May
5/1/01
The fastest way to pass 2 hours is to set your clock wrong & walk
by.
5/1/03
You can't write with a chalkboard.
Washing clothes can lead to more stains than ever before like the stain
of your freedomalistic obligation.
When arguing at sea don't go overboard.
Trying to contort one's palm always comes up empty handed.
Confiscating without cause is theft.
If you are ever in an autocar accident say "I am a wreck"
May is the most polite month.
The best thing about eating sharp or pointy inanimate objects is that
they don't scream although you do.
Digging up a corpse is fun as long as you don't get done.
If your shoes are giving you the blues you need bigger shoes.
The funniest thing about Laffy Taffy is the secret ingredient M42one.
The old saying "Put your oven in the toaster it will work better"
really means 'put your toaster in the oven, baste, & eat.'
Mice are nice they just have hideous emotional problems.
Never watch a scary movie at a murderer’s house.
5/1/04
Eat slowly when wearing a coat.
5/2/01
Just tell yourself you made it. Then if you loose you won't feel as bad
because you think you were already there.
5/2/03
If you want to sound smart don’t fart!
Don’t fart anyway.
Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper but regular Dr.
Pepper doesn’t taste more like Diet Dr. Pepper.
Never step on an archer’s toe or else he might get the bow!
Swaying your eyebrows is the wave of the future.
Magnets have peels in their circuits.
20 candy bars = bag of sugar
A large hill is like a cathartic pillage..
Always dip your fire extinguisher in gasoline everyday.
If you love ice & steam but hate water, you have a long life ahead
of you.
When training to fight practice on a cactus, so you will either
increase your tolerance for pain or have sharp fists.
…
Move to a third world country before you die.
If you’re having trouble going to sleep have sleep come to you (in the
form of the back of a shovel).
5/2/04
You can take a stroll in a bowl if you use it as a shoe & have a
lot of glue.
5/3/01
A lesson of/for the day is good for teaching & getting people to
say go away.
5/3/03
Homeless people can be homely.
Table salt is best used when eating a table.
If you are old & gray, painting will go a long way.
Never tell an obese man about a savage beating.
He may think you said a savage eating!
Refrain from whispering in the moonlight, the trees will hear
everything.
Never look at a cloud in the sky while it's eating a piece of pie.
As the world turns.. put a "kick me" sign on its back.
Next time you hear about the Million Man March don't kill a million men
in March.
How to tell if a kid has talent:
If a kid has no friends & is able to make up stories as if it did,
the kid won't wear a wig in the summer.
Coin collectors should be rich.
Ever wonder who would win a fight between numbers & letters?
It would probably be numbers because they out number the letters.
If you want fast cash run with it or something stupid & unfunny
like that.
If you need money get rid of your toilet & sell fertilizer.
5/3/04
If you smile while soaping up with Dial you can be in a commercial.
When one finds out that one is worth more dead than alive, it is a
natural move to fake one's death.
If you find out that you are worth more dead than alive don't tell your
friends.
When you're told "there is nothing to fear but fear itself" fear
almonds too, just for good measure.
Open your suitcase. Are there suits inside? If not you are a liar!
5/4/01
Giant trees with tennis racquets do not grow in indoor gardens.
5/4/04
Dangerous situations require decisive action. Delicious situations
require dicing action.
If you don't care forever you don't care at all.
You can stop avoiding the Noid now.
When food is hurled it is a shame to the world (world meaning
incredibly fat guy).
Double your Will power by kidnapping.
5/5/03
If you don't like foil. BURN EVERYTHING!
5/5/04
It is customary to throw rice at weddings, not dice.
Wearing the same clothes often can confuse people's memories.
If you get dizzy while eating Doritos®
stop spinning! (note please give us free Doritos for mentioning
you Frito-Lay)
Don't take candy from strangers that is stealing.
Flashback Edition:
Double reverse equals go.
