you psychic in any way?
I knew you were going to ask me that.
10. Are you a good dancer?
Yeah I donate my dances to the homeless to help them busk
11. Have you ever been bungee jumping?
I used a bungee cord as a jump rope and that counts!
12. Where would your dream holiday be?
One where teleportation is the travel method.
13. Can you tap dance?
Sure what do you want me to tell it after I get its attention?
14. What's your favourite film?
15. What's your favourite alcoholic drink?
Mixed drinks are the only drinks that drink alcohol.. and just because
a drink gets drunk doesn't mean it's an alcoholic.
16. What's your favourite boyband?
17. If you could go back in time to change one thing what would it be?
I would make it so time machines would be invented earlier
18. How many hats do you own?
None. I believe in the inherent autonomy of cranial accessories
19. Are you any good at pool?
I can barely swim
20. Have you ever been admitted to hospital?
Not that I'll admit.
21. Have you ever had any brushes with the law?
What is that? A new way of doing coke?
22. Have you ever been on TV?
Back in the tube days, when a man could choose to sit on a tv.
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
Can you meet yourself?
24. Have you ever been to Legoland?
If you count the crappy empty square replica I made myself, yes.
25. Have you ever done something heroic?
I've spoken in a heroic tone.
26. Have you ever played a practical joke on anyone?
All jokes are practical because laughter is the best medicine.
27. Do you prefer baths or showers?
For babies I like both
28. What colour socks are you wearing?
Underwear color is private
29. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
Of course, I'd hate to lose weight just to become famous
30. Would you ever go on Big Brother?
No, but maybe while I was a baby when he changed my diaper I went on him
31. How big is your TV?
Pends on how big I write it.
32. What type of music do you like?
The outgoing type, shy music is not easy to hear.
33. How big is your house?
It's AS BIG AS A HOUSE!
34. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?
There's a difference?
35. What do you typically have for breakfast?
36. Do you like scary movies?
I hate the smell of burning celluloid.
37. How long can you balance on one foot?
Depends on how long the person's foot can handle the pain of me
standing on it.
38. Have you ever fired a gun?
Yeah, the poor guy, it was two days before his retirement
39. What's your favourite clean word?
spick (without span because spickets bring you water)
40. What's your favourite swear word?
41. What's your least favourite word?
less, & surprisingly (to you) least is my second least favorite
42. What's the longest you've gone without sleep?
30+ hours but I plan on breaking that record after I die
43. What's the tallest building you've ever been up?
Not sure, maybe I've been in buildings that have 90 stories buried deep
below, like a library that buries its old books.
44. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
The clothes, because I change those anyway
45. Would you rather trade some intelligence for looks or looks for
46. Have you ever tie-dyed your own clothes?
No I can't get any dye out of my tie, stupid thing!
47. Are you reliable?
If I have to procrastinate before answering that means no right?
48. Are you proud of yourself?
Yes, yourself is a wonderful word.
49. Have you ever had a secret admirer
Secret is in the name, How would I know? HOW would I know?
50. If you could ask your future self one question what would it be?
What is the answer to that question about what question I would ask
you? I can't think of one… yet. Crud you still haven't thought of one?
It's been forty years!
51. Do you hold grudges?
Depends on how much you pay me.
52. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature
what new animal would you create?
I'd rather do it in a lab than have them make whoopee.
53. Do you decorate the outside of your house for Christmas?
No, I've learned that when it comes to homes, it's what's on the inside
54. Are you much of a gambler?
I bet I'm not.
55. Are you much of a daredevil?
I'm more of a truthdevil.
56. Are you a good liar?
That's an oxymoron
57. Are you any good at charades?
Permit me to demonstrate my answer..
58. How long could you go without talking?
59. Have you ever sleepwalked?
No. I only sleep luge.
60. Can you play poker?
Only the fireplace kind.
61. What traditionally adorns the top of your Christmas tree?
62. Can you impersonate anyone famous?
Not without lawyers getting involved.
63. What's your favourite accent?
Is umlaut an accent?
64. What do you like on your toast?
Not crackers that's for soiten
65. Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap?
