Don't live in the schlums become a bum.
If you're ever angry because you're stuck in traffic. Just laugh it off
unless that laugh is a maniacal laugh.
Generals can't do usual things.
WARNING this lesson is one of the most important & truthful lessons
we've ever had. We here at Piemerica realize that's not saying much but
Omaha Nebraska is not a legend!
It is said, "when you hear a whistle blow snap into action" but I say
"no, because snapping into action could cause permanent bone damage."
If this is 1st period, what is home room? The sentence?
If you ever get the feeling that you're going to get your legs broken,
running wildly with your eyes closed won't prove otherwise.
Lesson written 9/4/01 for journal
"...sharks can be a delightful friend, in cartoons. It wouldn't bother
me much if a shark came after me in the water. I can't swim so there is
a .001% chance of it saving my life....My tip is to swim with fish
& let them get eaten."
If the 1st gear won't turn & the 2nd gear won't turn. The 3rd gear
isn't going to listen to you either.
When using a ladle ah forgit it just don't fill up your lawn with
Ya c dahts de problem with you kids today, you get bored too easy. (The
Joe) only gets bored when there's nothing to eat.
Ever heard of a sleep-walker? No. That's because they try not to wake
If anyone ever tells you to put on a happy face & you see someone
smiling & decide to rip their face off they nor their face will be
If you ever get to the point where you can't take it anymore.... give
"I always fail to succeed, unless I succeed to fail"
A lesson for the Ages
It's hot when summer rolls around so: Killing in cold blood won't cool
you off & If you ever say to yourself "animals shed fur to cool off
maybe I should shed blood" Well, don't give it a second thought or else
you might do it twice.
Catastrosphere's Lost Lesson
If anyone ever says to you 'How are you doing today?' in the morning,
just say 'It is too early in the day to properly evaluate this
If you take away the 'y' in "It's all your fault" "It's all our fault"
Don't know the difference of past, present, & future? Here you go:
past- Something in front of you
Present- a form of gift
Future- a small amount of ture
M.A.R.'S Lesson for Pie Inc. Day
Getting so mad that you could dig until you find dirt isn't getting mad
at all so since you're not mad celebrate Pie Inc. Day & eat a pie.
Treading on thin ice is much more dangerous than walking on it.
2/28/02 -by MAR
If you have a music band that is doing poorly, buying a box of
band-aids won't help them. You need Neosporin®
3/1/02 -by MAR
Wheezing is not a good reason to rip off your eyebrows, grape juice
stain a window seal, & then take your car back & forth through
a toll booth just to get change for your brick brained snowman when its
shoes bake in the oven for 4 ticks of a land mine.
3/2/02 -by MAR
Humans have skin, Robots have tin, Time has when.
3/3/02 -by MAR
Light Bulbs = Pro Fits
So don't come whining to me.
People rarely pass up a golden opportunity. That's because it's so
Stop being pessimistic!
Don't think of them as empty threats (promises). Think of them as
unfulfilled threats (promises).
The cure to being poor is to get more.
It's always better to take a short cut, unless it involves the mob.
When there's nothing left to do dance!
Cause dancing will cheer anybody up....
except the cripple.
If someone says to you "I have to get a drink to water" you may think
them at fault thinking they meant to say "I have to get a drink of
water" but if they are talking about kool-aid or a dry mix drink. Then
you are at fault if you point that out.
Meetings are fleeting without eating.
Crazy? I'd have to be crazy to think I'm not crazy! In short, I don't
think I'm crazy.
Lesson Mania Week 2002!
Old mayonnaise may be wiser than new mayonnaise but new mayonnaise
won't give a life defying disease.
Signs that say "soliciting not welcome" do not prohibit soliciting. It
just means the people are impolite.
If you're cry'n so much you're die'n drink some water.
Shoes protect your feet but they aren't good to eat unless they're
filled with food.