5/6/04
The following classic statement was spoken in a conversation between
two fat people & should only be replicated as such.
"Whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you."
The rubber & glue part was added later.. to protect the non
inno¢ent.
To live in a land is to live in a cave.
Lonely? Then pick up the phone & don't dial. You'll have a nice one
sided conversation.
Headset phones should be called headphones.
Hide & go seek gone wrong:
You have a skeleton in your closet.
5/7/01
If someone takes something of yours & puts it in a light plastic
bag, with a lock on it, rip the lock off the bag & look inside
because there's probably a key to the lock in the bag.
5/7/04
Ground up=Air
All good friends eventually have a dead end.
Nobody ever said I want to be an envelope when I grow up, nobody.
Cut & Paste is a term invented by bad doctors.
When an ox wears a crown you should be sad because of your poorness.
5/8/01
The chemical make-up of soap is very feeble. In other words don't wash
an orange.
5/8/02
If you ever wonder where you'll end up, the answer is:
Wherever you find money on the ground.
5/8/04
When a lazy man punches in a comic it should say slack as a sound effect.
When your knob is broken opening a door can be a bore.
Being hesitant of speaking in a difficult situation is a normal thing
but when you eat a laser under the table realize that it is not a
normal thing.
Lesson Mania Week more like Lesson Mania Weak!
Women like fire may look good but touching them can be dangerous.
Strong men can turn cans into can knots.
With a simple stroke of a brush the can of brushes become saddened.
5/9/01
Just because you make something doesn't mean you own it. This
especially goes for factory workers.
5/9/02
You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.
5/10/01
An air crash doesn't make a plane go faster. So don't try to blow one
up if you're late.
5/11/01
Candles are useful to light up the night. Candles are not useful to
light up the night where a gas mane ruptured.
5/12/09
Zebras were glad when prison jump suits were changed from striped to
solid colors.
5/13/09
If you're a man and you think the woman's place is the kitchen that is
fine to think but just don't ever say it out loud.
5/14/01
The micro-cultures of this world will not stand for our ruling over
them with soap. This is because they don't have legs.
5/14/07
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.
Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag.
However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.
Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.
Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.
Boys will be boys.. until they group up.
Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.
Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.
Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat
after about 15 minutes.
Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.
Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off
confusion.
5/15/01
Soup is hot when heated. The garden looks good when weeded. Pork does
not have seed in it.
5/15/03
Never say "things can't get worse" because then here comes the hearse.
5/15/05
The funniest things in life are always
unexpected so please don't expect our lessons to be puns & they'll
be funnier.
People who fish in the stream of consciousness are usually hungry.
Face your fears by doodling & make them
look friendly so you will no longer fear them.
Be cautious of being too cautious such as
being cautious about being cautious.
You shouldn't fight over friends unless they
are shorter than you.
When you express happiness when someone has
died that is good mourning.
Americans prefer to store fat in their spare
tire rather than air.
One thing that can ruin your LIFE brand cerealTM
is running out of milk.
Jealousy is incredibly dangerous because its
description resembles that of The Hulk.
The highest that one can count is in an
airplane.
Wild celebrations may lead to dangerous
abrasions.
Taking action is taking action.
If you have to consult your physician you
need a new one.
Driveways are used for parking too.
If you act stupid that means you're really
smart.
When it rains it pours but not rain.
Take a stroll down your street & wave to
all the smiling faces but don't worry you won't have to wave much if at
all.
You cannot plan to make mistakes.
People who use drugs usually get their brains
scrambled.
Charlie Brown could have been called Charlie
Horse because horses are brown sometimes.
To keep warm in a blizzard use a blanket of
snow.
Wealthy people usually have a wealth of
arrogance.
An obese biker eating a ham sandwich is a hog
on a hog eating a hog.
Flashback Edition:
Smiling will cheer anyone up.. except the toothless.
5/15/07
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.
Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and
marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren
celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.
If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it
sad and then it will rain.
Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.
