Lesson
Mania Week 2007
5/14/07-5/19/07
58 Lessons
Days:
1 2 3 4 5 6
5/14/07
Day 1 -10 Lessons
Not all hillbillies are named Billy but they are all related to him.
Groceries are so dumb they can't find their way out of a paper bag.
However they do find their way out of plastic bags quite easily.
Opportunity knocks but disaster just comes right on in.
Glue Sticks are in the most sticky situations of anything in the world.
Boys will be boys.. until they group up.
Don't watch a clock just buy a watch.
Horse racing isn't the same thing as horse breeding.
Pop singers are like soda pop. They are great at first but go flat
after about 15 minutes.
Some keys to success are only used to lock doors.
Heterosexuals should avoid the use of walk-in closets to stave off
confusion.
5/15/07
Day 2 -9 Lessons
Under cover cops aren't dressed in uniform.
Flash Forward Edition:
Bald scientist, O. Howitzer Shynes, gained fame by inventing and
marketing bald house robots called Chrome Domes. His bald brethren
celebrated him for removing the phrase as an insult in general speech.
If you see a funny looking cloud don't laugh because you might make it
sad and then it will rain.
Don't ask yourself questions. Doing so means you already don't know.
If you ask a question and the person responds with "Why do you ask?" in
the reply, say "Because I don't know."
Knowing sounds negative so don't know anything.
To know if you're barking up the wrong tree see if the tree already has
bark.
If you're white you're trite. If you're black you're on crack. If
you're red you're corn fed. If you're yellow you're a punch and kick
type of fellow. If you're brown please put the phone down. If you
laughed at this list you're a racist.
Physical fights always have sore losers.
5/16/07
Day 3 -12 Lessons
It is better to be insane than incrazy.
Never underestimate the number nine.
Plug into learning and you'll soon learn that you can't physically plug
into learning.
Dotted I's are I lids.
Nail biting is a rare habit that causes people to break their teeth.
Think before you act or you'll act dumb.
Computers are like people they older they get the slower they are.
If you're stupid enough to act stupid then you're not acting.
There are clowns in towns as the circus tours. There are ups and downs
as the trapezes soar. One thing is for sure about the circus my friend
is that it is never dull. But the smell of the elephants' poo really
distracts from the show.
If your plans for watching television are foiled there may be hope for
you yet.
If at first you don't succeed try, try again until you realize that you
shouldn't have tried this at all.
Don't be embarrassed when you get ink on your hands. You can just say
that it's a new style of tattoo.
5/17/07
Day 4 -11 Lessons
Beggars can't be choosers which is why they haven't chose to get a job.
If your refrigerator is working pretty soon it will want to be paid.
In most cases if you bite the hand that feeds you you've only bitten
your own hand.
It is easy for an ice-cream man to keep his cool during a stressful day.
If the judge throws the book at you, go ahead and drink it, it's ok.
It is not OK 2 OD.
If you blow out your candles on your birthday pie after you open your
presents it is too late to wish for a birthday present that you
actually wanted.
When sharing pizza with someone be sure to cut it fair and square.
Well.. not square.
People that are busy as bees make money instead of honey.
Surviving a toothache isn't a piece of cake but the cake may have
caused it. Eat pie instead.
Laughter is the best medicine because it is funny to be sick.
5/18/07
Day 5 -8 Lessons
Most people don't bury the hatchet until their enemy is buried with it
in their back.
People without loved ones usually love fives, tens, twenties, fifties,
and hundreds.
Women are so difficult to communicate with that the term
miscommunication was created.
Doing what feels right often doesn't last for more than one night.
All reptiles are cold hearted.
Giving a gift on an anniversary is a way to say "I love you." Giving a
hug on an anniversary is a way to say, "I love you but I'm broke."
Our humanity is not held in the wires we run or the threads that
protect us but rather in the tears we shed together when we think we're
alone.
Wedding rings see far more fights than boxing rings.
5/19/07
Day 6 -8 Lessons
Most car accidents are actually driver accidents.
Exercising your mind does not refer to thrashing your head around but
if you're stupid enough to think that is what it means, go ahead and do
it because it probably couldn't lower your intelligence any more.
Some people are fine being late for work but hate getting off of work
late.
Space aliens have come to earth because they ran out of space on their
home planet.
A chair with rollers can make life easier and queasier.
You can't take public transportation to a private event.
If you ask your dad, "Hey dad what's the latest fad?"