I like prison bars of soap
66. How do you have your eggs?
I don't produce eggs.
67. What's your favourite saying?
"I can't say."
68. Can you stand on your hands unassisted?
Yeah I can bend over that far
69. What do you have on your fridge door?
70. Do you love or hate Myspace?
I think everyone is entitled to their own space
71. What's your most expensive piece of clothing?
The torso part?
72. Have you ever bought anything from ebay?
That's a unique accent you have!
73. Can you blow bubbles with bubblegum?
Yeah & non-bubble gum too, OOOH
74. Can you curl your tongue?
I don't know enough about the sport of curling to know if that requires
me to have my tongue cut out or not. With the ice I think no.
75. Is your bellybutton an innie or outie?
I've never heard it speak so it must be an introvert.
76. Have you ever owned a yo-yo?
77. Have you ever been on a pogo stick?
No go on the pogo
78. Have you ever accidentally injured anyone?
No but I made it look like an accident.
79. Have you ever been banned from a public place?
Yeah but because of me it's not public anymore.
80. How much spam email do you tend to get a week?
Amazingly SPAM® has never sent me an email. I hear their knewsletter
comes out an absurd amount of times per week.
81. As a kid were you ever frighted of a monster under the bed or in
No, my monster slept in the top bunk.
82. Are you a clean or messy person?
…….mes…sy…… (the dots are crumbs)
83. What's your preferred playing piece in monopoly?
I like the car because it can run over the dog then we can barter to
close the lawsuit.
84. Have you ever entered a talent contest?
As a surprise judge. The non-surprise judges didn't like my talent of
85. Are you a bad loser?
Aren't all losers bad, that's why they lose right?
86. What's your favourite type of Pie?
That preference is proximity based.
87. What's your favourite board game?
88. Do you have much of an ego?
Yeah but I'm borrowing it
89. What's your favourite supermarket chain?
The one that keeps the carts from rolling into the street
90. What's your favourite fast-food chain?
I wish sandwiches came with locks
91. What's your favourite type of tree?
The one that made my floor. I love that my floor happens while I'm
92. If you could bankrupt one person or company who would it be?
Parker Brothers because they have a monopoly on the game Monopoly®.
93. Are you good at keeping secrets?
Wouldn't you like to know?
94. Would you ever want to learn to fly?
I'd like to ply a flain
95. Have you ever milked a cow?
Only through blackmail.
96. What's the cleverest word you know?
Smarty because it's smart enough to wear pants unlike all the other
words. Put some pants on Lugubrious! No one wants to see your dangling
lower case g.
97. Have you ever wielded a sword?
I tried but the sword was so big it was unwielding (aka I was too weak).
98. If you were famous would you want a statue or a building named
A building shaped like a statue.
99. Which do you prefer pony tails or pig tails?
On the animals themselves, for comedy, pig tails, for decency, pony
100. What's the ultimate cake topping?
Pie that dissolves the cake under it
101. Have you ever used the yellow pages?
I've used white pages as tp creating yellow pages
102. If you have an mp3 player what size is it?
103. Do you talk to yourself?
No since the incident
104. Do you know any identical twins?
Maybe if the world is mostly twins & they're all pranking me by
only showing up one at a time.
105. Could you ever be a medical Guinea pig?
No, medical people would figure out real quick that I'm human
106. What's your favourite letter of the Alphabet?
ZZZZZZ.. sorry fell asleep there. What was the question?
107. What are cooler? Dinosaurs or Dragons?
Dinosaurs because they don't breathe fire fool
108. Do you know CPR?
No. What is that a CCR cover band?
109. Have you ever cheated at a test?
Yeah my driver's test. I used a stunt butt.
110. Are you a gossip?
I don't know, what have you heard!?
111. Do you always wear identical socks?
Yeah & they're bitter about it
112. Do you like the sound of music?
I prefer to taste it. I have great musical taste.
113. Have you ever made your own orange juice?
Does tang count? It's orange.
114. Do you like long or short hair?
In my soup, short.
115. Have you ever walked into a wall?
If doorways count
116. What's your favourite precious stone?
I don't know, the necklace she wore?