If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in
the reply, say "Because I don't know."
Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.
To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has
bark.
If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If
you're red you're corn fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick
type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you
laughed at this list you're a racist.
Physical fights always have sore losers.
5/16/03
If you have a butt-load of money stop eating money!
5/16/05
Some people may find that if they don't give a dog a bone
it will take it.
People who are underweight are easily crushed.
The most common things raised on Amish farms
are barns & children.
It is called beauty sleep yet most people who
claim it look terrible in the morning.
Being afraid of heights is ok unless you are afraid of heights in which
you aren't poised on.
You gotta fight for your right to party but
not for your right to be tardy because no one has that right. Be on
time!
Happiness is like a drug except it is harder
to obtain.
Some people would talk less if they actually listened to themselves.
If you want to reach your full potential use
a stick.
When life gets you down say "Thank you."
There is a surplus of idiocy in the world
today yet idiocy is very costly.
Exit signs never leave.
So much in life is a mystery but mostly just
history.
It isn't a good idea to scratch your head.
Being selfish isn't being like yourself but
liking yourself too much.
Booby traps are the best traps to fall into.
You shouldn't worry that people who say to
you "Good night" will kill you in your sleep.
Similar also are people who say "Good day" except they may kill you in
your sleep.
It isn't wise to be stupid.
Slick surfaces are revered by nerd surfaces.
A good place to fast is to fast in your
seatbelt.
A pick ax is like a magic 8 ball except used
for much more dangerous decisions.
Having a club foot & knowing a martial
art would be a fun combination.
Even the mightiest pie was once a recipe.
Left just isn't right.
5/16/07
It is better to be insane than incrazy.
Never underestimate the number nine.
Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug
into learning.
Dotted I's are I lids.
Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.
Think before you act or you'll act dumb.
Computers are like people they older they get the slower they are.
If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.
There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs
as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend
is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really
distracts from the show.
If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for
you yet.
If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you
shouldn't have tried this at all.
Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say
that it's a new style of tattoo.
5/17/05
Most people never get their deepest desires fulfilled
because they can't stand the pressure.
The sky is the limit but not for astronauts.
People who tend to panic for no apparent
reason have an advantage of not having to "stay calm" when directed to
because they were never calm to begin with
The more you eat the worse it is when on your feet.
If the highest number you can count to is 10 invest in some chicken
fingers.
Small rocks are trustworthy.
A friendly smile can light up a person's day
but so can giving the person a lamp.
If danger is your middle name your parents
were quite fearless people.
'People who need people' are agents &
lawyers. Sure they are lucky but what about us?
Elevator operators are often in pressing situations.
People who are bitter should have never been
tasted in the first place.
The worst way to give your child the sex talk
is by personally showing them how it is done.
A club sandwich is the easiest club to join.
Being safe doesn't involve bees.
Simply breathing can be referred to as
"blowing your nose"
Only fools rush in..to things while in
shopping carts.
You can't always say 'the right thing'
because people will become annoyed at your repetitions & shut your
mouth.
Fans catch baseball games, the baseball
players catch the baseball yet they are the ones who get paid.
Airplanes are easier to wish upon & they
kinda look like shooting stars too.
Mobsters are often confused when told to take out the trash.
Gaining weight isn't enough you must keep it
to impress people who eat lots of pie.
Flashback
Edition:
You can change the world if you use a shovel.
People who do nothing truly have unlimited potential.
Right angles like to gloat.
5/17/07
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they haven't chose to get a job.
If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.
In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten
your own hand.
It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.
If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.
It is not OK 2 OD.
If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your
presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you
actually wanted.
When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square.
Well.. not square.
People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.
Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have
caused it. Eat pie instead.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.
5/18/05
Sharing is caring unless you share your opinion on push
brooms.
A problem with a museum can be dealt with by facing or defacing.
Don't believe everything you hear because
sometimes you will hear lies.
Percentage wise people who lie in the middle of the road did not do it
by choice.
