April
4/1/04
When the dust settles be hospitable.
4/2/01
If you have been vitally injured & the only person to help you is
your moron friend who has to call 411 to get the # for 911 you probably
won't live through the night.
Even a simple container busts when poorly smashed.
Mastering the game of golf is difficult, but not as difficult as
breathing (in outer space).
4/3/01 Flash Forward Edition: 2036 Piemerica
These new jet packs going around may seem fun but they can give you
cancer if you crash into a cancer testing center.
Three Day Flashback Edition
The only way I know to get out of a cage is not getting in it.
???
Taking residence in a shoe improves can lake cord have seat blast crop
ham yacht bone valid activity.
4/3/04
Ice Cream cones can be used as hats in emergencies.
4/4/01 Catastrosphere's Lesson
If trying to train a German Shepard it is easier when not wearing a
suit made of meat.
Drinking Books cannot buy you a house. Drinking books can however
get you thrown into a mental ward.
4/5/01
Hands are no match for zcalvs, the 1,600 B.C. name for hands.
4/5/04
The hardest lesson to learn is the one given by us.
4/6/01
A chemical reaction
if you are looking for answers first you need questions.
Cars cannot fly so stay away from that downed bridge.
BONUS Lessons!!!
16%
Busy People have a problem with not being able to turn into sugar.
Cats can see at night, by this I conclude many people sleep at night.
Paint does not wash windows well.
Cans don't bleed unless they are full of blood.
Giant rocks can't swim.
4/6/04
Roads don't hit back.
4/7/02
Old mayonnaise may be wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise
won't give a life defying disease.
Signs that say "soliciting not welcome" do not prohibit soliciting. It
just means the people are impolite.
4/7/04
Always stay close to the door & don't ask me "What for?"
4/8/02
If your cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water.
Shoes protect your feet but they aren't good to eat unless they're
filled with food.
If your ever find yourself in a tree & you want to get out of it
just make sure you don't C a B or else it'll be a different letter.
If you're gonna kill make sure to thrill. That way people won't get as
mad.
Feeling dirty? Then get off your soap box because that's where your
soap is.
4/8/04
Never whisper behind someone's back. Whispering is enough.
4/9/02 Flash Forward Edition!:
You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't
heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.
Popsicles will never stop being popular unless the name is changed.
Whenever you think to yourself "the only way to sop is with a mop?" You
should think "I'm an idiot with no life because why should I ask myself
a statement that's so true."
Flash Forward Edition
Computers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mail men.
When fishing with a pine cone there's always gonna be a little bit of
sorrow from the seal.
If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish.
4/10/02
If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword.
Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.
Hailing a cab is sacrilegious.
When a baby leaks some call it an accident. When a car leaks the hole
is plugged.
If you cover your ears before something loud happens w-ho are you to
tell the future?
You're really selfish when you don't even share coughs & sneezes.
4/11/02
I trained the train to run me over. I was sad to see it go.
It is impossible to stand at the end of a line because a line never
ends.
You like lessOns? Well I'll tell you one thing that won't lessEn...my
weight.
If 47 plateaus won't make you smile... then you probably don't like
plateaus.
When you are sick here's a trick "eat poison"
Getting hit in the head with a hammer & not getting a head ache
usually means you are no longer alive.
Almond sized teapots do not contain plant ripped mobile homes, just
stationary.
Rock malfunction? There's nothing you can do.
4/12/02
If ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry away
for it will stink there soon.
When someone says "bombs away" there's no need to worry bombs are not
near.
Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that
is.
Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says "you
will become rich" not "your well became wretch."
If storing corn in a shed don't shed the corn 1st.
Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human
race as long as they do not run in competitiveness.
Making a time machine is easy. Take apart a clock & put it back
together.
Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked land
mines.
If you think winter is cold just wait till after fall then it will be
cold.
Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look
as something else.
Someone ever tell you to "clean up that spill' but you don't see a
spill. Spill something on them. Then they'll say "This bucket of rice
develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in an
random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant.
Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic
memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.
4/12/04
If you are ever late don't worry but instead be in a hurry.
4/12/10
Every day is a new day.. except yesterday and all the days before it.
So really today is the only new day.
News is ok but of course no news is good news right?
Being caught on fire isn't as bad as being caught while on fire because
there is more than one person involved in the second situation.
If you are pessimistic about pessimism you are an optimist.
Preflexes are better than reflexes.
There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid
statements.
4/13/02
Take a map of your nap you'll be surprised where you have gone.
Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task.
Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking
the bad way.
Don't go on a trip because public urination is illegal.
Don't polish a match book with gasoline.
Don't let a pouch scare you. Only be afraid of 2 pouches.
Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down.
Wrinkled pieces of paper aren't old they just smoke a lot.
Don't shoot a canteen it's frightened by flashes.
If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.
If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.
4/13/10
People use the phrase "out like a light' but if a light is out it isn't
a light anymore.
Flashback Edition (6/12/05)
The S in Swell stands for super. Swell means super well.