Your dad will say, "You see back in my day the earliest fad to rise was
the first to bed and now all of those old fads are dead. So if you want
some sound advice that will make you think twice before you think 'That
fad is niice!' here are some words from your dear ol' dad. Listen to me
son that fad is bad. You'll spend all your money & then you'll
spend all of mine on a nose ring with an attachable vine. Two weeks
later as your vine sways in the breeze you'll walk up to your friends
with a strutting ease. Then your friends will get irate and chuckle
'What's up man, aren't you up to date?' Then you'll look up at their
cardboard hat that they bought for $70 dollars at the Gap and you'll
start to whine and pitch a moan. You'll say to me, 'C'mon dad just toss
me some bones!' But the only ones I'll let you see are from the back of
my hand as I put you over my knee. So as you can hear that's a wrap.
Don't follow fads or you'll get a slap"
"Ok dad I'd hear you out
except that the latest fad is listening to your dad. I am confused and
don't know what to do but I think I'll go get that hat you were talking
about. And by the way dad do you have any money I'm running low so
could you help me out?" Slap!
The fastest way to world peace is for everyone to die in war.
Lesson
Mania Week 2008
7/28/08-8/1/08
20 Lessons
Days:
1 2 3 4 5
Day 1- 4 Lessons
Pollution is good for you. It makes you
realize there should be less pollution.
When your clock is so slow it doesn't even
know how to tell time, it's time to get a new clock.
One cannot prevent being a slacker because
once one stops slacking one then slacks at slacking itself.
The reserves for the Marines are called Sub Marines.
7/29/08
Day 2- 4 Lessons
Imitation is the highest form of annoyance.
The reason why kids eat crayons is because they are led to believe that
colors are food when given popsicles.
Fun loving people get bored very easily.
When you find the onion bulbs at the top of
the mountain the koalas will stop following you through walls of
gelatin.
7/30/08
Day 3- 4 Lessons
Mexican blood is like hot sauce it turns
mosquitoes into fireflies.
Soap-operas aren't clean. However
Soap-&-water-operas are.
The foot heals the fastest of all body parts
because it has a built in heel.
If you run out of breath when walking up
stairs, the stairs went way too high into the atmosphere.
7/31/08
Day 4- 4 Lessons
The great thing about a sewer mane rupturing is that you
can fart and nobody would even know.
Drugs aren't the answer, unless the question
is "What is not the answer?"
If everyone liked being insulted there would be no more insults.
It's hard work gaining weight mainly because
being out of shape causes you to be out of breath all the time.
8/1/08
Day 5- 4 Lessons
The best time to say goodbye is when you
first meet someone.
Circus
midgets who grew up living in circus tents find it difficult to
transition into living in houses with walls because they feel confined
in the space despite their small stature.
Investing is easy, just get in a vest.
If
someone tells you "It's not the end of the world" to do something and
by some coincidence the world does end when you do it, that person is
going to feel pretty bad.
7/13/09
Day 1- 5 Lessons
If you're afraid of loosing your home you really should have bought a
bigger house. Most people's houses are very easy to see.
Flashback Edition:
Yet another bad combination: Quick as a cat yet blind as a bat.
Have a Sad Birthday! Because only if you have a sad birthday will you
appreciate a happy one.
Some holidays are observed on their nearest Monday rather than on their
actual date. The reason why Independence Day, more commonly referred to
as The Fourth of July, is not one of those holidays should be obvious.
Oven mitts are the best things to catch hot ovens with but you still
shouldn't be playing catch with ovens.
7/14/09
Day 2- 5 Lessons
Silence is golden because you can't hear gold.
Yet another bad combination: Rich and famous yet childish and
aimless.
It is much more difficult to vanish into thin air than into an air of
average thickness.
When asked "What part of no don't you understand?" Your response should
be "What part of homophone don't you understand?"
People that get mad when someone wastes food don't understand the
concept of digestion.
7/15/09
Day 3- 5 Lessons
Always keep your priorities straight unless one of your priorities is
bending.
Yet another bad combination: Delicious and gooey but too loud
when you're chew'n.
This lesson just goes to show you that anything can go to show you.
If your boss is always yelling at you suggest an Inter-Office Phone
System.
It's easy to lose sleep because when you're asleep you can't pay very
good attention.
7/16/09
Day 4- 4 Lessons
People that think hot dogs have disgusting ingredients should consider
that they are called hot dogs so any ingredient they have that isn't
dog is pretty much up from there.
