Back in the day I did what I wanted to
On time I was very happy
One time I was feeling fine
Then the sun suddenly faded.
Then it came back again but would not stay
Now the time has passed away
What did I do to be in the shadows, imprisoned there everyday?
In the shadows everyday if anything mattered there that thing was nothing at all.
I'm tired of life
I just want to end it all
So I am going to go to a huge building that scrapes the sky
Then I'll be scrapped off after I die
Coming out of my house seems to give me even more trouble
I want to go to the tallest building on earth just to look all around
It's beautiful up here in the sky
This is one place I don't really want to leave
But if I never come down the twisted way & go back to life
I would wish I went the fast way instead
I know nearly nobody down there wants me
Deep inside of me I feel the urge coming
I love it here
I don't want to leave unless it's crashing down
This is my dream
When I hit the cement..
Don't hold me back
Stay out of my way or I'm going to make you into it
I'm coming down on top of you
Totally black & red
2
I don't have because I don't want
Nothing matters unless I want it to
There are no consequences
Don't care because I can't
And this is tearing me all up inside
Kill or die?
Comments are useless
Feelings are dead
I want to rip out my guts or sever my head
Kill me way beyond dead
After I die & rot in the dark shadows of my so untragic death
No one cared so I feel better & worse
If I don't make use of it
On all these things I am bent
They shatter across the cement
3
So saddened
So distraught
Peeling off the sidewalk
Dead & waiting for a chance
There is denial because I don't say there is
Leave me be all alone
No one should come near me
Get away I don't need you hanging around
Come to me F. C.
4
I'm gonna kiss the sky goodbye
What a beautiful thing to break a birds wings when it's flying oh so high
Maybe I'm just celebrating
Trying to feel better
I thought I was better than this
Soon I maybe but for now I'm ready to splatter on the ground
I can't stand the smell
I don't have anything else
Before my feelings hit the fan I try to unplug it
I don't want them to die
Still I'm broken in half
I'm breaking even more as times goes by
How can I keep sinking lower?
How can I die any slower?
The sun doesn't shine anymore through the clouds
It still doesn't work as I'm slowing down below absolute zero
I'm so hot & when it's hot it's hard to sleep
It's terrible when it is hottest at midnight
I don't want to sleep
Maybe the big sleep?
I don't know because it's hard to tell
Maybe I'm still living the lie just about all the time
Except when I am crying out my eyes
Empty sockets filled with tears
I know sometimes I get frustrated
Frustration is one of the worst things possible when unresolved
I know sometimes I get angry
I will do nothing
Why try when you don't know why?
For me life was made for dying
Lay me down in it right now
Lay me deep
Bury me in it
Take me out of here
Let me in it
5
Anywhere I turn it is Hell
I'm not telling you anything
What I am running away because I don't care about me
I am nowhere & that is the best place I've ever been
If I could live another life I would kill myself in it too
To pick up this knife & cut it all away
So it's come to this & I really mean it
6
Do you think I could fit through the window?
"Oh, no"
How can I feel good in eternal winter
Chilled inside the bone
Solidly froze
Horribly thought in & out
Happiness is nothing but a lie that was never told
But anywhere I turn it is Hell
Even in my skull
It is Hell
7
Please give me some more
Is anyone wait at all for me, anywhere?
Do I really care?
But now I want it one by one
Slow by slowly
I wish I could get back to that building way up high
Take me back to that lovely building scraping the sky
With hundreds of people to take out below
I can't stay away from death
I can't stay away from the end
Just like a magnet
A cursed man clinging on the horrible things
I have no idea how I will me it through this
Anywhere I turn it is eternal winter in Hell
And it's hottest at midnight even there
There's no time to leave
To leave it all alone & be quiet is the answer
Be quiet until it's over
If it's not or you don't know jump out of the highest window
So high you have to get in a place to see it
So high the sky recedes below & you're directly next to a star
I love that building
It is my only escape
Only at the very top
For once I'd like to be falling up
Because I am so down none can see me
We all make mistakes but I fake it
8
Just for this I call upon my other self to keep me on
"Come on return to nothing"
The second most thing that gets to me
Someone I won't be able to see
From a far my lobster rig can tell time
The time we have been apart
I know the reason for this
The longer we put it off the longer we continue to wear it
Just like me, I do
It's not my fault as much or more than it was
I can't stop so why try?
Because anywhere I turn it is Hell
And even if I don't it is Hell
We need thicker walls to separate
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I hate it
I am ready to go after this song
In my driveway & so far away
This is where I want to die a beautifully untragic death
The only other place I would die is at the bottom of the building
I look at it from the parking lot
I've taken too many shots
I hope nobody sees me
My walls are getting left behind
My sun will never spin again
The sky is crashing down
9
A hole covered & not seen
Empty & clean
I have no skin
Dying & cracking
Losing my color
A streak of light comes in & dies
Make me bigger in the summer
I am more than all alone
I have less than no one
Kick me out of my house so I can go back to the building
The building is all I want
The end is all I need
Scraping the sky
Then scraping me off the side walk
Cement busted & broken & laying scattered
10
Are you breaking me?
Am I faking it?
Am I gone into F.C.?
Faded, lost, hopeless, born once with a forged signature but no certificate
Ink spilled all over me & the cement & some around me
It was red
Red everywhere I could see
But nothing is any other color
I need a different red to wash it all away
But at this point I'm speaking of I had nothing
11
Six to seven o' four p.m. on a Tuesday the last day of August
F.C. 2 I write
The most emotionally powerful & draining song in my life
I read the song aloud & cried, sheet wrapped tight around my neck
I ain't got no hope, nothing at all
12
The next day my birthday
When I read it
The worst day of my life
I had never been worse
Crying all day
Dying all day
Nothing but death & killing on my mind
Nothing else has ever been this way
Life is what I hated more than anything
Hold me close
Who could I have talked to?
No one on earth
They encouraged me to end it all
I felt like i did during the survey but hundreds worse
13
Surely no one, nothing felt me back then
All I ever wanted back then was reconciliation
The second most thing being death
Change was the best over me
I couldn't change I wouldn't change
At least not yet
14
Maybe outside of a window or nothing at all
That is how I got my kicks
You'll never see me write this again
It's all over now
That way I'll go to the next
Called after & then enlightened with change
Change that came over me
The change that could do the same for you
Can't you see
You can't stop F.C.