Trying is better than dying unless you are trying to die.
A blem is like a minor problem y'know like a blemish.
A problem is like a pro blem it has been professionally hired to bug
you.
While falling down the stairs is bad falling up the stairs is much
worse because it indicates that either gravity has changed or you are
in something that is upside down.
Most entertainment is crap because there are about a trillion stars per
person yet no film or record gets more than 5 stars.
4/14/04
When competing on a game show, remember nothing is real.
4/14/05
Calm is always easy before the storm.
4/14/10
Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.
A photo ID can confirm your identity. Your face can confirm that you
own a photo ID.
When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal
communication and not other noises they may make.
A good idea is to put a pillow in your backpack. It will give you
comfort while standing and walking like you never thought possible.
Putting a backpack in your pillow is not a good idea unless you have
already put a pillow in your backpack.
The great thing about performing stunts in a wheelchair is that if you
get hurt you already have a wheelchair.
4/15/09
The past always seems like more fun than the present but
only because the past is much longer.
4/15/10
Fun Food Fact: Humans invented pizza in the past.
An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.
Wow! Now this lesson is something! Of course almost anything is
something.
England is the easiest place in the world to lose pounds.
When you use the phrase "More or less" you cover all possible options.
Jealousy turns enemies into rivals.
The common usage of mirrors solidify the backwards views of some.
Fun Food Fact: God invented fruit on the third day.
4/16/09
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't, if you don't have a horse.
4/16/10
Here's a good 1.
If you don't not not have nobody it is because you are too negative!
Wheels were put on desk chairs because too many lazy people would lean
over and fall out of their chairs to reach for things instead of
getting up.
Every moment is the greatest moment of itself.
Claw hammers cannot be used properly by clawed animals.
Manliness has gone from taming wild animals that roar to controlling
inanimate engines that roar.
4/17/09
Anyone can be an amputee but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.
4/17/10
People sometimes say "Cheers!" before drinking an alcoholic beverage.
This is funny because what they are drinking is actually booze.
When someone invites you to their home and refers to you as company
they are hinting that their relationship with you is not personal.
Cursive handwriting is rarely used to write curses. This is interesting
because the formal look to the writing makes one wish to oblige to its
otherwise violently forceful suggestion.
Being fortunate is having unexpected good fortune or being lucky. Being
unfortunate is being unlucky. But unfortunate is really just less than
fortunate so it could just be regular fortune instead of bad fortune.
One day you'll get older and that day is today, tomorrow, and all the
days after that.
Trains are invisible except for the solid parts.
4/18/09
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but only if the beholder's eyes
are beautiful.
4/19/09
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, except
when your child goes missing.
4/20/04
Look both ways before you cross the street because you never know what
you may step in.
4/21/09
If you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth your mother didn't
understand proper prenatal nutrition.
4/22/04
If you have a fear of failure you mind as well just stay scared.
4/23/05
One of the worst ways to taste da feet is to get kicked in da mouth.
4/24/09
If you're eaten out of house and home don't build your house out of
gingerbread next time.
4/27/03
Instead of being interesting I'm just resting.
- >Legend<
If people's skulls were transparent some people would be embarrassed.
It's easy to be a pickpocket just choose.
Never Invite the paparazzi to a party with balloons.
4/27/04
The best storage container is the one that can contain your love for
storing things.
4/28/03
The one thing the past has taught me is that time goes by.
The things I am reminded of the most are memories.
When I'm looking at my folder I have a paper view.
4/28/04
Don't be afraid of trees but instead the bees near by.
4/29/03
If your puppet cries put it in the dryer.
Vampire bats make great hats. The problem is they want to be necklaces.
When planning for the future use a calendar.
When planning for the past.. don't plan for the past.
If your water cries throw it on the fire.
An excellent way to start a diet is to eat glue.
When face to face with a dastardly salesman don't nod.
4/29/04
Never take a wild stab in the dark.
4/30/01
The only way to truly lye on a bridge is to get hit by a car. Then you
are lying flat on the bridge.
4/30/03
Rituals can become ritualistic so spice it up by setting pepper on fire
& throwing it in your face.
If you plan to eat turkey on thanksgiving, it has been done.
When crashing a car on purpose remember you are crashing a car on
purpose!
If bees had fleas I think I would sneeze.
The best time to catch a thief is daylight savings time say "Don't
forget to give back my clock."
"Home is where the heart is" does not mean to cut out people's hearts
& live there or sell them you real-estate agents you.
If tea isn't your cup of tea.. thermos maybe?...
If you want to beat someone up, beat up a mime. They can't yell for
help or tell on you.
Sweep a vacuum. Vacuum a broom.
If you can't beat 'em join 'em unless they're beating you
Money isn't everything, if it was everything would look the same.
Bright light can burn the skin. No light can burn within.
If your moth likes cucumber shoes & you don't have light serf, buff
your floor with mashed up salmon hair until the dog eats a envelope of
varnish & then tackle a infected tree.
4/30/04
Ice cubes are excellent substitutes for chill pills.