If you ever find yourself in a tree & you want to get out of it
just make sure you don't C a B or else it'll be a different letter.
If you're gonna kill make sure to thrill. That way people won't get as
Feeling dirty? Then get off your soap box because that's where your
4/9/02 Flash Forward Edition!:
You may think that tele vision is going away but you probably haven't
heard of the new hypnotic contact lenses.
Popsicles will never stop being popular unless the name is changed.
Whenever you think to yourself "the only way to sop is with a mop?" You
should think "I'm an idiot with no life because why should I ask myself
a statement that's so true."
Flash Forward Edition
Computers are afraid of dogs because in a way they have become mail men.
When fishing with a pine cone there's always gonna be a little bit of
sorrow from the seal.
If you're going to put on a purple noose at least try to look stylish.
If someone asks you to go fencing with them & you bring your sword.
Just run the guy through for being so culturally insensitive.
Hailing a cab is sacrilegious.
When a baby leaks some call it an accident. When a car leaks the hole
If you cover your ears before something loud happens w-ho are you to
tell the future?
You're really selfish when you don't even share coughs & sneezes.
I trained the train to run me over. I was sad to see it go.
It is impossible to stand at the end of a line because a line never
You like lessOns? Well I'll tell you one thing that won't lessEn...my
If 47 plateaus won't make you smile... then you probably don't like
When you are sick here's a trick "eat poison"
Getting hit in the head with a hammer & not getting a head ache
usually means you are no longer alive.
Almond sized teapots do not contain plant ripped mobile homes, just
Rock malfunction? There's nothing you can do.
If you're ever walking down the street & a bum begins talking, hurry away
for it will stink there soon.
When someone says "bombs away" there's no need to worry bombs are not
Attempting to do something is not hard. Being successful at doing that
Fortune cookies will not make one rich unless the fortune says "you
will become rich" not "your well became wretch."
If storing corn in a shed don't shed the corn 1st.
Paranoid people need not worry about aliens enslaving the entire human
race as long as they do not run in competitiveness.
Making a time machine is easy. Take apart a clock & put it back
Planting a radish garden? Make sure to not use varnish soaked land
If you think winter is cold just wait till after fall then it will be
Rabbit sculptures look like rabbits but if carved up enough will look
as something else.
If someone ever tells you to "clean up that spill" but you don't
see a spill.. spill something on them. Then they'll say "This bucket of
rice develops faster than film. After all soft celery does clean up in
an random assortment. Picking up the slime coat of a single pant.
Rhetorical rock pile sat up in bluish gloom of a crane kite monolithic
memory...." Wait, that's if (The Joe) talks to you.
Take a map of your nap you'll be surprised where you have gone.
Organizing a mile's worth of dirt is a pointless task.
Walking on a rafter will make you feel alive unless you stop walking
the bad way.
Don't go on a trip because public urination is illegal.
Don't polish a match book with gasoline.
Don't let a pouch scare you. Only be afraid of 2 pouches.
Living in a buffer zone is dangerous when laying down.
Wrinkled pieces of paper aren't old they just smoke a lot.
Don't shoot a canteen it's frightened by flashes.
If you break something before you get it wet, the water won't hurt it.
If a thug draws a knife on you wash it off.
End of Mania Week
If you ever wonder where you'll end up, the answer is:
Wherever you find money on the ground.
You know someone is nice when they say thank you twice.
If you try to fight the urge to fight, you've already lost.
You can tell the tree to stand up but if you tell it to sit down it
So don't talk to trees, you picture torturing cellar monger.
Digging a small hole & filling it with water is a waste of time, if
you intend it to be put on a map, unless you're drawing your own map.
Thinking about the future is important but don't think of the future as
if you will live a million years more.
If balloons caused salad bars to serve meat, I'd be like "stop calling
it a salad bar"
If my bottle cap wore a snow shoe it'd be put on tv If I wore a second
one I'd be jumped by a flea.