Yet another bad combination: Cute and funny but no money.
If your yard catches fire put up a sign that says, "Please Do Not Throw
Fire"
It is never tomorrow.
7/17/09
Day 5- 4 Lessons
If you don't like the word bad it's probably because it is no good.
Yet another bad combination: Loud and proud in a hostile crowd of
a differing opinion.
Take the stairs instead of the elevator so you can say, "I'll see you
even later."
If you don't know the answer to a question use reverse psychology and
ask a question.
7/18/09
Day 6- 10 Lessons
If someone tells you to "Get Real" and you do so. Come back the next
week and see if they tell you to "Keep it Real."
Four
legged animals are usually faster than 2 legged people but if you want
to feel the thrill of victory with something that has four legs, race
your table and you will win because it is not an animal.
March is the most fit month.
Yet another bad combination: Big and fat yet sleeping on a thin
mat.
Thank you racists because if it weren't for you no one would know
racism is bad.
If you don't like jokes about being rich you have a poor sense of humor.
Doing dangerous things for fun will make you feel alive but will make
you feel dead much longer.
July is the least trusting month.
If
you're walking down the street and get shot with a harpoon you should
totally tell everyone you know about it because most people on the
street get shot with boring old guns.
In athletics often pros are cons.
4/12/10
Day 1- 6 Lessons
Every day is a new day.. except yesterday and all the days before it.
So really today is the only new day.
News is ok but of course no news is good news right?
Being caught on fire isn't as bad as being caught while on fire because
there is more than one person involved in the second situation.
If you are pessimistic about pessimism you are an optimist.
Preflexes are better than reflexes.
There are stupid questions but stupid questions are better than stupid
statements.
4/13/10
Day 2- 6 Lessons
People use the phrase "out like a light' but if a light is out it isn't
a light anymore.
Flashback Edition (6/12/05)
The S in Swell stands for super. Swell means super well.
Trying is better than dying unless you are trying to die.
A blem is like a minor problem y'know like a blemish.
A problem is like a pro blem it has been professionally hired to bug
you.
While falling down the stairs is bad falling up the stairs is much
worse because it indicates that either gravity has changed or you are
in something that is upside down.
Most entertainment is crap because there are about a trillion stars per
person yet no film or record gets more than 5 stars.
4/14/10
Day 3- 5 Lessons
Age is a state of mind, the state of how old your mind is.
A photo ID can confirm your identity. Your face can confirm that you
own a photo ID.
When someone requests "Listen to me." they are only referring to verbal
communication and not other noises they may make.
A good idea is to put a pillow in your backpack. It will give you
comfort while standing and walking like you never thought possible.
Putting a backpack in your pillow is not a good idea unless you have
already put a pillow in your backpack.
The great thing about performing stunts in a wheelchair is that if you
get hurt you already have a wheelchair.
4/15/10
Day 4- 8 Lessons
Fun Food Fact: Humans invented pizza in the past.
An excellent way to earn quick cash is to rent out space in your wallet.
Wow! Now this lesson is something! Of course almost anything is
something.
England is the easiest place in the world to lose pounds.
When you use the phrase "More or less" you cover all possible options.
Jealousy turns enemies into rivals.
The common usage of mirrors solidify the backwards views of some.
Fun Food Fact: God invented fruit on the third day.
4/16/10
Day 5- 6 Lessons
Here's a good 1.
If you don't not not have nobody it is because you are too negative!
Wheels were put on desk chairs because too many lazy people would lean
over and fall out of their chairs to reach for things instead of
getting up.
Every moment is the greatest moment of itself.
Claw hammers cannot be used properly by clawed animals.
Manliness has gone from taming wild animals that roar to controlling
inanimate engines that roar.
4/17/10
Day 6- 6 Lessons
People sometimes say "Cheers!" before drinking an alcoholic beverage.
This is funny because what they are drinking is actually booze.
When someone invites you to their home and refers to you as company
they are hinting that their relationship with you is not personal.
Cursive handwriting is rarely used to write curses. This is interesting
because the formal look to the writing makes one wish to oblige to its
otherwise violently forceful suggestion.
Being fortunate is having unexpected good fortune or being lucky. Being
unfortunate is being unlucky. But unfortunate is really just less than
fortunate so it could just be regular fortune instead of bad fortune.
One day you'll get older and that day is today, tomorrow, and all the
days after that.
Trains are invisible except for the solid parts.
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