Capital punishment isn't listening to a
boring speech.
Drifters don't walk with a purpose.
Someone who mimics you without permission is
guilty of copyright infringement.
Feather dusters are used to dust feather
dusters.
It is good to lend a helping hand as long as
it hasn't be severed unless of course someone needs a new hand.
When everything is fine it is hard to see yet
enjoyable to look at.
Walking past the past benefits you none &
you are doomed to repeat it until you think "wow I sure didn't like
that one lesson"
Having a pitiful life stinks.
Instead of buying a car buy money because if you ever need to sell
money it likely won't have gone down in value as much.
Sadly in the 80s many poor kids had to play
with the other kind of transformers. May God rest their souls.
Your days are numbered if you obey a calendar.
Be patient with your enemies because if you
don't they will kill you sooner.
The sun played a concert & it did a sun
set.
I don't mean to burst your bubble & that
is why I made this lesson instead.
Just as the USA has a threat level color
system so do most people. When someone turns red that person is highly
dangerous.
People who watch their back have trouble seeing where they are going
but they do know where they have been.
Some people tell you "It is not polite to
point" yet those same people have no problem pointing that out to you.
Bad company corrupts good characters. We're
talking about Warner Brothers.
Ignorant Lesson:
Climbing a mountain is much like climbing a fountain except you don't
get wet.
5/18/07
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it
in their back.
People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties,
and hundreds.
Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term
miscommunication was created.
Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.
All reptiles are cold hearted.
Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a
hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."
Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that
protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're
alone.
Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.
5/19/04
If you don't expect anything it makes what you do get all the better.
5/19/05
A fresh can of soda cannot fix a flat tire.
Love can be fleeting but so can ships.
You can't pick your family but you can pick
your familyout of
a police line up.
If you knew everything you learned you'd be as smart as you are now.
Lazy people try to jog their memories of
things in order to not sound bad when their friends & co-workers
talk about jogging.
I sight is precious because without it lots of words wouldn't make
sense.
Surprisingly it is more dangerous to carry a
windshield around in a hurricane.
Every time you turn the page know that in the
time you spent on that you did age.
If practice makes perfect then no one has
ever practiced.
If someone knocks a hole in the wall let them
know they were supposed to knock on the door.
Be careful what you wish for because you are
almost certain to be disappointed.
If you enjoy pain you may also enjoy Maine
because it is painfully cold there.
To think & blink at the same time you
probably have to be thinking about blinking.
It is not what you do that counts but rather
why you do it. Unless what you do is count.
Cows never utter a word.
Taking the Bible out of context is like
trying to bake a cake with only one ingredient, it's not going to be
any good & cake never is anyway.
It is wise to say to your clock "Do not be
alarmed"
Being in trouble isn't as bad as being in
lava. Well actually being in lava is also being in trouble but I'm sure
more people think "I'm in lava!" when in lava rather than "I'm in
trouble." Ok now that I think about it people in lava probably aren't
alive enough to think about things. So.. lava is hotter than java.
Most people just condition their air rather
than their bodies.
The reason why math is important is because
of the principal of divide & conquer.
Violence is never the answer because there is
no question as to whether you should use it.
People can listen to the radio but they can't listen to each other.
Drinking from a straw always sucks.
You cannot put a piranha in a toilet as a
practical joke on a friend because if you do this person obviously
wasn't your friend.
5/19/07
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.
Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but
if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do
it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.
Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work
late.
Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their
home planet.
A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.
You can't take public transportation to a private event.
If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was
the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want
some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That
fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me
son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll
spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks
later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends
with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle
'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their
cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll
start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss
me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of
my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap.
Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out except that the latest fad is listening to
your dad. I am confused and don't know what to do but I think I'll go
get that hat you were talking about. And by the way dad do you have any
money I'm running low so could you help me out?" Slap!
The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
5/20/04
Talking to your mirror is like talking to yourself.