117. Could you ever hunt your own meal?
If I was eating a gunless robot filled with candy.
118. Do you prefer vertical or horizontal stripes?
Diagonal stripes, it’s the best of both!
119. Can you name all 50 American states?
Yes, if by name you mean rename. North Vigoda here I come!
120. Have you ever owned a goldfish?
Nope just silverfish for me :(
121. Have you ever passed wind in an embarrassing situation?
You can't pass wind, wind passes you.
122. Have you ever played the bongos?
Yes that time bongos were bogo.
123. Have you ever assembled furniture by yourself?
Yeah, I lead a million Ottoman march on Fantasia
124. Do you have a favourite mug?
I did but it was shot.
125. Do you know any self-defense or martial arts?
I've got plenty of defense mechanisms. I'm like a self-defense machine
in that regard.
126. Do you collect anything?
No just certain things.
127. Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion?
Fashion not mattering
128. Do you stick to conventional fashions or like to try and be
Conventional? You mean like cosplay or you are you talking like a yarn
convention or something?
129. Have you ever given someone a handmade present?
Does a rabbit's foot count?
130. Are you introvert or extrovert?
I'm more introhoriz than introvert.
131. If you could have any feature from an animal what would you want?
Lucky rabbit's feet of course
132. Have you ever had a disastrous interview?
Yeah interviewing that dancing bear was a terrible idea.
133. Have you ever warn clothing with the labels/tags still attached?
Yeah those chumps are really clingy
134. If you saw someone drop a $10 note, would you claim it for your
own or try to return it to them?
I'd ask for half & provide exact change.
135. Have you ever helped someone across the road?
Yes, by "nudging" them repeatedly with my bumper.
136. Have you ever been horse-riding?
Yes, if you mean the horse riding me.
137. Have you ever walked a tightrope?
I walked a looserope, it is much more danerouser.
138. Do you have any family heirlooms?
This isn't 'ot 6 people don't use looms anymore!
139. Do you throw bread for ducks?
Yeah but no one ever throws me ducks back.
140. Are you any good at egg and spoon races?
Yeah I always win unless the egg is hatched down a chute
141. Are you tired of answering questions yet?
From this list no, from life in general, yes
142. Do you ever forward or reply to chain mails?
I would if I met a talking chain mail
143. Do you often have a tune in your head you can't name?
Yeah, legally they won't let me rename it, even though I had nothing to
do with it. Thanks a lot Warner/Chappell!
144. What do you do to keep fit?
Throw hissy fits. Hissing is the best breathing for cardio.
145. Are you the sort to step in and try to break up a fight?
Yep, it's the one way I can shove people without them getting mad at me.
146. Have you ever started a rumor?
No, I've never been popular enough to do that.
147. Have you ever been in or had a food fight?
I fight food all the time, it's called Kung Food.
148. Have you ever tried to make your own alcohol?
Yeah but I failed & my wound ended up being fatal.
149. If you invented a monster what would you call it?
The Semi-Annual Sordaspookster.
150. Is it criminal to wear socks with sandals?
Maybe in some beachern countries
151. If you were captain of a ship, what would you call it?
Captain Ship, The Sentient Boat that winces in pain when you walk on
152. If you were to join an emergency service which would it be?
Emergency Party Hats
153. If you were to join one of the armed forces which would it be?
The one where they give you 4 roboarms.
154. If you could have a full scholarship to any university what would
you choose to study?
The tastes of foods
155. What movie ending really frustrated you? And how would you change
I hate most modern movie endings because the copyright years at the end
of the credits don't use Roman Numerals anymore!!
156. If you had a warning label, what would yours say?
Toxic gas or Walking Non-Sequitur
157. Have you ever got sweet revenge on anyone?
No I keep my sweet revenge in a thermos, I never spill it.
158. Have you ever been to a live concert?
No, all the concerts I've been to were prerecorded.
159. Have you ever needed stitches?
Yeah, clothes ARE a need.
160. Do your dreams ever tell you to do anything?
I wish they'd tell me to get more sleep.
161. What's the best way to your heart?
162. Do you know your own mobile phone number by heart?
No, it's my brain that knows it.
