Passed out in the Lawn
| I threw a rock in the middle of my yard Because it tripped me in my driveway I was so angry I could toss some more But I headed for the door because I had just eaten and needed to floss That night there was a dog who came onto my lawn It barked and barked until the break of dawn Or it would have had I not got up to use the pot When I heard it barking there I just couldn't help but care I got up I opened my door and said "Shut up!" But then it barked some more So I walked onto my lawn waving my arms to make it gone It didn't move a step I said "Come one I've barely slept!" I ran towards the dog It moved aside I tripped on the rock that did hide | ||
| And when I woke up my world was green I saw that once little pup now towering over me I scream "Shut up!" For it's barking had not decreased And I couldn't take this anymore I got up and went to my car I picked up a pickle jar Yes that is right I keep a mini-fridge in my car Not because I'm rich but because I'm fat And I hate to eat a melted candy bar I took out a pickle and I went 'toss, slap!' Right in the dog's eye It yelped then like a whisper it left my ear but not my eye Then a kid ran up to me and said "Hey mister, we have missed her so much" He said, "Her barking keeps my mother asleep. Since we lost my daddy the anger at the barking is the only thing that helps her not to weep over him." A tear came to my eye and I said, "Listen kid, take it from me, if your mother ever gets tired of the dog barking and you feel like your in a pickle because you can't get it to stop please take my jar of pickles. Toss one at the dog eye. Here let me show you." 'Twap!' Then the dog went screaming away and the kid followed behind her I'd say I'm not too sure about that one because I was too busy eating pickles. And I keep my bacon in the pickle juice. It is all precooked so I put it to good use. I don’t' think I'll ever forget this day because I wrote this crap down Forget about that now, I just can't stay awake.. | ||
| Then our pickle spanking hero felt asleep on his lawn He hit his head on the rock on his way down Now he has amnesia to this day The only thing he can remember is this story and how he secretly wished the dog wouldn't go away.. because he loved hitting it with pickles. "Twap!" Right in the eye Oh please don't call animal cruelty We were just kidding, he was really nice guy and the dog loved getting hit with pickles The only reason it ran away is because its dog dad would hit it with pickles in the eye The memory made the dog break down and cry So it ran away as to not look like a wuss in front of its new hero There is one thing always on the dog's mind I wish the kid would have took the pickles and hit me in the eye.. | ||
| So one day I was eating a sandwich And as you know I'm a young man with Alzheimer’s So I took me a bite then I looked up at you I looked back down and said, "Who took a bite out of my sandwich!?" "Was it you!?" I'm so sad because I can never finish food Oh wait I have amnesia, I must have forgot it wasn't Alzheimer’s Even though that was the original joke Well here I go; I take a bite real slow My tongue and my teeth feel so much relief Then I start crying There's no pickle The menu was lying The waiters make me feel insane and low-down I throw down the pickle I had in my left hand.. Then I realize that I had the pickle all of that time My lack of memory keeps fooling me So I walked out of the furniture store Thinking "When will I ever remember what I was about to think instead?" It's no wonder; I didn't think someone would actually eat a couch Except my old friend Charlie His breath was so bad but I didn't care I still let him shave my eyelash hair | ||
| Boy I sure was dumb back in those days Like that time I wore my watch to a funeral And when it was past twelve I said "Hey let's get this over with!" Everyone started crying because it was already over for former Police Chief Olds McCorpse Yes he got shot on October 18 because he dressed like a mummy too early for Halloween or maybe that was just how he normally looked Anyways he shouldn't have attended that screening of The Mummy Returns II Even though I have amnesia I keep remembering things so I better write them down while I have the chance I used to hang out with a kid called KL5-554-5149 We got into trouble like normal kids do Y'know beating up tennis players, arguing about can opener specifications, black mail (that is pouring ink into mail boxes), I used to button my shirt wrong and KL5 would wave goodbye with a mirror strapped to his hand so he could disappear into the night We did some good things too like setting dinner tables, albeit on fire but I can eat with my hands just fine I haven't used a fork since I was born And I wasn’t born yesterday, actually I can’t remember so I’m not sure Mmmm sandwich.. Who are you and what have you done with my cliché? | ||
| 2007 Piemerica-Incorperated-Eternally | 1,000 | Written by Emperor MAR January 10, 2007 |