If there were evil corporate businesses that secretly ran our country..
whoops! too late for this lesson!
If today is a good day, today will always be a good day because today
only happens once.
If you say something is still cool it could mean it's frozen.
The less you do the more you get done, (because you're either starting
Start the week off on the right foot.
Just make sure you use the other during the week else you'll have
Like to cut loose at social events?
Be sure you don't cut loose your spinal cord.
Over confidence can be bad, such as, "I can walk off a cliff without falling."
Boiling soup too long can cause it to evaporate.
To prevent this put a pot on the ceiling above also.
If your zipper ever gets stuck use a zip code.
When starting the engine of your car always be aware that someone may
a tree in your drive way.
Controlling wall rust can be a difficult task just clean a certain area
& the rust may form around it.
Want money? Well don't get a job, just draw money likeness on paper
& rub against real money to get the smell.
This is called the placebo method.
If someone tells you not to be afraid of monsters & then a big
monster comes & steps on you because you weren't afraid, if you
live tell the monster you know someone else that's not afraid of it.
Following that give a depictive description of where this person is.
Never give up your dreams because if you do you'll only have nightmares.
Nothing is ever the same in my wallet there's always change.
Revenge can be sweet if coated in sugar.
Glass the other red meat.
Don't like climbing stairs, then don't, so you can live a pitiful life.
If I had an ice sickle for every time I rowed a lampshade down my
well you know the rest...
Being polite is like being a pole light, it brightens up the darkness.
Having trouble getting past a moat? Use a boat.
At one point doing things the old-fashioned way will seem new again.
Emperor MAR's birthday was yesterday & today is Labor Day.
Don't be a crook, Drink a book.
Don't swallow a cactus b'cause if you do..
How dumb are you people?!
Do you really need this lesson?
Don't wreck your car cause if you do you might end up with one less
Using markers is dangerous just make sure they don't get on you or
you'll become a marked man.
Can't find your hat?
Then get up on a ladder while wearing rhinestones,... it's something to
Eyes are more like 6 O's than 2 I's
Cellos aren't for camp'n.
If you have a problem don't use an escalator.
It's ok to look at the sun at sunrise or sunset, just don't look at it
When in an emergency & one says "stay calm"
Then you think "I'm not Calm, I'm blank name"
You should panic so you get thrown out.
If the last word someone ever says is shut up, they were talking to
There's always room for Jell-O,
this means every building must have a room just for Jell-O or you'll be
Anyone ever tell you to get off your high horse?
Just say "but the horse is too high, I'll fall to my doom!"
So many people won the lottery this week that each winner actually got
less money than they paid for the ticket.
People who participate in the lottery are used to losing money though.
If you ain't ate marbles since the 17th, you mind as well give up &
jump in the sink.
Don't count your ice cream cones before you get em.
If you do you'll have to count them again.
If you like things that are shiny but don't like to shine them,
look at the sun*
*see 9/7/02 Lesson
Ever been told to blow up some balloons?
If not then don't get in a jet plane & drop bombs, use fire
crackers it's cheaper.
Epic Lesson The Longest Lesson of all Time
The cows will come home when pigs fly because the pigs will show them
If you want to discover something new, buy a new item put it under your
blanket & take your blanket off.
If you don't want the mailman to know where you live, kill yourself.
A good idea can take you a long way if the idea involves transportation.
If you want to accomplish something do nothing then people will say,
"he/she accomplished nothing" This way failure is not an option.
Don't learn from your mistakes because they are mistakes they don't know what they are talking about.
Are you feeling low because it's the 22nd, well cheer up. I'm sure your ceiling feels worse.
If you think pulling a ribbon out into a snowstorm will help you..
manufacture boxes, you're right. It's a big secret.
People with terminal diseases should fight crime, they don't know when
they're gonna die anyway.
When you like to make yourself dizzy but don't like being queasy,
change your name.
You should have to pay every time you look at a billboard.