163. Have you ever been in a submarine?
I've been in a submarine sandwich, rookie cannibals need to stop trying
to eat so fresh.
164. What's your favourite nursery rhyme?
165. Who's your favourite leader of all time?
There haven't been any leaders that lasted through all time.
166. What's your favourite farmyard animal?
If I like armadillo milk does that make it a farmyard animal?
167. How high can you jump?
13,000 feet because I'm counting jumping OUT of a plane.
168. Have you ever got majorly lost trying to get somewhere?
No, I don't know anyone named Majorly.
169. How fast can you say the alphabet?
A fifth of a second, it's just two words.
170. Do you say "Zee" or "Zed" to describe the letter Z?
This whole time I thought it was inaudible!
171. What was the last thing to make you feel happy?
The guy who made me feel the texture of his inspirational woodcarvings.
172. What was the last thing to make you feel angry?
This question because it reminded me that anger exists.
173. Are you the kind of friend you'd want to have as a friend yourself?
Of course, that is why I think.
174. Do you have any questions or queries about things you're just too
scared or embarrassed to ask anyone about?
What is this an ad for Google?
175. Can you roll your R's?
"Joke" about rolling physical R's somewhere
176. Do you know any magic tricks?
Silly rabbit, it's Lucky Charms that are magically delicious.
177. What's the largest amount of money you've ever won?
I won 3,000 in a robbery… because I stopped it, yeah that's it.
178. Do you prefer Honey or Jam?
Jam, because, I mean, honey is totally sweet, but jam rocks!
179. How fast can you get changed?
I'm not sure what my cell regeneration rate is, you nerd!
180. How fast do you type?
90WPM but I stereotype even faster
181. Which is better, Mario or Sonic?
As a child's name.. Sonic.
182. Which would you rather have if you had to, a broken leg or a
A broken leg because it would mean I did good at showbiz.
183. Have you ever had anything published?
I got my obituary published when I faked my death! Yeah!
184. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Babies probably love their mommas when they first see them.
185. How many remote controls do you have in your house?
That's oxymoronic. My house is not remote thus all the controls in it
are near controls.
186. Have you ever been in a hot tub or sauna?
I'm not microwaved leftovers why would I ever be in a hot tub?
187. Have you ever had chicken pox?
No, those pox were brave & very social because they spread to
everyone I've ever known & ever will meet.
188. What words do you always struggle to spell correctly?
Oh you want me to type them? You're sick!
189. If you discovered a new species of dinosaur what would you call it?
190. If you could have any celebrity's hair who's would it be?
The baldies because that's yuck I don't want to collect hair.
191. Who would you want to be with on a desert island?
A snowman because he'd keep me cool.. Aww crap he melted.
Solarpoweredrefidgeratorman, or whatever boat is alive that could take
192. If you could change your name to anything what would your new name
Anything. You gave me no other choice!
193. Have you ever planted a tree?
No but I planted a kiss on one. Tree huggers aren't dedicated enough!
194. What's the heaviest thing you can lift?
195. What was the last present you received?
196. What was your first alcoholic drink?
I've never brewed anything.
197. Have you ever carved a pumpkin?
No, whittling sticks aren't thick enough to approximate a pumpkin.
198. If you were a giant mega monster what city would you rampage?
Whichever one has the tastiest people.
199. Did you ever have a treehouse as a kid?
I mean one of the building materials was wood, so I guess so. Like, I
wasn't living in a bunker.
200. If you could replace one body part with a super bionic replacement
what body part and what features would the new bionic replacement have?
201. Teenage parents, good bad or indifferent?
Of course they're indifferent, they're teenagers.
202. What's the most expensive thing you've ever broken?
203. Pirate downloads, good or bad?
They've gotta get it on their boat somehow
204. Do you have to wear glasses?
No, I have hands for carrying my drinks.
205. Would you rather be the world's greatest football player or lover?
Lover because I'll never have to retire from it.
206. Do you have a list of things to do before you're 'x' years old?
I'm past 10 bud.
207. What are better, violins or pianos?
Pianos because they are better at storing strong cheeses
208. If you could see any band, which would you like to see?
I'd rather hear them but whatever.