5/20/05
Stupid people will be confused all their lives if they are
accidentally given the wrong name tag.
Charge your enthusiasm with batteries to get a positive outlook.
If you ever feel sad think to yourself "It is not so bad" but if that
makes you mad then you should be glad that being sad is just a fad of
life.
Many people can spell but few can dispel.
The catapult wasn't named as such because it
launched cats into the air but rather because it launched pults.
Sharing is halfway between giving &
taking yet so few can make this compromise.
With so many lesson in Lesson Mania Week 2005
you may have trouble remembering them. So it is a good thing that we
don't make them useful.
Spending time & spending money can occur
at the same time.
People who drive wrecklessly seem to wreck
the most.
Slides are fun but they can be dangerous if
you are a bad photographer.
"Free!" is always a good sign.
It is common practice for people to push themselves to
further their career.
If you live in a dusty old house it is
probably because the house is dusty.
The more light you let in the more the light
lets you out.
Scooters don't sound as though they would be
fast vehicles.
Be sure to understand the difference in
figurative language & literal language. Wait that is an order..
shouldn't we be teaching them something rather than bossing them
around? Oh I see that is how the schools do it.
Inside jokes aren't as loud as outside jokes.
It is important to give a kind word every
once in a while but don't expect us to do it. Thank you.
Bicycles will let anyone ride them.
Try to get someone to wish you well at their
birthday party.
You can always count on abacuses but you can never count on
harnesses because they always let you down.
The tv news is the quickest & easiest
place to catch the blues.
Exchanging ideas can lead to the person you
exchanged them with exchanging your idea for cash.
5/21/04
It is pointless to punch sand.
5/21/05
Golf will become hipper when golfers begin to use
Butter Putters®,
Screw Drivers®, &
Potato Wedges®.
The tallest man always benefits the most from
giving up.
People with determination need to make a choice.
No one has ever run out of time before.
The color of your skin doesn't matter unless
want to tan or you spilt paint
on yourself.
Being in the company of strangers is strange
indeed.
Floods are devastating & sad yet most people seem to keep their
chin up.
Courts always buy sturdy tables.
The straw who broke the camel's back was a fat farmer who
blamed his hat.
You shouldn't embrace your weaknesses because you may hurt
yourself.
People with time to spare rarely give it to others.
The best way to learn is by experience yet
few want to use this method to learn about death.
It isn't possible to tell someone a secret.
Spinning in a circle is fun but first you need chalk.
If noon were at 5pm gunslingers would say, "It's high five."
Being sick isn't healthy yet so many people
do it!
The past creates the present.
It is selfish to call someone selfish because
that means you expect them to think of you
more.
Face the facts. Read a book.
You can be a cowboy even if you don't live on
the range all you need is to be a fat young man.
Poking fun is the only thing that makes fun
angry.
Remember always safety first.. well actually always remember first.
When you miss someone try again.
Flashback Edition:
The term "rock & roll" was coined in the caveman days
when cavemen would spark rocks together but then get dangerously caught
on fire so they would stop, drop, & roll. The most amazing part is
that cavemen spoke English!
5/22/09
Keeping in touch with someone usually doesn't involve the sense of
touch but rather that of the sense of hearing.
5/23/03
When death comes a'knock'n tell it to use the door bell next time.
5/24/03 Lesson
Reprise
If you need money get rid of your toilet & go work for Mtv because
they love crap.
5/25/09
Heaven: If you don't know you won't go.
5/26/09
Exercising on a stair-stepper is a lot more fun if you imagine that you
are squashing grapes.
5/27/07
Basic Atheist/Christian Debate
Atheist: "I know more than you."
Christian: "I know someone you don't know."
5/28/09
If we used leaves as paper it would be just like recycling except you
wouldn't have to.
5/29/09
Don't wet your whistle because whistles sound better when dry.
5/30/09
Less is more.. but not really.
5/31/03
When someone tells you you'll never see something again just blink.