Sarcasm is negative positivity. Lies are positive negativity.
Knowledge unapplied is useless, so if you're lazy don't learn because
you're not gonna use it anyway.
The bird chirps.
The man burps.
14% of people who want to be fire fighters actually take boxing gloves
& light buildings on fire to fight it.
Then they get thrown in jail for arson.. sad.
Getting diseases in can openers is not common unless you open cans
filled with disease, also this lesson sucks.
Don't mow your lawn chair.
Never mix a lanthanide with a pellet suit maple lengthener.
Ever wonder why it is said, 'fight fire with fire' well..
Fire is mad & lonely everything fire touches burns, it has no
friends so if you fight fire with fire, fire will be like
"Fire a new friend!" then fire will be happy and won't bother you.
I don't have any bad grades, they just don't know the difference
between right & wrong.
If you're dumb and crazy, you should be a bum and lazy.
Don't make soup without an acorn.
If you're walking on the sidewalk you shouldn't walk sideways you
should get a Savage Beating.
Poke a staircase in the lid it might open.
If it's cold outside & you don't have the month of May, buy a new
Glue & nails don't mix, they fix.
If you ever get on a really slow escalator it's probably stairs.
Beware of whole kernel corn for it may wage war against you.
If you don't want your bills to be sky-high, stop them before they get on that plane.
Don't paint your watermelon yellow & put it into underground lemon
They know it's a watermelon.
You know why aliens aren't around anymore?
Because, they used tortoises as laborers & when we found out we
laughed at them. Now they're too ashamed to show their faces.
Remember if you ever get your leg caught in a bag rinsing it will get
the bag wet.
When one has learned all there is to learn, one should bash one's head
in to learn again.
Tired of wearing the same old clothes?
Well you ain't getting any money from me!
If you ever find a superhero's cape think to yourself
"Do I know of any superheroes with magical capes?"
If not give it back because the superhero will consider you a villain
for having its cape & you'll get beat up.
Broke your leg? Well why not break the other one? You can't walk any
Try to fall out of a tree when you're not in a tree. It's fun.
Put your toaster on a poster. Try to sell it, fail.
If someone tells someone else to 'duck' & they go about talking
about push brooms, back slowly out of the door or window.
If you think starlight is the only light at night, you should get
When you have a canopy & someone says "eew! you have a can of pee!"
Tell them "The wrench won't split for a dime wafer" & push them off
Digging something up can be exciting & illegal.
10/27/02 Terrible Lesson:
If you can't tell your A from your B or your 1 from your 2,
move them closer or use a phone.
Spooky things happen if you let platypuses vote.
There are ghosts from coast to coast.
Actually there are not but if you believed it you are stupid.
If you really want a scary costume this Halloween, don't dress up,
The Ultimate Prank to pull on Halloween is to be good.
-A Message from Adults Everywhere
Have a neighborhood party where everybody rings their doorbells &
knocks on their doors to a hep beat & then get dowN!
If you set meat on fire it's called grilling but if you set anything
else on fire it's called arson.
Cheese don't say please, so don't be mad if it's impolite.
In this crime filled world today, You don't need to lock your doors,
nobody wants to go to your house.
Today is Tuesday. I'm sure some of you needed to know that.
When the noose becomes the latest fashion it won't last long. wink wink
Buy a big box of ribbons & keep them as long you can. That way if
ribbons ever become scarce you'll be the richest person in the world.
The proper way to handle anger is with a handle, duh!
Television is a perfect way to learn.. about bad acting.
If you point a camera at a shoe store, it will leave.
Also 500 miles of sludge is infirmed to 8 admonishing turboes.
If you reach for the stars & don't reach them you're lucky because
stars are hot & can hurt.
If you reach for the stars you are a stalker.
The only reason the U.S. is the world's best country is because
Godzilla keeps destroying Japan.
The ocean is a troubling place to be if you can't swim. Milk is a terrible thing if skim.