209. What would you say is your favourite album of all time?
The one with my kids' pictures in it
210. How much would it cost to buy your love?
My plutonic love is always for rent.
211. Have you already thought about your babies names?
Yeah, that's why they have names.
212. Have you ever been fishing?
213. What makes you nostalgic?
Thinking about the future.
214. What's the scariest thing you've ever done?
Bugabuga! Gotcha! There it was!
215. If you had to describe yourself as a flavour, what would it be?
The sponge that cleaned the soft serve machine.
216. Do you wear sunglasses indoors to look cool or stylish?
They have outdoors now?
217. Do you have any superstitions?
"I'm afraid not."
January 31, 2017
No 1/17 Lessons🎓
No one wants to walk on egg shells, except a
proud mother hen.
No one likes to be told "You're A Coward," except little Johnny who has
just been adopted into the Coward family.
No one wants to break the rules, except the people who know the rules
No one wants their pants to fall down in public unless they're racing
No one wants to be left out, except pies that are cooling.
No one wants a tree to fall on them, except a tree hugger that wants to
take it to the next level.
No one wants to put mustard on a peanut butter & jelly sandwich
except mustard salesmen.
No one wants to be looked over, except dog show dogs.
No one likes to take the blame, except anonymous hackers.
No one wants a cop to shoot em unless the cop is also a photographer.
No one wants a thumb tack in their sock unless it’s hanging it from a
No one wants a cobra in their soup unless it’s cobra soup.
No one wants to get stuck in a rut except stickers. Because stickers
aren't picky they're sticky.
No one wants to throw their Life away, unless they left the box open
& it's stale.
No one wants to be insecure, except slutty Wi-Fi.
No one wants to go through life afraid, except stylish bath rugs that
think I said, "afrayed."
No one wants their wife to disappear, except magicians.
No one likes to be made to feel less than, except <.
No one wants a toilet full of candy unless it’s post digested.
No one likes to be told to shut up, except cartoon wardrobes eager to
show off their door flapping skills.
No one wants a burger made of wax unless it’s a candle.
No one likes to be told "You're no good," except students at the
No one wants to see that.. except people reading the word that.
No-one ever wastes money, suckers just pay non-suckers.
No one ever wants to run away from home. They want to run to a new home.
No one wants an orange filled with blood, unless you're a vampire that
No one likes to feel judged, except actors on trial in their first
No one wants a knife in their back, unless they’re having surgery,
No one likes to have egg on their face, except freaky-deek chickens.
No one wants to drop the chainsaws they're juggling except treasure
hunters trying to discretely saw through the floor so they can discover
the lost golden anvils of El Rey.
No one likes to be told "Your best friend has just died," except people
New Year's Resolutions📦
This year I resolve to watch less TV, by only
watching 2 TVs at a time.
This year I resolve to stop biting my nails. Instead I'll finally buy
that claw hammer & use it to remove my nails. I'll use a claw
to remove nails.
This year I resolve to eat less.. while holding my breath underwater.
This year I resolve to travel more because I hate dribbling.
This year I resolve to cross one thing off my bucket list by killing
This year I resolve to think before I go online & type.. jokes
without a punchline.
This year I resolve to learn how to be a better dog owner so I can
obnoxiously overgive people advice about it despite not having a dog
This year I resolve to save money by disinfecting take-a-penny
leave-a-penny trays, the #1 cause of Abeitis.
resolve to become I year This organized. more
This year I resolve to summit a mountain, after making a mountain out
of a mole hill.
This year I resolve to start a sole proprietorship & anytime
someone asks me about it I'll say, "It's none of your business."
This year I resolve to do more laughing.. maniacally in public.
This year I resolve to help more people cross the road, especially the
ones chasing a chicken.
This year I resolve to spend less time on social media by hiring a
retired helper monkey to give me the jist of it.
This year I resolve to exercise more... self-control... when it comes
to overusing... ellipses... starting tomorrow... ...
This year I resolve to quit the bad habit of.. making resolutions I'll
January Selfesque Sundays📣
Fun? You want fun? Well, Mr. Fun is my middle
People used to think my beard was fake (because I used to use glue as a
moisturizer on my face).
My abs are so strong there's no space between the muscles.
I don't take NOtes, I take YEStes because I believe in myself.
I like that they give us chairs at work it really boosts my morale, it
makes me feel like I'm the chairman.
January Monday Night Memories📻
Back in my day we had all our ducks in a row.
Then we hurled rocks at them & that's how we bowled.
Back in my day we didn't have cubes. The best we had was a
sqacirtrispir. It was a square on top, a circle on the side, a triangle
on the other side & an Archimedean spiral on the bottom. We
didn't have no time for high highfalutin 6 sided shapes. I never even
saw a heptagon until I was 30 years old!
Back in my day we didn't get participation trophies, we didn't get any
trophies. Graven images were not kosher.
Back in my day the only showers we could afford to take were when we
snuck our heads under people's watering cans. And doing that meant the
flowers didn't get watered properly & thus we robbed beauty
from the world.
Back in my day nobody had Underscore as a middle name.
January Tuesday Thanks🙏
Thank you mirror for always seeing eye to eye
Thank comforter for not being hard on me.
Thank you Tri-Leg Dutch Oven for standing up for other oven minorities.
Thank you Irish tailor for cutting me slack.
Thank you non-archeologists for not digging up the past.
January Weigh It Wednesdays💪
Your goat is a cannibal
Optimistic View: You can feed it goat figurines telling it
that they are shrunken goats.
Pessimistic View: I don't think the breeding is going to go
Your doctor is a zombie
Pessimistic View: That's not sanitary.
Optimistic View: I trust him more because he knows better
than any doctor that it sucks to be dead.
Your hamster ran away
Optimistic View: Wow look at him go! All that training paid
off! Who's regretting that $10 I spent on his wheel now?
Pessimistic View: If he falls through the crack in the floor
there'll finally be a downside to that sinkhole under the house.
Your pet fruit fly died young
Pessimistic View: Now what am I going to do with all this
rotten fruit I bought for his month day?
Optimistic View: They'll put me on tv for being crazy enough
to keep track of my infestations' lifespans!
January Think About it Thursdays👆
Is there anything toast can’t do? I mean,
except beg to not be eaten.
What's your favorite kind of basket to carry wet chalk in?
Why haven’t they invented a language where every word rhymes with
another? Brother, souther, mother, smother, grandmother, grandbrother.
Oh.. it's because only 6 words rhyme with another.
Would you wear a quality napkin coat?
January Friday's Feelings💕
I feel like a centipede with 2 feet.
I feel like cheese cubes rolling down the hilly street of my childhood
I feel like a 4 leaf clover wishing it could participate in autumn.
I feel like wearing a coat made of wax.
January Memba Whens🐘
Does anyone else remember that time when a
cactus fell off a truck into the middle of the street &
everyone obeyed it as a crossing guard?
Does anyone else remember that time when the mayor cracked down on
Does anyone else remember that time when the electricity went out
& all the candles instantly lit up?
Does anyone else remember that time we found out the house down the
street had 2 rooves when the roof fell off the roof because some kid
put a second roof on his house so he could boss his dad around?
January 29, 2017
January R̈́̄ã͐n͂̚d͒͝o͒͐m͌̀ Acts of Kindness🏃
1. Dress up like a boss & go around
telling people they're fired at a place you don't work so they can be
relieved later that they still have a job or relieved that they no
longer have to work because they went home mid-shift after a stranger
dubiously terminated them.
2. Take the your new pet killer whale to the circus to laugh &
enjoy its freedom. The big top has the only entrance that you can fit
its giant water tank through.
3. Discover twins' need for a dual rocking horses toy & invent
Rocken Oxen, "Extra yoked!"
4. Install mini-saunas into neighbors' mailboxes so their mail can
already be opened for them.
5. Found a Benny Hannas style ice-cream shop & employ down on
their luck clowns to juggle scoops.
6. Out of respect Legally rename your dog with the name of your
sibling's dead childhood cat, Mewy Purrmurrs III.
7. Rob a grave, resell the casket to a poor family, give the paltry sum
of money you made on the sale to the deceased's family.