Old people have adventures with their dentures.
No wait, they're just senile.
Stupid people are like goopkeinivot, they make no sense.
Ugly people are like sunlight they are nice to have around but you
don't want to look directly at them.
If you've never met (The Joe) you don't know what you are missing &
trust me you don't want to know.
You can fit an elf on a shelf.
Abolish crate curves, soda lunger.
Talk is cheap, unless you are a television psychic.
If the couch says "owch" there's something in it.
If somebody says, "if you ask me.." & nobody asked them. They got no business talk'n.
Only smart people need be afraid of headshrinkers.
Thieves may be able to steal your material possessions but they can't
steal your sadness &/or anger.
Tourists can be annoying, but don't blame them for not being from your
country, blame their despotic ruler.
Bees are nice if you give them honey.
Bees are mice if you dress them funny.
If you want to have Thanksgiving for a living be a 'yes man' or 'yes
Scared of life on other planets?
Well you should be more scared of life on this planet.
If you don't use deodorant, you truly love it.
Looking for a December to remember? Try not to see anything suspicious
or the government will erase your memory again
If you want to become physically fit you're reading the wrong guy's
Be nice & brush your teeth, that way they won't chew you out.
The ultimate wager in the game of poker is the wage of war.
Gardens that grow very little should be called midget gardens.
One day bed time will take a new meaning. Beds will come alive &
capture you, then forcing you to go to sleep, Bed time will become dead
You don't need a pillow. Just put your head in a pillow case before you
go to sleep. You'll never have to worry about waking up tired again (or
The pen used to write nearly every lesson is near its end.
What you say that's not a lesson?
Well then yams & clams have something in common.
They rhyme, quite obvious right?
Leaves are sleeves.. on branches.
People who are young don't like homework but older people want to work
Just because your shirt has stitches doesn't mean you should get
revenge on people that wear strawberries with sequins as necklaces.
When someone says to you 'I never want to see U again' they'll have
Get an old man who used to play a
sport to play it again. If he says, "I'm a little rusty" report this to
the government for they
do not like androids. (Robots for you dumb people)
When paint is about to crack stand back because it may do something
If your shirt is dirtier than dirt, start mocking dirt & then.. get
thrown into an asylum for laughing at dirt.
As bright as night I will never understand how board games entertain
Wait until the sun comes up & then go to sleep.
Yes another Monotonous Lesson!
If your paper turns to vapor, you've been writing on water dude!
Yard work is hard work but not compared to rock smashing
Actions speak louder than words. Words speak louder than silence although silence may have the most to
If you're sad you should kick a can but not so hard that it kicks
back.. & relaxes.
When you're lost at sea don't bother me as if you could ha ha!
If you wear a coat...whoops! that's all I wrote.
Want to give your kids a great present
Give them something they'll never forget but won't be able to remember,
A savage beating.
Christmas is about the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ not getting a
sword and hunting mice. (by a sword & hunting mice we speak of a poor kid
getting a dollar plastic sword and told "now you can hunt those mice
like you always wanted to")
When Someone tells you to "break a leg" it doesn't have to be yours.
They should just make a faucet with a 3rd knob for warm.
Fight a tree. Bite your knee. Stung by a bee.
If you want someone out of your house put a welcome mat inside the
house facing out the door as if to say "Welcome out" or just spray
paint 'not' above the word 'welcome'.
Monday is a fun day to complain.
If you are really poor & can't afford a calendar just use the same
one & be laughed at by all the people you know the whole year.
Top 3 Lessons of 2002
3. If a thug
draws a knife on you wash it off.
2. When there's nothing left to
do dance! Cause dancing will cheer anybody up.... except the cripple.
1. If you have a problem don't
use an escalator.
2001 | House | 2003
All lessons 2002 (except some Flashback Editions) Piemerica
All Lessons Written by (The Joe) Unless otherwise noted.