January 28, 2017
How many silk hacksaws I can put you down for?
⧉ 6.12 (7th one is damaged, you get the 1/8 at a discount).
▣ I'm not sure how many silk hacksaws it would take to kill me. As a
saw I'd die of old age before it could kill me. Oh? It's frozen silk?
Ech, I don't want to think about this right now!
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
+=- Raincoat odometer avalanche disguise.💖
I've made a bacon comb, this was my dream. It
has all the features a bacon comb needs. A felony prevention kit, a
presence indicator, a bacon strip ridger, & a wad of wool to
soak up the extra grease.
I've got a canopy to prevent clams from falling on my head. I'm the
director of excitement! Goodbye. Ravioli filled with pudding, come
nigh. I ruffle spirit feathers like a gastropod. These holes must be
from jumbo gophers so with my lute I will laud.
I've got a badge showing that I have a beak in case you look at my
chest instead of my face because I keep my branch shaped candy close to
my heart. I drive an Uber but just for couples who need booster seats
when they sit on thrones.
I like to pitch softballs at birds who wear carnations to control the
poet spiders' incantations. I like billboards with butchers on em
chopping eight steamrollers on the streets of autumn.
Criminal with a portfolio surprise sculptures a shelf into a
nanoparticle. Pentagon stamp fights with lemonade thermometer. Conga
line during soccer game ends with bloodied limbs.
Leopard pineapple interior. Towel throws a temper, temper throws in the
towel. I knock over waiters & steal the shattered glasses to
use as pillow stuffing for my guest room where my enemies stay.
Unfortunately meteors don't have a double edge criteria for slamming
into the earth. Please tornadoes don't pilgrimage! Weekend utensils
depart like toothbrushes protesting a soda bar. I'm shooting sausage at
a ladybug & it's darting like a disco surname.
If concrete falls on you your wrist will become a windshield, it will
be cracked like a lonely shark's mirror. Surprise bathtub. Nylon leafs
on fire. I'm a charlatan backbone. I deliver stew emulation. I am the
sultan of inviting typewriters to debufont balls.
My bicycle made of kleenex weighs an ounce. I hate that I can't name a
cat Misses Claws without it sounding Christmassy. We are money flying
out of a jet's wallet. Platinum sundial. Carrot drumsticks need salt
tonight. Father-figures by the pound.
Blowgun in a salon cleans your hair of leaves & bones. Swan
carcass pillow. How feathers feel aftershocks. A tank as a postbox. You
row me away through mounds of water. Story-telling catsup booster
megaphone station during riot.
Aliens eat foam they are not alone that's why they're called alien$.
Recording a zebra's thoughts for its children. If you fall asleep
somewhere weird you make a fluke bedroom. Ovals aren't laughing at
migrating switchboards in 20ths century part B. Cardboard shorts make
you feel special while crying. Gemsbok rams poison in my hands. In my
hands sphere watch breaks deals it made with Pavlov Pavilions.
Hobby confusion, entertained by aluminum glands. Quasi-limit existence
or we won't be stable. I hate the tablecloth sized page. It makes me
allergic to the non-numeric timeline.
Dogsled hats in industries of neologism randomize one shade of a color.
Pocket-watch headlights play chess with dragon mothers. Radio
decongestant isn't good for your ears.
Watering ripples flood your dresser with piranha prose recruits.
They call them fireflies because fire doesn't swim.
Episodes of Boo! Bub? Boo. Bluh?
Down Home Southern Baby Shower
Dad's 62nd Birthday at Work & More
New Years Play
Love Fell Like Leaves
of Swingn' Lovers!
Meadow View Charms
Saying it without 1,000 Words
What My Chick & I Saw
Some Things Afoot
Golfulating IX Disc Golfulating
The Battle for
I saw the
Micey w/ Emperor MAR
Trapped in a
The Years Gone
Micey at American Apparel
Goes to the Moon
Tae Kwon Dumb
& Lori The Wedding
Together For a Better Tomorrow
April 22, 2005
Chump On A Log
Sanctioned Official Piemerican Party
(The Joe) Legend
Punch My Cat
in the Face
Piemerican Elementary Knews